How open is open

How open is open

Low{BLK OWND} • Jun 15, 2020

Thinking about this question
As a person in an open relationship do things like secret email accounts fall outside of the idea of being open ?
In other words should all things be shared or not ?
If its OK for us to have sex with other people should it also be OK to keep other things open as well ?
Or do I not know this person like I thought i did if he is keeping secrets ?
Or should I even care ?

Mr E​(dom male) • Jun 15, 2020

I can't answer these questions for you, but I can give some insight into my own situation. Each relationship is different in its own way, and therefore any agreements that work within that will also be different.

Any questions that I receive from my partner I answer to the best of my ability to do so. My partner chooses to mainly ask questions that concern my safety and location - reasonable things to know whatever the situation. Rarely, she may ask more personal things of me which I deal with honestly. I have some discretion to warn that details once known cannot be unknown and I made it clear from the beginning that I would not divulge anything persona/revealing about whomever I was engaging with. It is a very difficult balance sometimes, but is the price of ensuring my partner feels secure.

We have been together for very long time and that kind of shared history means a lot to me and I only put it at risk to the extent that I do because it means so much to learn more about myself in this life. I have always been solid as they come and dependable, and I hope I have shown her over the years that I could be trusted, long before this situation arose in our lives.

My partner is not interested in this kink whatsoever and in truth, I'm not sure she has the characteristics that would allow for a successful kink partnership in this area even so. Rather than force me to choose between parts of myself, she consents to me engaging in both. This is something that I am very thankful for, and that ensures I behave as ethically and honestly as I can. The people with whom I have had conversations I hope can attest to that

Are there large gaps in this sort of arrangement? You bet! Could someone who wanted to act selfishly get a way with a lot? Without doubt! I make sure to be present and in the moment in my 'regular' life, and to always provide contemplative time for questions to be raised and answered. Any time something unforeseen arises, it has to be dealt with by communication. I can't really talk much more as that's as far as I am with it myself.

serenitymuse​(sub female){Orgazmo} • Jun 15, 2020

If you are in a relationship, any relationship, care.
I think any relationship is created with your partner. Created together. There are no rules that the two of you don't create yourself. Are you okay with secrets or are you not?
I agree with Mr E. The known cannot be made unknown again. There have been situations where I don't want to know. I had to look at why and if I was being fair. There have been situations where I wanted to know everything, and I didn't ask. Again not fair.
You are part of creating this. What do you need?

Low{BLK OWND} • Jun 15, 2020

Thank you both
I think I really need to figure out what I need and then see if it fits into this relationship.
I sometimes get the feeling hubby allows my Dom to distract me ...
However he has been for 30 years dependable and always had my back
Just a little freaky...no a lot freaky sexually
So thats the most of why I wonder

Bunnie • Jun 15, 2020

Wow both responses are what makes me love this place. Thank you @ Mr E and @ serenitymuse.

All I can think to add is that open can be so many different things. If you agree to be open in regards to communication, that may mean that this is something that needs to be discussed, to establish what “open” means to everyone involved.

I had a similar thing come up for me around lies. It was such an important opportunity for us to establish how we both approached the concept of lies, and how we could establish being on the same page. It took a lot of discussion and explanation and understanding... but we now have a clear understanding or “agreement.” I know many would automatically say “lies are wrong.” Yes... that’s the easy part. What about the grey areas? As much as we don’t like them, grey areas exist. This is where communication is very much needed... to help either clarify the grey areas, or to establish your own shared meanings towards them.

Low{BLK OWND} • Jun 15, 2020

Thank you Bunny !

Re: How open is open

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 16, 2020

Repeat that S word to yourself. Secret. If by secret you mean "My partner has an account (thereby knowing it exists) and I don't know exactly what it is" then the question is do you need too? You could, for example, need to be aware of it for emergencies. Or are you fine without knowing the "details"? If someone is going out of there way to hide it behind your back altogether (eg: They don't want you to know they even have one at all) then that's a matter of not being honest. Behind your back.

To that I simply say I have zero issue with letting people close to me know my exact personal details because I trust them fully, passwords included. I do not feel insecure in the least. Then again I always offered. But I see no reason to hide it. I mean, why would I? Because of a silly irrational fear of being taken advantage of?



