How does “strictly online” work?

How does “strictly online” work?

Miss Tam​(dom female) • Jul 18, 2019

Honestly asking. I see many Profiles and Personals stating online ONLY.

How does that work? I know about vetting and online play and being patiently careful and sustaining a LDR. But I’m just curious, are there folks not desiring any physical contact? Can a D/s relationship work online?

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jul 18, 2019

Miss Tam,

This is an interesting question that comes up from time to time. It often degenerates into 'I could never do that ...' against 'I think its fantastic' but I appear to have stumbled across the conversation in its infancy .

There are people who only do online, and there are people who do online to build a connection that they make physical in the future after a period. As for why people do online only, there are many reasons: some might be nervous of a physical relationship, some, unfortunately might be keeping this from a RL partner, some are just experimenting. There might be others that have restrictions in their domestic situation yet still want to experience this type of connection. I got into the online way of doing things to build a set of skills. I continue to do it partly because of the intense connections i feel, but also because I can be very thoughtful and introspective about what is going on because it is (ALL) built on communication. Rewarding relationships are all beautiful and unique and online D/s is no exception.

I have had a range of experiences with RL dynamics, online dynamics and online that have 'converted' into RL dynamics. My experience is that the 'online' experience can be very intense and certainly the submissive girls I have interacted within a dynamic have easily found their submissive place. From the D side, getting the infrastructure in place (understanding the chosen methods and techniques) can be some work, but is very rewarding. My own experience is also that the online D/s relationships tend to be shorter and I think this is because online relationships are inherently unstable: it only takes one person to walk away for a time and trust is lost for good. However, the flip side is that such dynamics allow you to hone your relationship skills. With a physical relationship you can hide the mistrust and flaws in the relationship by having sex or otherwise distracting yourselves. In an online relationship there is no hiding - if you cannot communicate well things fall apart very quickly.

Can a D/s relationship work online? Yes, absolutely, it can be highly rewarding and very thought provoking. Is it for everyone? Probably not. Is it the same as a RL connection? There are some similarities but i think it is best to think of it as a different beast within which you can explore your D or s side.

Hope that helps.

Carraway

Miss Tam​(dom female) • Jul 18, 2019

@Carraway

Thank you so much for this thoughtful response! I understand better now.

I wonder how a Dom would handle aftercare online? Only words of affirmation? I had an online friend that wanted me to push him to overcome his fear of buying a teddy for himself at the mall. He was very anxious about it. I tried to be supportive but I didn’t want to Dominate him for 2 reasons: 1) i was looking for someone else and didn’t want to get sidetracked. 2) I knew it might difficult for him (read: anxiety attack) and I couldn’t imagine how I could comfort him virtually.

Hmmm. On further analysis I now realize I couldn’t comfort him because I didn’t know him. I am able to comfort other friends from a distance. Why not him? Because my heart wasn’t in it.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jul 19, 2019

....I wonder how a Dom would handle aftercare online? Only words of affirmation?

In terms of aftercare, yes, all you really have is words. The way I approach it is that I only have online relationships these days and don't have casual play. That way there is an ongoing dialogue every day. I also ramp up the intensity slowly (over the relationship) so that I get to know my partner well, and find out what they need in terms of aftercare. I think if you are planning an online scene with a newish partner then its a good idea to do that when you know you have a few hours after to chat and vibe. I am one of those irritating D types that likes to discuss what happened, how you felt, were you surprised, how much did you fear it, what kind of pain was it etc etc. Those conversations post-scene are my best feedback and I think if the conversation is light and affectionate then they are a great way to do aftercare online. Aftercare is ramped up also by voice and, although not everybody feels comfortable with that, the voice is so much more human and caring.

In terms of your friend ... I have been in situations where people have reached out to me to ask me to Dom them. Some of them I refuse because I've been in a relationship or they are not what I am looking for - you should not feel bad about that. Others I have quickly realised have had other issues that would make them an unstable or unsuitable partner. I don't have any qualms about refusing (in as gentle way as possible) to get involved. It might be tempting to know that you can provide some support for a little while but if your partner is not in the right place all you are doing is creating a dependency. This should be positive in our lives. If your heart is not in it, then you should not do it.

