What to look for in a Mentor/guide

What to look for in a Mentor/guide

IMNBT​(dom male) • May 28, 2019

This may have been covered in past topics, although navigating this site is something for me to get better at with time, so forgive me if its is repetitive. The online dynamic is fairly new to me. Primarily, my kinks have taken place in person. Lately, there have been a couple of times Ive run in to friends and coworkers who I fear may out me to my circles. I'm learning the online dynamics and how to speak to female (only) subs, but I could really use a guide. Pretty sure I've read everything online there is to read, it just inst the same. What should a semi newbie look for in a mentor? Where would I even begin to search? Would I be better off diving in and learning on my own? There's surely something else i should ask, but that's what I have so far. Thanks in advance!

NCarraway​(dom male) • May 28, 2019

Hey there,

I just wanted to check I understood the question correctly: was this referring to developing online skills for D/s or was this referring to finding a mentor to help develop those skills?

I went through a period of thinking that I needed a formalised mentor to help me develop but I instead found my way to socialising in kink circles (munches) and have developed friendships with a range of other trusted D and s types: I often talk to about them about relationships and value both sets of a range of perspectives. I have found that these are an excellent sounding board and get me out of my head far more than keyboard discussion. For some reason I don't get the same effect with online feedback (it might be the speed and interaction of in person conversation) but I would post here if i had a particular question.

I have done a fair bit of online only and a fair bit of in-person only D/s relationships. I do believe they use different skill sets (at least in part) although it may be better to say that they exercise different Dom/relationship muscles which are useful to both realms. If you are interested in online only relationships there is nothing like diving in and having a go - always with an eye to sanity and safety. Just because you are potentially thousands of miles away and separated by a computer screen does not absolve responsibility for taking care of the girl. I tend to focus on the psychological aspects of D/s as these are best suited for online relationships. These days I prefer to interact with my subs in my own or similar time zone because I think that makes for more stable relationships. I also make sure we both sign up for a two week trial period so either of us can walk away if things are not right.

Hope those comments help

NC

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 28, 2019

In my opinion------

1) look for a mentor that has the same identity as you

2) someone who will not be playing with you


3) someone who will not have sex with you


4) someone who you already know and aspire to be like


5) someone who has a relationship that you look up to


6) someone whose answers to questions resonate with you as something you can learn from

IMNBT​(dom male) • May 28, 2019

Hi Ncarraway, thank you fro your reply!

I have found that much of what I know about being a Dom in real world situations, apologies if the term offends, does not translate to the online experience. I can flog, spank, assign chores, etc as punishments in person, whereas I do not know effective methods of punishment online. I assume, on the same manner a sub is willing to accept punishment in person, they would online, but that has not been my experience. I am having trouble formulating daily routines and tasks, what to assign in a long distance, how often, the general concept of being dominant without the ability to be physically dominant (impact play, not abusive). There are certain netiquettes that i would like to familiarize myself with. The way i see it, I read non stop online about how to do this and that the same way I can read online ratings about a car. Id rather speak to someone who has driven the same type of car

IMNBT​(dom male) • May 28, 2019

what does a typical day look like, a week, a session? etc

NCarraway​(dom male) • May 28, 2019

I'd be happy to chat 1:1 if you'd like to PM me.
NC

IMNBT​(dom male) • May 29, 2019

Hi Masterbear,

I sincerely apologize for not replying to you sooner, I became entangled with work and just now made it back here. I have created a sticky note with your check list, that is a great little go to in finding what I'm looking for. Thank you!