Avoiding pitfalls

Avoiding pitfalls

Umberlee​(sub female){Aiden} • Jun 13, 2020

I completely admit I over think things and maybe that’s the case but I am just beginning to explore this world. That being said, I have begun the path to submission and have been talking to several Doms in what could be described as an interview process. I am now only focused on serving one but I constantly feel destabilized and needy. I have questioned my ability to be a good sub because I feel this desperate need for closeness. Never having been in an arrangement such as this I guess what I’m asking is Is this normal? It’s one thing to read it and understand the psychology of this but feeling the need for his attention constantly and balancing a rational fear that either this is unhealthy or maybe he doesn’t have time enough for me. Any advice on tempering the destabilized feeling or do I just accept that it’s part of the process? How do I know if it’s just part of the process or if I truly need more of his time?

curious butterfly​(masochist female) • Jun 13, 2020

Its common. If its normal, that depends. Is the neediness out of insecurities, if so speak to him.

Is it out of loneliness? Because that can feel stronger in the start of a dynamic especially when you speak so intimately so quickly, but don't have physicality.

I seriously suggest speaking to him. And ask him to help you manage your expectations on his availability, including its frequency. If you know he is busy, you will keep yourself busy, you will give him space and you won't feel as needy.

Hope it settles out. Always put your mental stability first. You cannot serve if you aren't happy.

FeistyMinx​(sub female){HAPPYL❤VE} • Jun 13, 2020

GIRL, you sound like I did last fall. For me, I want a Dom that says Good Morning to me every morning and Goodnight every night. I finally realized, once our relationship changed due to him not doing this, that this is one of MY stipulations. I'm not going into a lot of detail because those are feelings I'm still dealing with and sometimes I place them on the back burner. ANYWAY, he had a justifiable excuse until it came to the point that he could have used the work phone every so often but choose not to.
For 6-7 months, it was email. I cannot live of emails alone.
We are submissives, we are the ones who are willing to give up everything HOWEVER we have limits, just as they do, we have boundaries, just as they do.
Limits does not only have to do with just physical BUT emotional, mental, spiritual and whatever else.
A limit for me is lack of absence of attention. If I'm not getting any/no attention at all then BYE.
I'm a brat and I crave my Dom's attention. If the only thing he can do is good morning and Goodnight because his day is so busy and he's exhausted then I understand. But days, weeks... NEVER AGAIN.
I was in such deep depression that I cried for a month or so. I was attached to him, within the first 2 weeks, I could not go a minute without thinking of him.
Don't think that you're being needy; they should already know that we're needy. We're needy of them, they want to have all control and our need for attention, any kind of attention is included.
ALSO, there are, what we call, and what I've just learned, insta-doms. They don't bother taking the amount of time to get to know someone.
In your profile, I suggest you put exactly what you want in a D/s relationship under the BDSM part.
ATTENTION IS NEEDED.

Agirl • Jun 20, 2020

I completely get were you are coming from, I haven’t had or got a Dom yet, I have spoken to a few and found someone I could see myself co ing to trust and submit to freely but I got scared of how I was feeling and shut off. I don’t know how to talk to a Dom always feeling I’m not good enough or that I’m annoying them by talking about how I feel and what I would like and need, attention being something I crave even if only a hello and goodbye.
I have no idea the answer for either of us just know you’re not alone

Untamed SJ • Jun 20, 2020

Hey, I am new to this lifestyle.
I have been having the same feelings.
I thought it was me, good to know it is the doms. Thank you for information.

FeistyMinx​(sub female){HAPPYL❤VE} • Jun 20, 2020

Agirl, be yourself. Any respectable Dom is not going to want you to be anything more or less than yourself. Read some profiles until you like one and press the love this profile button that way they know you like it. Another thing is, fill out YOUR profile with exactly what you want or would like and tell something about yourself. Also you can take the BDSM test. Just Google it, there's not a lot of them and post that on your profile. Change your profile picture to something more you. Put some pictures of memes on your profile. YOUR PROFILE IS YOUR ADVERTISEMENT FOR YOURSELF.

Untamed SJ • Jun 20, 2020

Thank you for words of wisdom. I will work on my profile.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 20, 2020

i tend to believe that "over thinking" is a common sub trait. i can work myself into deep blue funk if i think i have offended someone, without any real evidence to support it, just my imagination. The rational part of me has learned to communicate to avoid that pitfall, but broaching scary topics isn't easy either.

i think one major pitfall is submitting when it doesn't feel 'right.' i think it's tricky. As submissives we have a natural desire to please and there are unscrupulous, and other's who are just ignorant, who would exploit that. A way to help avoid that is learning to discern between what you have called an "interview" and an interogation.

To my way of thinking, finding a partner is two way street. Each is vulnerable, open, with the other in an effort to communicate mutually. Interogators do not like to be open or vulnerable, and their questions can feel coercive and controlling. Which can evoke ambivalence? i want to give control, not have it coerced out of me. To me, 'interviews' are more a process where each gets to ask and answer questions.

my personal feel/thinking is that there is a difference between need and needy. i think'needy' people can be on both sides of the D/s dynamic (i.e., there are needy doms and needy subs). i think it's a mark of immaturity. But that's just my way of putting it all in some sort of order, i don't suggest that my way of looking at this is THE way, just a way for me to make sense of things in a way i can deal. i think sometimes there can be a fine line between need and needy.

FeistyMinx​(sub female){HAPPYL❤VE} • Jun 20, 2020

FOR ME: Needy DOMs freak me out, Il get this really weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just don't bother responding. Now I'm able to depend on "O" to do that. Yes I still get messages from Dom's wanting a sub even though I'm taken, it's very disrespectful and it also says they don't care. ALSO ask around, ask some of these other subs if they know a certain Dom that has messaged you. The reason I say this is because, some are wanting nudes and control right out of the gate. Some are Narcissists, which is a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME, ENERGY, EMOTIONS, MENTAL HEALTH and etc.
I have actually been talking to a sub leaving a narcissist.
ALSO, of you'll look at CobaltWolf's post, you'll see why it's so important to get to know people and ask around about them.

Sculpther​(dom male) • Jun 20, 2020

I think that part of what you are feeling is the cloud created by the "online only " relationship.

I personally feel that the dynamics of the relationship are skewed by the lack of intimacy and personal contact.

Respectfully submitted