Yes, it would be difficult to get your friend to the teddy cash point all in one go. On a practical level I would approach it in bite sized chunks over a week with tasks such as:

setting up the date a week in advance when the purchase will definitely be made
visiting the outside of the store
visiting the store and going in for a few minutes
knowing what items would be bought
having everything in place to make sure it is a success
setting up some kind of reward for when the deed is done

Then all through the week you would discuss the purchase that will be made on day x, perform self-visualisation, discuss how much easier it is to think about it now after all the visits (and not talk about the anxiety itself but how easy it is to discuss the purchase), discuss plans of what can and will happen with the teddy once bought etc etc. That way the purchase itself is normalised and becomes part of a larger future where pleasant things happen. And of course make yourself available for a few hours after the event for aftercare.

Carraway

Miss Tam​(dom female) • Jul 19, 2019

You’re the best! Thank you so much. I get it and I’m please to read that My instincts suited the situation. I see now that there is a reasonable path forward in these relationships.

TBH I thought that “online only” meant quick, no commitment, sexting, and “straight to play” kind of relationships. But now I see they can be much more if you have the heart to do it.

LittleMissNat​(sub female){Engaged} • Jul 19, 2019

Here's the thing- Online only more often than not isn't BDSM. It's erotic roleplaying at best. Now that's saying all our. I've had my fair share of online relationships. I'm in a online dynamic now but that's a bit different because we do plan to meet in person and aren't sexual.

Also- There is an immense amount of fake online only doms. They will solely demand you have no limits and do whatever they please. You can't learn BDSM through a screen. They will try to convince you up and down that you can. You must be very careful of that. I know from experience.

If you want to enter an online only dynamic I suggest getting involved in your local BDSM community first and learning all you can. Then taking it slow slow slow. Though from my experience, actually playing is very much more pleasurable.

SoaringFree​(sub female) • Jul 19, 2019

Please keep in mind that you only get out as much as you put in. I've had 2 online Doms before my Sir. The first was brief and really most of the time I don't count it. The connection just wasn't there. The second lasted months and was purely sexual. That was more of a kink relationship than BDSM. He and I had a great time while it lasted but it held no emotional component. This was agreed upon in the beginning because of external components. My current Sir and I have it all. We live 3000 miles apart but have a relationship that compares to no other. We have constant contact, open communication that I have never had before. There isn't anything that goes through either of our heads that isn't shared with the other. We play via chat or over the phone. It may be he who is instructing and me who is doing, but the pain and redness left on my ass cheeks is still the same. He knows where I am at all times, I have rules that I follow. We both live our relationship dynamics 24/7. We know about our vanilla lives outside of "Us". I tell him about the struggles I'm having with my son leaving for college and he shares everything about his life as well. It is only as much as you put in. Do I miss and need the physical, hell yes! But really.... until that can happen full time (which we're working on), I will enjoy what we have because I can't imagine a relationship getting any better than this. I've seen people ask the question on why would you do online with someone if you couldn't ever meet? I for one would do it anyways. Enjoy the time together, learn from each other to be a better person. Situations always change and you never know if yours might too. Your online could become a reality.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Jul 19, 2019

1."I had an online friend that wanted me to push him to overcome his fear of buying a teddy "

2."I am able to comfort other friends from a distance. Why not him? Because my heart wasn’t in it."

1. Be very careful of those who push you to dom them. Your friend is the type to use Dommes as "beards"
Those who want to CD or have bi tendencies but don't want to own it so they seek out Dommes and manipulate/ top from the bottom.
2. You didnt want to dom him to begin with.

Ocelotgoddess • Jul 20, 2019

I have done online a few times but this includes aspects like
1. sensory association
2. word association
3. creativity
4. activities together as shared meals made together on webchat
watching the same YouTube show
with the same popcorn
or a shower
At the same time
Depending on information shared things that can be planned as a surprise for a post office that can be seen often enough, or a couple of boxers they can sleep with covered in my sweat, a bra to me with a pubic hair, cum or juat hair of theirs on the inside I have to wear thinking of them..or other connecting activities that honor our mutual limits
it is a different depth that many other relationships do not reach.

Ocelotgoddess • Jul 21, 2019

https://youtu.be/TJnQY2Yc7VI