Depends. Personally I share ALL the details. Because there's things like "How I affect others means I treat you differently too". It's important to always be aware and have the FULL story. In the interest of awareness and knowing how you treat each other. Which further contributes to making each other happy and how you do that. Which does happen from how you treat OTHERS. Sexual situations included (sex you had with someone ELSE could enhance how you have sex with who you're with right now due to making the same "right moves"). Which also means learning from how you've interacted with others. Doesn't mean you need to go over every little detail. Does mean you need an idea and others will be affected by how you treat each other. And how you can further treat each other better if you're not currently doing so. Others WILL be better at it then you are if you two are struggling. They are doing something RIGHT that you can LEARN from. Did you COMMUNICATE or remain SILENT? Did you expose yourselves to a situation to get more comfortable with it or avoid the situation and never prove to yourself there's nothing to worry about? You might worry about someone else hearing or seeing what you do (and vice versa). But is that fear valid? And if it is can you learn to get comfortable with a situation by FACING it? (one way to find out. TRY. A number of times) In my experience and observations, yes. Provided concerns are addressed.

I'll share, say, what I do with others if someone likes it. And treat them in a similar manner. But it would be nice to have my bank account remain my own. My computer games are my computer games. But others can play them because I like sharing HAPPINESS. Provided they don't HOG them. Which is the EXACT same logic that can be transferred to people. Computer games don't have feelings. People do. That said, people play games?

Factors like jealousy and feeling inadequate can factor in. But these are FEELINGS. Not LOGIC. Baring "Why someone feels that way". For example, why would it bother you to see/hear something?

At the end of the day it boils down to "How do you treat each other". And "Why would that situation bother you". An answer validates how we feel. The lack of it means you either don't know or fear consumes you. Often people worry over nothing. LEARN from others. TRANSFER to who you're with now. Get a stubborn person to see reason (it can be a fight and a struggle. But LISTEN to each other). While still doing your own things together. Both through words AND actions. Because DOING things teaches much more then simply explaining. It's a matter of repetition, gaining confidence with what you do and then transferring the "similar actions" to the person you are with now. And the actions themselves, and seeing you both have fun in that situation, provides proof and evidence. From there you adapt and make your own things happen together. Sexual or not. You didn't just play a game with someone. You learned games can be enjoyed with others which is why you wanted to play with who you're with now. You didn't just have good sex with your partner. You learned how to do it by observation and interacting with others first. gaining ideas there beforehand which is why you're able to make each other happy right now. It's important to talk about "How to have a good time". Even if it means facing those "inadequate feelings" at first. Most likely people will feel inadequate, but with all due respect, get over it and focus on making each other happy. not worrying about how not to do it. Worry about how to DO it. See the difference?

Sometimes you have bad times. And want to show you've changed the situation and can be "fun" when someone doubts you. They don't want to see it. Maybe it all started because they said "I don't need to know" when you try to explain how to make them happy. Which further scares you into silence. Trust can be a factor but not the deciding factor. The deciding factor is "I know what I'm capable of and can show you you're worrying about nothing". Wherever someone lets you do that is the question. Can be tricky when trust is lacking. Perhaps the most important factor of all in a situation like this is showing you never lied or been dishonest and always keep your word when you say you can do something. Always been clear even if they didn't like it. Even someone that mistrusts you at every turn can't deny you always keep your word. Provided you have indeed done so. That is what gets me results. That is why I turn bad situations around. The question is can you do the same? Or have you lied and kept things hidden away and brushed under the rug?

It's really unfair when someone you care about lies to you, complains about the things you do that they do themselves, and doesn't make an effort because they doubt you due to mistrust. And all because of having something to hide because they don't want to deal with complaints. Which in and of itself could well be an IRRATIONAL fear. Meaning YOU ignited the chain of events due to assumptions. regardless of the truth of that specific matter (totally projecting) if you do it behind my back I'm complaining MORE. WHAT you do with others isn't the issue. The fact that I'm NOT INVOLVED with what you're doing when we're together is the issue. What you REFUSE to do with me. Because of your doubts. Which are then later proven invalid.

