Best couple ever, not fully compatible in BDSM

Best couple ever, not fully compatible in BDSM

Elzbieta​(sub female) • Nov 27, 2019

Hello,
I come to you with a question: what you do, when your life partner is not fully compatible with your kinky needs?
We're generally a very happy, loving couple. Two similar people at the same age, who enjoy each other company and understand each other perfectly. We're a good team in regular life.
But.
I am submissive and like some pain, but need also some independence. I love the feeling of belonging, but sometimes I need lots of freedom - like a husky dog, let's say, who runs a lot each day. My beloved Master would like me to be his property, controlled much more than now, and he's also very Sadistic, creative at hurting people. We're not equally deep into kinky world and also my personality is not one of a perfect slave - I am more wild, maybe primal?
Recently Master started to be deeply frustrated about me not making any progress - when I reached my current level of BDSM I need. He's best boyfriend ever and best Master ever, and I''d love to make him happy... but not by making myself unhappy and not myself anymore. That's not the point, I guess.

I suppose it's a story old like this world, so - what do you do in such situations?

Search for play partners for the unfulfilled one?
Meet in the middle of (un)happiness?
Visit a kinky-aware therapist or a sex coach?
Search for a better partner and leave current one?
Give up your needs?
Give up your limits?

Any ideas?

LittleRabbit​(sub female){Owned} • Nov 27, 2019

This post really resonates with me as my Dom and I faced similar issues. Like you, I’m a very independent person and do not have a slave mind. My Dom on the other hand is a natural Master and prefers TPE. Our vanilla “traits” align perfectly and we are very much in love. But we struggled in our dynamic because every time he pushed my boundaries I fought like crazy, which ended up frustrating him and I both. However, I am submissive and naturally I want to please him. After a lot of talk and “trial and error” we found our balance. I am his submissive but we have what we call “slave days” where I am his slave. On top of that we have what we call “vanilla” days, where we focus on our relationship and discuss any issues in our dynamic.

This system will be strange to some but it works for us. As I’ve always said there is no consensus on what constitutes for a “proper” D/s. It’s all about finding what works for you. None of us are in what is considered to be a conventional relationship so why would a D/s relationship be any different. Just be honest and open with one another about what you’re willing and not willing to do. You don’t want to be unhappy and your Master I’m sure won’t want that either. If you can’t find a happy medium or a system that works for you then there are other ways to make that happen. For example, I’ve noticed you are poly. Therefore, perhaps he could find what he needs in another relationship or you could bring in a third person to your dynamic.

Unlike you, my Dom and I are monogamous but we regularly have additional play partners. I also have a Domme side and we owned a slave together for about 6 months, which further helped with his needs. Just communicate with each other and find what works for you. As long as you are both willing then you shouldn’t have to end. Good luck!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 27, 2019

I have a lot of questions here. But my first is what is a level of BDSM?

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 27, 2019

Ultimately what you're talking about is a conflict of identity here. He is a Master that from your writing seems to be looking wanting a slave.


You are either one- not slave identify or two - not really interested in being slave identified. Not a failing btw.

These types of mismatched identities happens all of the time, and generally do not tend to end well.

What I mean here is that people that are Master identified people tend to have expectations that can be extremely hard and limiting for non slave identified people.


Important to note here but this is not a failing or anybody's fault. Look at it this way. If a Master takes on a furry. They should not be surprised if the furry is not interested in common protocol slavery and instead would like their ears scratched.



My ultimate suggestion here is that you either open up and become poly or figure out some other way where everybody can get their needs met. Otherwise this could get into pushing people into doing things that could ultimately cause harm.


Moreover and I think this is a great learning point for all of us M types out there. If you're going to take somebody in under your wing see if your identities match first. If you are a Master and you are looking for a slave, you need to take people seriously when they do not identify that way.

ADIDAS • Nov 27, 2019

Keep the lines of communication open and honest between you both.
I have always had a saying that has never failed me... it's not original but think about it.... if it's something you want bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen.

Here's something else to consider.... people ask me the secret to how I've managed to stay in a happy, loving, albeit vanilla 36 year marriage.......... compromise, commitment and forgiveness. The compromise part might be relevant. Just keep trying different things until you find what works.

I know you will make it work! You already have alot going for you. This is an otherwise bump in the road of life.

Good luck to you both!

Peace, love and happiness
Ms. A

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 27, 2019

What leads me to this conclusion that with the differences of identities you all need to look at open or look at ending it is because of this quote from your post

I''d love to make him happy... but not by making myself unhappy and not myself anymore. That's not the point, I guess. 




This is extremely significant here. Because your happiness does matter. And if you attempt to put yourself into an identity that doesn't fit, it will end badly.. You will disappear. If you think that I am full of crap that's perfectly okay, but look at it this way if you were lesbian identified and your partner is a male and your partner insist you become head of heterosexually identified. We've all seen how that works out.

notavanilla • Nov 27, 2019

It seems that he ( the dom ) wanted less boundaries then you ( the sub ) did. This caused friction because there was not up to that point any dialogue regarding this matter. You did however seem to get together and made a few new boundaries and now maybe you can find some understanding and carry it from there.
It is possible that both sides will not be entirely happy with new arrangements with both getting 50% of what they wanted for instance and this can leave a person with feeling that they lost somehow in this dialogue/agreement.

Let us know how this goes.

notavanilla