Is This Disingenuous?

Is This Disingenuous?

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Jul 3, 2019

I have a friend who frequents Fetlife more than she does the Cage, and we were talking the other day about how hard it is to find partners when you're a switch or generally enjoy both sides of BDSM play, so calling yourself a Dom or sub can feel like lying. She mentioned her solution to the problem: She has two Fetlife profiles, one that presents her as a Domme, the other presents her as a sub. She shares my mindset of only wanting one long-term partner, so it's not like she's just fishing for one-time scene partners (which I don't think would elicit the same question). I didn't think anything of it at the time, but since it kinda feels like a disingenuous approach to dating in the scene. She's not inherently lying, but she's presenting herself as something she's not 100% to make finding partners easier.

Is that disingenuous? Or am I reacting weirdly to something I've never heard of anyone doing before?

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jul 3, 2019

No, I don't think that's disingenuous at all.

We are all complex multifaceted personalities who exhibit different aspects at different times. Even if your friend got into a relationship with someone using her sub side and didn't talk about her switchiness, well i think that is her business. It might not make for a stable relationship but it really is her choice. We are all evolving anyway - none of us will be the same 12 months from now.

I think in all likelihood as she got to know someone this aspect of her personality would come out and be discussed.

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Jul 3, 2019

I think it’s actually a smart way to go about it. I also would expect early on in conversation with someone she should let them know that she’s a switch and explain the dual profile. Or that is how I would handle it if it were me. Being a switch is difficult(trust me I know). Many people don’t understand or accept it. I carried the tag of switch here for a while, but my ability to switch is very specific as I only switch to a top with women. So after consideration I removed the tag.

As long as she’s open and honest I think she’s brilliant!

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jul 4, 2019

as long as she is 100% truthful, if a relationship does 'start' to form, that she is a "switch" , then there is nothing wrong with this approach. If she is "omitting" details it can end badly. To some "omitting" is the same as "lying" seeing as how BDSM cornerstones are built on trust, you might be building on sand if you do choose to omit details entirely.

For myself personally. I like to know straight up if a person is a switch, that I see as a potential. Why? I don't want to invest time in something that wont work for me long term. Nor do I wish to waste anothers time, simply because they omitted telling me, what is an important detail to ME.

I'm Femdom, not mixed BDSM, in other words the only way I'll get on my knees, is if my partner is lying down and I cant reach! I will never get on my knees for a dominant anyone. I do not switch, not now or even in a weak moment in the future. Being with a switch, they would have to forgo that part of themselves to be with me. How is that even "fair"

I said earlier I'm Femdom. Femdom by the trueeeewwww sense of the word doesn't have switches (hold the pitch forks and flames, I didn't say I have that opinion. Switches are real) Within Femdom, the Dominant remains the Domme and the partner (male or female) only has one role, that of submissive, they DO NOT have any other role (unless F/f then switching is considered ok) just like the title Maledom is traditionally M/f (unless M/m then switching is considered ok) Mixing roles is [mixed] BDSM or fetishism. Often what we are, is tied up within the title we use, such as Femdom, Maledom, BDSM or my fetish is...XYZ. Often these simple titles get over looked as the self titles become more important. the first title will often represent how a person leans in this situation.

For myself personally, I would hate to take on a submissive that is locked into one role but feels they belong in both worlds. It is not fair on myself or the [submissive] partner I take on, care for. For myself, a relationship is about BOTH of us getting our needs met, in a way that allows us both to be true to our natures. All parties need to be true to themselves and others.....tucking away a part of yourself, just to be with someone, never ends well. I personally want a happy ending...as do most!

Edited to add: I walked away and then thought. We all wanted to be loved and be cherished...but.... Isn't it better to be loved for who you are? rather than for who you are not? (its a corny saying but it does have a lot of truth in its words)

Miki • Jul 4, 2019

If It Feels Good, Do It.

Let's face it. Part of this "lifestyle" is that we're all a bit different than the "usual". Those with whom we identify and have kinky experiences with should know that, by definition, we march to different drummers and one of those involve full sexual satisfaction. Oftentimes that involves stepping beyond the boundaries of monogamy. With that in mind it should be "Take me as I am, take me as often as you wish, but be advised, from time to time, my needs can and will exceed that which you can give me", and in the spirit of the so-called "alternate lifestyles" in which we find ourselves, just let me have what I need and you can have the rest."

Hope that helps, but I march to an entirely different band.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Jul 5, 2019

@Miki

I'm sorry, what? My post has nothing to do with polygamy.

Miki • Jul 5, 2019

skip this one-- can't delete. Should have used the "Quote" button

Miki • Jul 5, 2019

I believe I posted to the wrong thread. In any event I did not mean "polygamy" as it is usually intended. when I spoke of "monogamy". I should have written "monogamous relationships" whether involving marriage or not.

Perhaps "polyamorous" is a better fit.

In any case that reply looks like it was intended for another thread and can't delete it or edit it out.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jul 6, 2019

I think this is very good for her and very smart. Especially if she's looking for two different experiences. I don't think it's disingenuous. When you get to know somebody and talk to them all of it tends to come out anyway. Good for her