Hard limits

Hard limits

sweet november​(sub female) • Jun 2, 2019

What do you do as a sub when your Dom has broken a hard limit then won't talk about it? Because my hard limit is intentional silence.

I did say I needed a week break, I'm trying to sort a lot of things out. But I didn't say, nor yell that I wouldn't want to hear from him for a week.

I guess I messed up, but honestly, I need to figure some things out.

Anyway, now I am not to contact him at all.. period... for a week.

Sighhh

MissBonnie​(dom female)​{oz} • Jun 2, 2019

sorry to hear you've been cut off when you need it. Its sucks when this happens.
When he gets back, if its still that important to you to discuss it, DISCUSS IT. you have the right to be heard and actually listened too (hearing and listening are two separate things)
BUT..but ..if you didn't express your self clearly to begin with, then this a problem too! Misunderstandings take TWO, not just one.
Either way you look at it, it was handled badly. Rather than lay blame, the need to step away might be more the problem or the cause. Of course I have no idea what triggered your need to step away (nor do we actually need to know) but it does sound like your Dom is hurt from it or obeying what he thought was your wishes. At least both sides can learn from this later, it can have a sliver lining if you look hard enough. It hurts now but once discussed it shouldn't happen again if you can both get on the same page. I hope that talk goes well for you BOTH.

sweet november​(sub female) • Jun 3, 2019

Yes, thank you. Communication is really important and I should have communicated better.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 4, 2019

I believe that communication is very important and can actually be critical to the success of a relationship, ANY relationship. If I am punishing someone and it encompasses silence, I will make sure that not only is the period of time of the punishment (silence) clear, but I adhere to it to the minute. I also prefer to discuss the infraction and unless it is something very obvious, discuss what was done, that I disproved of and how to make sure it won't happen again.

But, I also would not violate a hard limit I agreed to prior to. That to me gets into trust issues and can be fatal (to the relationship), depending upon what it is that was violated. However, that's me and your Dominant is different. It is not my place to criticize him, as I am not aware of his side of the story and all that led up to this. Best,

MD

sweet november​(sub female) • Jun 4, 2019

Thank you for the replies, everything is resolved.

Much to think about. Communication is so so important. On both ends.

SirPain​(dom male) • Jun 4, 2019

I'm 69 and I've been in this lifestyle longer than many here. One of the things I learned very early on was to FIRST discuss breaking the hard limit and then proceed from there. If the answer is no, then I would look for other hard limits that may be of some interest, discuss, then proceed if agreed upon. Yes, many years in the past, I broke hard limits without discussion. This also led to several breakup's because of a lack of trust, which was solely my fault. Since that time (the last breakup), I've learned that discussion is just as important as being the Dominant person in the relationship. Ignoring (silent treatment) is not a real great idea as it inhibits discussion. Discussion, without any physical contact, can be a better way of dealing with this type of situation. In my experience, many, many, subs desire, even crave, physical contact. By discussing, without physical contact, I have found that a sub or slave may become even more devoted because they then know that my desire for their physical safety is paramount. In addition, lack of physical contact may help them rethink their "hard limits." That is not to say that they will be coerced into ridding themselves of any or all of their hard limits, but it will give them time to re-evaluate what they and their Doms want from the relationship. Maybe the hard limit wasn't as hard as they thought, or maybe it was as hard as they feared.

In my time, HELPING, a sub or slave to overcome their hard limits was standard, but today there is much more fear about who is breaking the hard limits and can this person really be trusted. This I can not argue with. There, in my opinion, are TOO many untrained and uninformed people who decided they are dominant and really haven't the slightest idea what it means to be dominant. This last paragraph, especially the last sentence is solely my opinion and my opinion only.

Freya369 • Jun 4, 2019

Wmmmmm...Dom breaks a hard limit...and you messed up?

I would love that one explained!

SirPain​(dom male) • Jun 4, 2019

@Freya369​(switch female),

Hard limits are in place for a reason. The sub/slave may have had problems with, lets say, needles. Maybe they were in an accident as a child and spent some amount of time in a hospital. While there they were always receiving injections. This may have caused a psychological scar that they have yet to overcome. BUT...the dom/switch ignores this hard limit partly because they have not had enough training and partly because they are too young to understand the meaning/need for hard limits (I know this because I have witnessed it). When the dom/switch breaks a hard limit without consent than that is the dom/switches fault, not the sub/slaves. Knowing how to treat someone who is placing their faith and safety in your hands is more important than believing that you have the right and privilege to break their hard limit. Actually, YOU DON'T!

In my time I have taken several courses at a local college in Human Psychology. I feel this is very important because it gives the dom/switch insight to how the mind works and how a person may process pleasure and pain, joy and fear. If you don't know how this part of the human mind works then you have not completed your training. I, certainly, am not trying to imply that anyone who has not taken the time to find a way to learn more about human psychology is not qualified to be a dom/switch. I'm only trying to say that the more education you have about how the mind and body work the more qualified you will be to engage in a sadistic environment.

Freya369 • Jun 4, 2019

That was my point...
A hard limit had been set and agreed upon. When the sub is under that kinda of situation, s/he is particularly vulnerable, ALL THE MORE REASON for the Dom to pay special attention around the limit. Trust was violated in this case. The sub specifically said "I messed up."

She did not. She asked for some space, and then she took blame upon herself...because he didn't call for a week as maybe she hadnt been specific! Really! When in actual fact kicking his arse would have been a better option....speaking metaphorically and politically correctly of course! One wouldn't want to offend the Dom...would we.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 4, 2019

I agree with the line of thinking that a hard limit should never be crossed, especially without copious discussion and consent from the limit holder. I mean imagine IF it were a hard limit of the Dom, say something such as not speaking to others. Subbie would probably be on the bus to elsewhere. However, I am not sure that it is fair to "crucify" the Dom, until/unless his side were known. You know the whole innocent until proven guilty theory.

I mean it is always possible there was miscommunication on whether it was a hard or soft limit, etc. But, IF all things are completely as set forth by OP, then yes Mr. Dom committed a cardinal sin. The submissive should not be accepting blame for that, at best it is a failure of mutual communication, at worst a Dom gone wrong. But, again I must repeat that we only know one side of the story and that isn't saying OP wasn't completely forthcoming, it just is what it is.

MD