Best Practices for Relationships outside of Marriage

Best Practices for Relationships outside of Marriage

mature breastman • Jul 4, 2020

This is a controversial topic to many but I do want to tap into the wisdom of the community here. I am married and, for the foreseeable future, expect to remain so. There are at least a few others here that share that situation or have been in this situation in the past and those perspectives would be most valuable to me.

Sexual relationships outside of marriage are as old as humankind. What we talk about here is something that, for me at least, extends beyond just sex. And with that depth comes strong emotions. Without those emotional attachments, a relationship for me quickly loses meaning.

With that said, if someone can provide their experiences, I would be most grateful. Feel free to include what has helped you from the smallest to largest - getting a burner phone maybe? Separate e-mail account? No use of credit cards and the list goes on.

Sunshinegirl​(sub female) • Jul 4, 2020

Hi,

I can speak on behalf as the daughter of a piece of shit who was unfaithful to every wife and girlfriend he had.

If you need BDSM in your life, talk to your SO about it. Be open and honest with your wife about your needs. Hide nothing from her. Perhaps slowly introduce it to her, don’t bombard and scare her by bringing out the whips and chains on the first night. Perhaps 101 articles (many of which you can find the links here).
If you go behind her back, she will find out. Maybe not today, tomorrow, or next year, BUT SHE WILL FIND OUT. Or worse, your kids (if you have any) will find out.

it’s honestly one of the reasons I really don’t trust men at all. Cheating (even if sex isn’t involved) leaves very deep scars.

Re: Best Practices for Relationships outside of Marriage

DapperDom​(dom male) • Jul 5, 2020

If you're looking for something more than sex, best practice would be to explain very clearly to any new partners why that emotional commitment is lacking in your marriage, and how you intend not to go down the same path with them.

Someone wrote the other day that how someone treats the waiter or waitress on your first date is how they'll treat you in six months. I think there's a corollary here; how you leave your marriage is likely how you'll end any other relationships. You need to assure any future partners that fidelity won't be an issue.

I'm not saying "once a cheater, always a cheater", but it will certainly be on any partner's mind. I've been in both polyamorous and monogamous relationships, as well as relationships with married partners. Some people are simply cheating. Others are tied up in an inescapable web of complications that makes ending a marriage immediately impossible. The rings remain long after any emotion or caring has vanished in many marriages, and children further complicate matters.

As far as practical considerations, you've listed the obvious. I don't recommend deception unless you risk consequences beyond ending the marriage. A risk of bodily harm or the risk of losing a child, for example. Even if these factors are in play, being as honest and transparent as possible with all parties is really the best solution.

Relationships outside of marriage may indeed be as old as time, but so are people that value honesty and fidelity in their relationships. Tread carefully and be as kind as you can.

Bunnie • Jul 5, 2020

It’s so very tiring how many people try to rationalise or “normalise” cheating. Please don’t use our lifestyle as an umbrella for being unfaithful. It’s just so disrespectful and distasteful.

The very foundation of everything we in the BDSM community live by is honesty, trust, truth, communication, respect and consent. None of which can be achieved through cheating on a spouse.
You’re trying to make promises you’ve already broken to someone else. The irony doesn’t go past many of us. And then you ask for tips on how to do it?
Ouch.

The struggle with reading this is that you are unfortunately missing everything... which does break my heart for both you and your wife (and whoever gets drawn into the messy situation this always creates).

I will share a quote to help depict what this lifestyle means to me...

“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is 'you're safe with me'- that's intimacy.” -Taylor Jenkins Reid

I wish for you that someday you can fully experience this. Perhaps you already have the person you can experience this with. Perhaps not.
Sometimes we just need to be brave to live the life we want. Good luck.

