Advice for a switch new to BDSM

Bearotic(sub female)

5 years ago • Oct 14, 2019

Advice for a switch new to BDSM

5 years ago • Oct 14, 2019

So I am pretty new to BDSM, I’ve always had many kinks and wanted to be in a submissive for someone, however as a switch I feel like I can’t fully submit. I don’t know if this makes any sense.

I love being the sub in any circumstance about 90% of the time, but when someone tells me I always have to do as I’m told the dominant streak in me doesn’t want to commit to that. I don’t know if this is normal as a switch or if I’m just a brat. I know I am *very* much so a brat in many aspects.

I guess I’m just asking for tips, advice, or just anything that may help me in this journey haha

Azzabackam(switch male){PawPawGirl}

5 years ago • Oct 14, 2019

Firstly, hi! And welcome to the lifestyle! For context, I'm a switch as well, with seven years in this. More experienced members can share more of their own experiences. Now, advice:

> A lot of jargon gets thrown around in the kink community. Dom, sub, switch, Master, slave, etc. These terms are... fairly fluid in their definitions. The last two are pretty solid, but the others are used almost as umbrella terms to cover a *lot* of specifics. One Dom's interests and practices could just be a sliver shy of vanilla sex, while another had a fully outfitted dungeon in his house. Switch is the worst of it. What a switch actually *is* varies from person to person. So, whatever it means for you, is what it means for you. Don't sweat trying to figure out if you're a bratty sub or a switch. The distinction between the two, as far as how you'll come to understand them, will come clear both in time practicing the lifestyle, and as you talk to others.

>There are a lot of different aspects to this stuff. Different people do different things. Different people lead almost entirely different lifestyles while *still* being a part of the kink lifestyle. However, across all of these differences, two things hold true as most important for everyone.

-Communication
-Respect

For the first: if you have a partner, you talk to them about everything relevant to the scene you do with them. If you want a Dom to spank you, you make that interest clear to them before hand. If you don't want a Dom to spank you, you doubly make that clear beforehand. It's a very, very important pillar of all this that everyone is talking about what they are, and are not, cool with. If you go into a scene and there's an aspect of it you're not comfortable with, communicate it. Don't roll with things just because you don't think it'll be "all that bad". A lot of people, especially subs, get physically and emotionally hurt by participating in things they either aren't ready for, or aren't comfortable with. And that brings us to-

The second point: Respect. A "good" sub and a "good" Dom, if they're characterized by any one thing, it will be this. A good Dom won't pressure you into something you've said you don't want to do. Won't set expectations they know you can't meet as someone who's new to all this. Honestly, a lot of common sense advice for traditionally vanilla relationships applies here as well. A good way to think of this is as boundaries. Let's say hypothetically, you're very much against being tied up. If you make that clear, and a partner tries to force the issue, or insist on it, or manipulate you in some way (such as saying things like "Everyone does this", "it's just expected", or "If you're serious about this, you'll do it"), that's a wild disregard for your boundaries, and very disrespectful towards you.

I could probably write a book with even more new members should know, as there are whole books written on this very subject (some aren't very good, take them with a grain of salt). But for the most part, those are the two most important. Communicate how you feel, and don't let anyone be an asshole to you/ don't be an asshole to anyone else.

The most loved post in topic

rickeyboy

5 years ago • Oct 14, 2019

I know for myself I started out 15 years ago as a Dominant.After making friends with a number of other Dominants I decided to try to sub for a woman.
I enjoyed it very much and considered myself a switch with many of the same feelings your having now. The best way I found to deal with them was as Azzabackam said .
That is communication talk with your dom tell them how you feel every dom is different. Some love a brat others just won't tolerate it. The important thing is to just be yourself and communicate your feelings and thoughts with your Dom to be sure your always on the same page. But you'll find not every Dom is right for you rather then having bad feelings in a relationship it's always best to use communication and find that perfect fit for you. Then you learn who you truly are and grow with it.

Azzabackam(switch male){PawPawGirl}

5 years ago • Oct 14, 2019

I totally back up what Rickey said. It can be hard finding a partner, and a lot of people are willing to settle for an incompatible partner rather than be alone for awhile looking for someone better. It really only leaves you both unhappy, and if you're not happy with a relationship, communicate it, and if it can't be worked out, it's better to move on than force something that won't work.

MasterBear(other butch)

5 years ago • Oct 15, 2019

Hello and welcome !

Many times when we are new we get stuck on the concept of having an identity right away. Your particular BDSM /sexual identity might be a very complex and very fluid. With some people you can submit perhaps with others you can't. Don't get hung up on the label as much as just learning to explore yourself and what others bring out in you.

MasterBear(other butch)

5 years ago • Oct 15, 2019