am i responsible to fulfill my (sub) partner's fantasies?

am i responsible to fulfill my (sub) partner's fantasies?

Miss Treasure​(dom gender fluid) • May 23, 2017

although not feeling too comfortable by picking the "dom woman / sub man-forum" (as too binary in my point of view), i am introducing myself to this forum with a temporary heavy heart and blurry mind. my real life friends do have a very different ( = conventional) sex / emotional life, therefore i hope someone with a similar lifestyle can give me a perspective in my current process. i try to make it comprehensible.i appreciate every one of you, who reads through it and is willing to respond…! i'm a person with many thoughts, feelings and words, so bear with me.

i am in an 8 years relationship, with a person i consider to be the one i want to work through things and enjoy life with. it is a very heartfelt, intense and intimate connection, both unbelievably drawn to each other on all levels and dedicated to what we share and have built throughout the years. coming from different emotional backgrounds, i witnessed immense emotional growth and a diamond unfolding, yet at the same time i was able to become what i urged to be my entire life myself. all everyday life-difficulties of growth have always been minor and trivial to the love and passion we share for each other. over time, we established an intentional communication process, that helps us most of the time to get through tight moments.

over the years, instead of decreasing, our sex life and sexual identities intensified and became very true to who we are „inside“. physically a „woman“ and a „man“, we both perceive ourselves as genderqueer/fluid, pansexual and non-binary beings. this allows us to be very playful with our desires. especially, since we both felt safe with each other to communicate formerly „secret desires“ and embrace bdsm rituals. i am at awe, every time i am able to witness my lover as a soft and submissive girl and can act out as a caring yet demanding mistress with my harness on my sissy slave. at the same time we appreciate each others given genitalia and whole body without a „scenario“, too.

need to mention: we are both not interested in an open or polyamorous relationship at this point.

now, as for my „issues“: yesterday, during a slow, sensual and compassionate foreplay, pleasing my partner orally, i hear the following words: „sometimes i wish someone would share and multiply the desire i feel for you“. i must admit, it stopped my passion. i eased my pace and asked: „what do you mean… do you miss smith?“. i wanted to be open for the conversation, yet i felt panic. of course my partner felt that and tried to calm me with „don’t be so negativ, nothing is missing. please accept i'm sensitive as i'm telling you this. you just have this skinny & tall beautiful body, sometimes i wish there would to be 4 hands to caress it“. replying smth like: „tell me more about your fantasies so i can understand you more“, i was scared and interested at the same time. „i wish somebody would join me in the cult of adoring you. being treated myself and watch you treat someone else. you just are the born mistress and i wish you would be the kind of mistress who gets all her desires met.“ of course wonderfully put, but it hurt me to hear these word. i replied: „i actually have all my desires met right now. and i don’t wanna loose you or share my energy to others, as this is very sacred to me.“ i really appreciated the honesty and yet, i was so terrified. even with the response: „i don’t wanna interact with someone else. i am drawn to you exclusively. i don’t want a threesome or open up our relationship. but i wanna make everything possible for you. be cherished by more than just me during (a bdsm) sex play, and for you to have more than just me, but it is not about me and someone else at all. i would fall even more in love with you, just from that perspective.“ i was given literally all cards to play, and it just overwhelmed me.

the conversation turnt into sex after all, but i feel defeated ever since then. calm, quiet, pondering. also: imposed to smth i didn’t ask for. somehow i can relate to the idea, the concept of what i was offered. yeah sure, another little play toy that adores me? and my partner enjoying me being double spoiled without wanting anything more than that? sure a nice thought. i love being the centre of attention. yet at the same time i’m not sure if i can imagine to do so. at the moment i am stuck: do i ruin smth when i agree, or do i ruin smth if i disagree? i don’t wanna give it a shot and find out later it was a mistake, one way or the other. in any way, it doesn’t feel consensual at the moment. although i can relate to the concept of having some sort of „harem“, i don’t really want to care for more people. but if i would interact with somebody, i would feel the responsibility to make them feel comfortable, too. it is so weird, because that evening one part of me was literally starting to look for a „genderqueer tomboyish sub femme preferably vegan, liberal, feminist, to join for sex play but not to interact with my partner but why not having a nice dinner together and watch indie movies afterwards“ (it’s a needle in the hay, i know). at the same time i feel like i am being betrayed. like i am not enough. like i wanna puke. like „how can i be the mistress when i am being pushed into something i don't want instead of being the active part“. i am being dramatic, but authentic at the same time….

my partner felt all of that inner conflict of course and is very caring and dedicated ever since yesterday. scared to have overwhelmed me. scared of the own words and of ruining smth with a fantasy i can’t handle. at the moment i need to feel through it without communication. i know we are so keen for each other that we will find a solution, like with everything else before. but what’s my part of the solution gonna be? it's just hard for me to decide if i want to realize the scenario and fulfill a dream of the love of my life. as i wanna support my partner through life and hear these last words: „fuck yeah. what a magic life with you.“ or if i hold myself back by not allowing it. if i am boring and unprogressive. and how such a thing would actually work out in real life??

what is actually the help or feedback i am asking for here? i don’t know. as i am torn apart, i can’t even define it myself. maybe someone who reads this can relate with one point or another, wants to share some productive thoughts on my story… or feels me in one way or the other. i would be very grateful for a little support, as a strong, powerful „i can handle everything, i’m so cool with everything“-kinda person in a surprisingly weak state of mind.

thank you for reading this.

Kinkylocs​(switch female){Who cares} • May 23, 2017

Thank you for sharing, the connection between you and your partner sounds truly beautiful (multiple lifetimes beautiful )

I can empathize with your distraught/conflicting feelings, though I cannot situationally relate to it.

I think it's very wise of you to point out that you care so much for your submissive that you're not sure you could take on the extra responsibility that comes having more than one. As long as communication is maintained about any changes in desire(or lack there of) for this fantasy, ruining your relationship seems unlikely. Mistakes are only mistakes if we don't learn from them in my opinion, but maybe that's just my way of coping with all my "mistakes" And sometimes, when things go wrong for us, it allows us to help others down as they reach that cross road that we crossed ourselves.

"boring and unprogressive"? A gender-fluid pan sexual couple? teehee I doubt it I think some people might actually push themselves farther than they can stretch because they're afraid of the same thing; I can definitely relate to that feeling!

I'd say, meditate on it some more Is there any reason this needs to be figured out now?

Hubby and I have been of the mind that we'd be open to a third party, but feel that going out and actively looking will only breed disappointment. If the opportunity arises organically and the chemistry is there, then it must be a sign from the Gods themselves!

Hope that was in any way helpful lol

Miss Treasure​(dom gender fluid) • May 24, 2017

thank you so much for your reply!

what a good question actually: "is there any reason this needs to be figured out now." no, of course not. of course our relationship is not dependent on the answer. but i need to keep this in mind, as i am rather impatient and a "make it happen"-kinda person. i am standing in my own way there but yes, meditation would definitely do some good here, actually it's what i already did.

after all i guess the most important part is to keep the communication active. giving space to express fantasies, yet at the same time not being pressured by them. nevertheless thinking through the possibilities, the pros and cons. and maybe even try & error. because: yay, mistakes!

thank you for the sweet feedback, i really appreciated it and feel more encouraged already!