Sheez.

Struggle. That's fine. Mess up. That's fine. But don't even try? So not fine. Make excuses for it? Not fine at all. My happiness. Your happiness. Simple as. All of me matters. All of you matters. Simple as. Others matter too. Simple. Fucking. As. But I sure as hell matter.



Well, yea. Be honest. Just refer to the above. The most important detail is honesty and keeping each other involved in ALL things. At least the things that matter. Even if someone doesn't LIKE what I say or do there's a REASON I bring something up or interact with others. I need to be UNDERSTOOD. Because of this, even if things get rocky at times, I always make things work out regardless of the situation. Through understanding them and making sure they understand me. In ALL things. If you're already having sex with others then other things matter as well. If something is lacking/absent (sexual or otherwise) and you intentionally hold back with making someone happy in other areas (for that matter, ANY area), then that's just as much of an issue as it would be with sex. Sex itself can be a sticky area when it's lacking. Due to people often not talking about it enough (or doing enough of it). Likewise the same logic applies to other areas. Neglect is neglect is neglect. Regardless of what is involved. All depends on the wants and needs of the other person. But whatever those are, look after them. And get them to look after yours.



Again, the S word. Secrets. Never under any circumstances keep secrets or lie. You keep coming back to that word and it's making me wonder why. Ask someone for details. Get them to be honest. If they're not being honest then ask why. If you don't KNOW the situation then you can't CONTROL the situation. Unfortunately people can sometimes say they don't need to know when YOU need them to be AWARE of a situation. For whatever reason. Or maybe they even fear that you'll control them. If even the desire is there then there's a reason for it. Even if you have yet to detect the reason itself. If you have concerns and trust issues with someone and you haven't found out it's any of these reasons I can only suggest that you see a professional to help you detect the answers.

Regarding the above. You probably don't even know yourself as well as you think you do. Do you know your own reasons for why you do what you do? They're always there. Most people don't even try to consider them. The past pain is often easily forgotten. People will say it doesn't matter and they don't care, but that's always an excuse. And when pushed and pressured people always contradict themselves (Yes, I'm being pushy. I value HONESTY more then hurt feelings). If for example there's "lack of interest" there's reasons for that. Ranging from "They're not trying" to "You had trust issues which caused it". etc, etc.



You're typing this. You already care. You have concerns about something if you have to even ask this. You care enough to ask. Wherever that care is positive or negative is another matter. And let's face it, if you don't care, you should. You're AFFECTED by the situation. Care for your own health and sanity if nothing else. And if you don't care about that, you have bigger problems.

Should you? Well, facts are facts. You asked. It shows you care. There's no "should" about it. You care. Reality is reality. If you don't like that reality you can attempt to change it. But if you can't, you can't. In which case find out why. Maybe you value your own sanity and the reasons for why you have trust issues. You get the idea.

Adding something else for if there's volatile situations. I know a "lack of care". I know people that have said that, or pretended you don't matter. I've BEEN that person. When people REALLY don't care they don't even waste their breath on you. They don't even ask. They don't even hate or fear. They feel NOTHING. Nothing at all. And won't even respond (although this could easily be due to fear, which in turn means they care. Important to be clear on that account). Remember this. Even negative actions are still from a source of "care". In understanding this I have even learned to love hate and fear. When controlled.

Context: People have a habit of saying they don't care when they do. Claiming one thing then contradicting themselves through actions. Before anything else first establish if you're contradicting yourself. Said contradictions aren't a bad thing in and of themselves. Denial is.

This in turn affects open relationships when people act like "You shouldn't care how I treat others". fact is, you have to care about that. You all circle back on each other indirectly if not directly. Because of topics like "Time" and "effort" and "Getting caught up with others easily due to lack of communication". Your cards have to be on the table. You have to work things out together. Or you suffer. Can speak from experience and observations on that account. Doesn't mean you have to love (or even like) the third person. Does mean transit of property. You BOTH care about the 3rd person. They care about BOTH of you.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 16, 2020

How open your relationship is, depends on the consentbif you and your partner. Everything must be agreed on and anything not discussed is limited