Confused, Mono, message?

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2020

Thank you, this is definitely something to chew on and I appreciate your point.

I really, really don't want to diminish the importance of that but also, my question was about the status labels used by those who are actively seeking relationships/sex and are saying they are monogamous. In absolutely zero of these instances have I personally encountered this concept of unsexed service.

I can't say how common or uncommon that may be (you could start a forum topic I would be curious to find out!), but can say that I haven't seen it and most of all- it isn't what I'm asking about.

I don't know how we got so tangential unless there was some massive misunderstanding about my question.

In reading many replies what is clear to me, is that 1. Many people do encounter this and "cheaters" are using this label (not all of the people using it but some), 2. People tend not to respond to these types (much like myself) and 3. There could be more labels available.

My conclusion is relatively basic: regardless of what happens with new labels, which CAGE may choose or not to do, I don't think anyone other than those who are in a monogamous relationship, not looking outside of it for sex or love, should be using this title. That's what it means.

I'm sure they will continue to do it anyway, but I just think it's really stupid!

WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) • Aug 31, 2020

Adultery does not have to be sexual in nature, any activity or relationship as long as is interferes, is toxic to, damaging to, causes neglect to , a primary (of any form of) relationship is adulterous.

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2020

I totally agree, thank you! Because this idea of unsexed service is so new to me I really hadn't formed any opinion on whether it actually does construe infidelity or not.

I think after reflection, my criterion are basically unchanged: if the partner knows about it, then it isn't cheating. If you are hiding it, they don't know, then it is at the best case dishonesty. Potentially adulterous.

His example states that it's akin to hiring a maid. Or a gardener. Which I think highlights that the partner should have no issue sharing it with their spouse/whoever. When it becomes secretive, you are concealing a desire, a fantasy, a need, or some other thing.

It's unfair to the person who doesn't know.

sardonicus87​(sadist male) • Aug 31, 2020

Well, to me (and here's part of the problem, there's no consistency in definitions), open means sex but no love, where as poly means love. Like someone in an [ethical] open relationship can have sex and date outside of their relationship, but only casually. That to me is still monogamous because there's ONE LOVE (mono = one, amory = love). That's just speaking in general. Poly and open are not the same thing, poly implies a much deeper and romantic relationship.

Also, people could be in a monogamous, non-open relationship but still be seeking other play partners (just play, no sex).

To me, that's not that complicated. Just because someone's in a monogamous relationship, doesn't mean they can't be on places like this and looking for a play partner. Playing doesn't have to include sex. Furthermore, sex doesn't have to include love.

Provided their monogamous partner knows they are looking for play partners, or if they're open... then it's not cheating.

Where things get complicated is the extreme number of ways in which a polyamorous relationship can work or be set up.

Granted, I am not saying there aren't people that are cheating, but you can't just make that assumption.

DrWakko • Aug 31, 2020

If your profile doesn’t say “I’m in an ope relationship/poly/open poly” it is safe to assume that the person is cheating. Or the big clue is “my spouse doesn’t know”.

If one cant get the message across that they are in a relationship and it’s some form of open you might not want to be with that person under the simple fact that the person has problems communicating. If you can’t communicate something that simple I hate to see the rest.

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2020

Exactly right- its all about communication.

Sardonicus I make no assumptions whatsoever. I am specifically asking about those who are using monogamy as a label but in fact are not themselves being monogamous. You suggest that play is not the same as sex but I will say again, without knowledge or consent of partner spouse it is infidelity. You seem to acknowledge this so I believe we agree.

As to how poly relationships are set up, there is a label for poly and that is the point. Again, and again...the labels available here are limited so for some subtleties you are talking about that could be improved. This is why it gets complicated.

So you say it's not complicated, and then go on to say it is.

I'm not here to get into the details of poly or anything else. I may pick apart certain aspects if you and I were talking about the concepts you outline above, but that's really besides the point.

The label monogamous relationship has a meaning. It simply doesn't make sense to use it unless the relationship is exclusively between two people. Which, when I recieve a message of interest from a Dom, is clearly not the case! Unless it explicitly states in their profile some exception.

This seems to be a consensus overall so I'm confident in that and again, I don't need to go around making assumptions about people. I don't have time or energy for it. But I think intellectually it's annoying when people use a label then clearly act outside of it.

Is it the end of the world? No. Not going to ruin my day. But annoying nonetheless.

Hisproclivity​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2020

In my experience, alot are in unhappy marriages seeking solace. If they don't list a relationship status I assume they are married. Trust your gut.

sardonicus87​(sadist male) • Aug 31, 2020

I said it wasn't complicated in general, that only the nuances of specifically POLY can get complicated.

What's simple is the difference between monogamous, monogamous open, and poly.

• Monogamous: one love, not here for a relationship (sexual or romantic)
• Monogamous open: one love, open to possibly sex but no romantic relationship (for which this site does not have an ability to list yourself)
• Poly: open to romantic relationship according to however it is they do poly (this specifically is the only complicated part).

I had my profile as monogamous and changed it to N/A because it's apparently confusing. I am in an open marriage (not poly). But based on what I read here, no matter what I say or put, a lot of people are just going to assume I am just trying to cheat and not even bother unless I put tthat I am single (but then people might assume I am looking for a romantic relationship). Because honestly, just because someone says they're in an open relationship, doesn't mean they aren't lying about it. That's why most people who are truly open are totally OK with you confirming this with their spouse/significant other. You really can't even trust someone saying that they're single.

Some people use these sites to find a full on romantic relationship with someone who is also into kink. Others use it to find play partners. I thought having myself listed as monogamous makes it clear I am not looking for a [romantic] relationship, just play (so, no dating), but apparently, some people can't separate play and a relationship or think that play and a [romantic] relationship must go hand-in-hand and refuse to play without being in a [romantic] relationship.

So if someone is listed as monogamous and messages you, they might be only interested in play, which doesn't mean they're necessarily wrong to list themselves as monogamous, because they are (Mono = one, amory = love). Even if they're in an open marriage and also want sex, they're still monogamous.

Listing as poly inherently implies the possibility of a [romantic] relationship. Some people also make other assumptions about it.

The problem I think is too many people are conflating love, sex and play with each other. These are three totally independent things that do not have to coincide at all. You can dom someone without having sex with them or being in love with them. You can dom someone and have sex with them and still be monogamous (no love for the person being dom'ed).

Though I do agree, someone should be clear if they want sex with play, or if they're in an open relationship.

shesosweet​(sub female) • Sep 1, 2020

I don't at all agree that the issue here is people conflating sex, play, and love.

What we have already agreed upon is that consent with your spouse or partner...

Mono open. Isn't it? That's what you would call it? So this is my point. That label doesn't exist on this site.

But I think if given the option, you would select mono-open.

Use whatever label you think best describes you, if you communicate with your potential interests than it really shouldnt be a problem. I do believe also...you can just leave it blank.

Whatever works for you.

shesosweet​(sub female) • Sep 1, 2020

I really personally believe that the truest fit for your situation would be open relationship.

And for those who are here to fool around on their SOs an appropriate label could be, non monogamous

Alas we do not have these options.