How did you?

How did you?

RopeBunnie​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Nov 15, 2019

For those of you who have been in the BDSM lifestyle for awhile - and newer - as a couple - be it married or just long term - how did you know or decide that this is what you wanted? Who first broached the subject? Who brought it up? How did you decide on your dynamic? For the one who brought it up, how did you do it? If you were the receiver, how did it initially make you feel when it was brought up, and how did you handle it? What has helped you to make it work/balance with the vanilla side (if you have one, that is)? I'm looking more specifically about D/s dynamics, but honestly any answers from any dynamic is welcome.

Aria Quinn​(sub female){collared} • Nov 15, 2019

~Background~
My husband and I were super young when we met, I was 17 and he was 20. He was raised in a very conservative Christian home and I was raised going to church but my home life was dis functional and abusive. We dated for 4 years before getting married.
Our journey into D/s has been kind of an organic process, because we were young we matured mentally, emotionally, and sexually together. Because of how we were raised we had an understanding of the expectations of our gender roles and luckily we fit into those expectations, (and just for the record I do not believe that those roles are gender specific or arbitrary I just wanted to express what was bestowed upon us through our upbringing). I had a hard time balancing the idea of submission with the abuse that I had witnessed and experienced, I wanted to submit to my husband but I was guarded and afraid to put myself in a position to be mistreated.
It took a year to into our marriage (about 5 years into our relationship) for me to fully trust him. I naturally became more and more submissive, and started to yield to his leadership. Around that time I bought up the idea spanking as for play, we both liked it but I was always wanting to go further but realized that my husband was not comfortable doing more. Then we had a baby and everything got put on hold for a few years.

~*~Actually answering your question~*~
Around this time 50 shades had come out and a coworker convinced me to watch the movie, and I roped my husband into watching it with me. While not the most ideal medium it was able to open up a conversation between us about other aspects of BDSM, like bondage, and sensory play. We also recognized the obvious abuse and control of the relationship and realized that was not something to aspire to or emulate. Watching the movies led me to reading the books then other BDSM themed erotica, and that lead to me finding blogs, podcast, and YouTube channels of BDSM educators and learning more about the lifestyle aspects.
After a lot a research I came to him about 6 months ago and suggested that we move into a 24/7 D/s dynamic. I realized that we had kind of naturally fallen into those roles, but we were both becoming frustrated because our roles were not clearly defined to one another and we were trying to guess our way through our dynamic. Once we embraced our D/s titles and defied the expectations and boundaries within our relationship we have been so much happier. We are able to discuss what we want sexually, and new aspects of BDSM play that we want to explore. Our trust and overall communication has increased and continues to get better and better. Our relationship is better then it’s ever been.

Re: How did you?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Nov 16, 2019

Back ground. I've always had BDSM orientated relationships (predominantly Femdom). I have never been in a vanilla relationship for more than a few weeks while in the dating/partner hunt game and pretending to myself that I needed to be "normal" (what ever that is *rollseyes*). My current Femdom relationship is 22 years strong, 24/7 (known him 30). my previous of 10 years wonky 24/4 and prior to that a disastrous 8 years of bedroom only. I am also poly on and off. My partner and I joke I run a catch and release program for injured wild life.



I've always known from an early age that I wanted Femdom. I'm fairly head strong so have a tendency to not settle for less than I want. I eventually got it right with the right partner but it did take me a few goes and failed attempts but each taught me more about what I didn't want. I was lucky that being involved in the BDSM community my partners always came from that friend circle but surprisingly the one (current) that worked wasn't.
However he was a friend of past partner so knew of my love for BDSM, he had after all seen how i interacted with them. My current sub and I where best friends for years prior to getting to together. He had always hinted he might kinky. I knew he was at least kink tolerant and not blind to my needs. Neither of us wanted to step out side of the bounds of friendship.
When we both ended up single, the flirting grew. About nine months into singleton life and still besties. He needed a place to stay on weekends to be close to mutual friends after acquiring a new job away. I offered up my spare room. The first night he arrived and asked where he could put his work boots. Me being blunt said "under my bed" ..the rest as they say is history! He never left after that night and quit the working away job.

I was lucky as we both went to this with eye wide open. He knew I had more kinks than a 20 foot piece of chain. I knew he had kinky tenancies and wanted to explore just how deep they where. Being best friends we knew everything about each other. Everything from there just unfolded organically. Some days the balance goes off kilter but we both know it will right itself because we both want it to. Real life comes with the flu, dishes and the odd blocked toilet and for us three ferals.. I mean lovable children. Real life doesn't look like a porno playing 24/7. You need to do what any relationship has to..you need to keep it fresh and keep communications open and keep expectations well grounded. For us its about acceptance of deepest selves and knowing the other gets it.

RopeBunnie​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Nov 16, 2019

Well, I can't figure out how to reply to each post separately, so... @Harlequin, than you for that. I'm trying to figure out how to talk to my husband about this, what would you recommend was the best part of your research that helped you? I've been married to my husband since I was 20 and he was almost 32...i want to be sure this is something we are both wanting/needing. So I thank you for sharing.

@MissBonnie, thank you for sharing as well. It is great to have both a newbie and experienced perspective. I agree with "what is normal". I'm learning more everyday that normal isn't a thing, and besides, who wants that?! I think I've been suppressing myself due to my upbringing and what was viewed as "normal". I don't want to do that anymore, but I want to do this with my husband and I feel he is the right Dom, but that he may not be aware... If that even makes sense!

Thank you both!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 16, 2019

My beloved was in a D/s relationship with her partner before me. When we first got together I was not vanilla per se, but I was unaware of BDSM.


We both wanted to take our time. So we both spent our first 3 years in training. What did this mean to us? What does this look like long term? Is it viable long term? Who are we within our roles? Who are we without them? What does this look and feel like to us? Is it rewarding? How does being in public in a bdsm space change us, what we do, how we act?



For me--- this was all long term oriented.


We let it grow from there. Skill came over time, concepts crystallized or dissolved , identities became engrained.


I love looking back over our life and see how we have grown and changed.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 16, 2019

I would like to add that I dont care how people come into BDSM. 50 shades, porn, a friend, a partner-

These are all valid.

We ALL had a starting place where we didnt know squat.

RopeBunnie​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Nov 16, 2019

MasterBear,

Thank you for that! I truly appreciate the insight and giving me more to think about!