Fallible Malleable • Jul 7, 2020

Greetings,
In your profile you state that you are mired in a sexless marriage. First, I’m truly sorry to read that. The lack of connection and intimacy and ultimately physical sex that can sometimes happen in marriages over time can be damaging, but possibly reversed and fixed in time and if both parties agree to put forth the effort. Personally, I’m not sure the same can be said about the marriage if cheating (be it physical or emotional), being deceitful, or flat out lying takes place and the other party becomes privy to it. Plus you’d have to make the decision to clue in the third party you choose to involve and as other have mentioned and it CANNOT BE STRESSED ENOUGH - to start out a kink/BDSM relationship on a less than truthful foot is NOT a step in the right direction.
You mention that you are married and plan to stay that way for the foreseeable future. Know that if you choose to take a gamble on something and it were come to light it is possible that your marriage status could change. Are you prepared to deal with that? If so, would it be better to change things prior to acting on something so as to MAYBE do less damage? I realize I don’t know the fine details between you and your spouse but in reading your post the first thing that came to mind was TALK to YOUR SPOUSE! Yes, it might be scary or nerve-wracking but don’t you owe it to the two of you to give it a shot? SHARE WITH THEM your interest and ideas but perhaps start slowly and warm them up to the idea. Share with them WHY you are interested in the things that you are interested in and why it excites you, what it would mean to you, and INVITE THEM to be a part of it and share the experiences and sensations, and take the journey WITH YOU. Then sit back and LISTEN! Could it be possible that your current sexless marriage is something your spouse isn’t happy about either? What are their worries, concerns, issues? Could you take steps to bridge things, open communication and work on that connection in the “vanilla” realm and then work toward more BDSM/kink things? Perhaps exploring something new to you both could be a much needed catalyst? It is my hope I’ve given you a few things to ponder. Be well.

Thank you for your thoughts

mature breastman • Jul 7, 2020

The sharing process you suggest started over ten years ago now. Thank you for your positive thoughts.

Re: Best Practices for Relationships outside of Marriage

Draiocht​(dom male) • Jul 8, 2020

MB, It is easy to see why many take offense to your asking for advice about 'cheating' on one's partner and that is totally understandable. What is the old saying - 'Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes' or something like that. If someone has been around long enough they know that there are numerous reasons why one can find themselves in your position.

I have been fortunate enough to have been on the other end of that equation in at least two instances. I was the one who was 'hidden'. The women were lovely people, both inside and out, but were starved for affection and sexual attention. This is more common than I realized. They each had their reasons for not wanting to leave their marriages. And as others have said, this is certainly not unique to the kink community. I think that I brought at least some joy and pleasure to their lives and reassured them that they were beautiful and desirable people.

As far as logistical advice, which is what you were actually asking for in the first place, don't watch so may spy movies, lol. No need for a burner phone. Get a second phone # with Google Voice. Use one of the free chat apps like Kik, Discord, WhatsApp, etc. Who uses email? There are stealth apps to hide other apps on your phone. Does your wife read your credit card bills? Just get one of the electronic payment apps - ApplePay, GooglePay, Zelle, etc, or a PayPal debit card.

I am truly sorry about your situation. But I understand that people's lives are complicated. Also, as others have said, be up front with any new partners. You'd be surprised how many can totally relate.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Jul 8, 2020

"Can you guys help me cheat on my wife?"

There, fixed that for you.

And the answer is "no". Either fix your marriage, or get out of it.

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Jul 8, 2020

Ok, I'm gonna answer this question a bit different from others probably and not sure who will agree or disagree but everyone can have their opinions of course. People may or may not stay married for different reasons. I can relate to your situation... However.. My husband is fully aware I am here in the cage and even is a member. He tried in the past to understand and relate to bdsm, but it simply wasn't for him. Now, we are at a place where we are still living together and married, for multiple reasons that I'm willing to Share with anyone who really wants to know me for the right reasons. As many have said.. Being open is the best policy. I read where you already said you have started the sharing process, so I assume your partner knows. Just because she knows does NOT mean she wants to be involved and know every little thing that goes on. If this is the case, I recommend simply using a chat app and being respectful of her and the people you talk to. That's all. Some may want to know everything that is going on and some may not. Pretty sure it depends on the relationship, person, and situation.

Best of luck to you.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Jul 9, 2020

The only thing I have to share at this point are questions....... You don't need to answer them for me, but you will need to know the answers for yourself....................
How do you expect to have a good relationship with someone new when you are still in the damaged one you already have? How can you expect someone new to willingly expose themselves to the insecurities that come with being "the other woman"? How can you expect your wife to deal with you in any way that is respectful and supportive of your needs when you are allowing someone else into the marriage without her full support? I assume full support is not given because you are actively asking for advice on how to hide your extra-marital actions from your wife. If she supported you in this venture, you wouldn't need to hide it, but simply be discreet. Just some food for thought.