The Dance, question to Doms (but anyone can answer)

The Dance, question to Doms (but anyone can answer)

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 19, 2020

Reading posts on The Cage, i know i am not alone in this. Thee seem to be more than a few, maybe a majority of us looking for partners than there are those with partners? Some of us, maybe for a long time... years. i know that has had effects on me, sort of molded me, affected my attitudes. i wrote another post earlier this morning about "online paranoia," and this seems related maybe, but different?

D/s is often referred to as a 'dance' of sorts, so i thought i'd run with the analogy with this. In some forms of dance, one leads and another follows. Anyone can ask another to dance with them, but still going to have those two dynamics, no matter who does the initiation or asking.

i've come to believe that some of the effects of my long term search has been to focus me, make me very aware of my own particular kinks, needs, desires. i don't typically have trouble articulating about the D/s dynamic.

my question/s revolve around how a Dom feels in the process of meeting, intiating a relationship. i know there is no one answer to this, but here may be common themes? Presumably, the Dom leads? (not talking initiation here). i'm beginning to feel and think that my articulating what i think, need, want, am looking for, can be off-putting to a Dom? If you're a Dom, do you wish a sub would wait to be asked? Do you think subs talk too much?

Let's say a sub needs/wants something in particular as part of the dynamic, how would you like them to introduce it? Or should they? Do you wish they were more subtle? Do you feel robbed of creative energy or control when a sub expresses need/desire, especially if it's a desire you have too and they beat you to it?

i'm sure i'm missing all sorts of questions here. i'm not suggesting a Dom wants a wall flower, or that that would even approach being realistic. But 'the dance' seems a delicate process sometimes, like it's way to easy to step on feet. So what are things you wish a sub knew about the dance, things they would do to free and open You as a Dom?

Bishop​(dom male) • Jul 20, 2020

From my perspective, I think the D/s aspect shouldn’t even come into play until after the two people have gotten to know each other. I want her to be herself and for me to be able to get to know her, build trust and have a good sense of respect for one another. I actually like it if the submissive takes imitative in something’s, not so much in others...but that’s after we have built a foundation. I don’t like talking very much about myself (I know, shocking) and I feel as if I’m imposing myself on someone if they don’t actively ask questions to learn about me...it shows they are truly interested. I agree it’s about a dance, a carefully choreographed dance where both parties have discussed at great length the dance steps and have worked through the song multiple times with each other.
I’m not a mind reader, although I have tried so many times to be, so if she has needs that I’m not addressing, I would love it if she brought them to my attention. The dance requires open and honest communication, just as much as it does knowing oneself and what you want deep down.
The Dom, in a big sense, needs to lead (in my opinion), but he needs to know what the submissive needs and desires...he can’t just foist his will on her at his whim.
I hope that gives you at least one opinion and answers your questions (from my point of view).

SkewerMe​(switch male){Hard CBT} • Jul 20, 2020

The sub has all the power. He or she willingly gives it up to the Dom(me). Who then artfully returns the power back to the sub, to their mutual pleasure. That, as I see it, is the fundamental dynamic.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jul 20, 2020

Life is a dance.
Vanilla relationships are a dance.

Dor the mistbpart it usually depends on who's asking, but I generally follow. In some aspects of life, as dominant as I am, sometimes I allow others to lead and sometimes i dont have the authority to lead.

Carpophorus • Jul 20, 2020

Communication is key, pride is a sin.

No one should be faulted for articulating their desires and preferences tactfully. There's a fine line between "I demand" and "I want".
No dom worth their weight in salt should be offended by a sub respectfully keeping the relationship open and honest.

Leading and following don't necessarily correlate to dominant and submissive.
Take horses for example. A herd is lead by the senior most mare but is owned by the stallion.
One can be dominant while following and submissive while leading. It's the difference between passive and active not dominant and submissive.
If a girl is pleading to be spanked it doesn't make me submissive to oblige or her dominant for having gotten what she asked for.

This is true in any capacity. One of the clearest ways I've seen it take place is in the military.
Time and rank put people with less dominant personalities in charge of people with more dominant personalities. It can get a little more messy than it needs to at times but the relationship is there. A less dominant superior interacts with more dominant subordinate exactly like you would think.
It's even more stark with females, especially officers interacting with enlisted; especially when involving the infantry (hardly any women at all in the infantry)
A female veterinary officer is technically above a male infantry sergeant. But, we all know who's really in charge there.