A little bit lost and worried

A little bit lost and worried

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 20, 2020

So, there's a section for Dominant Men and Submissive Women, there's a section for Dominant Women and Submissive Men. There's a section called "Transgenders" which isn't even a word since no one is "A Transgender"

Where am I, as an agender/nonbinary person supposed to go exactly?

Not only that but within 30 minutes of joining this page I got poked by a user who I subsequently messaged, and two or three messages in he literally said "I understand you are nonbinary but how are you genetically?"
Now I know what he was *really* asking, which was "what's in your pants?" but even then that is not how you start a conversation with anyone. The fact that trans folk are being so othered here is kind of worrying. Like, y'all know that trans men are men and trans women are women right? And that nonbinary folk aren't either? Genetically or otherwise?

Is this what I'm to expect from this group of people? Someone please reassure me because I'm on the verge of just closing my brand new account and going away

CURIOUSBRIT{OWNED} • Oct 20, 2020

Hey,

Unfortunately you will come across a couple of unpleasant people on here as you would in any other group of people.

Please give it time and I am sure you find good people on here.

ribbonbaby​(sub female){Guarded} • Oct 20, 2020

I am really sorry you were bothered by that guy. Unfortunately there are fakers, jerks, and plain old insensitive people everywhere you go, even here. But, the majority of the people on here are sweet, caring, and try to be understanding. My advice is to give it time.

Re: A little bit lost and worried

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 20, 2020

Not sure how far you would have to venture from here to find a more open minded and accepting bunch of people, but I assure you the effort isn't worth it. Yes, we have our issues at times, every group does. Yes, we get the occasional Asshat (be it Dom or Sub), but all things being equal, this is one helliuva group of people you've come across.

I have had trans folk message me, but as my individual choice is to be in a dynamic with a female sub, I've thanked them for their message, and politely declined. Not offended, just not for me is all.

Not holding myself up here as a spokesperson, or trying to act like the "Wise and powerful Yoda of BDSM" here, but I (like many I might think) am not perhaps as educated on what nonbinary means? Now that does not excuse poor or rude behavior, how you perceived (and yes, our perception is our reality) what you were asked would seem to me to be akin of replying to a personal ad here and asking "so just what are your nipples like anyway?" Or like getting a message from a sub ... "Nice profile.. hows the dick? any pictures?" Not a good practice at all.

Per your post however, the statement was worded ""I understand you are nonbinary but how are you genetically?"", now I get that you read that as "hey..what's in your pants!" And that came after a few messages back and forth as well. Could it be the other person was feeling some initial attraction to you, and for their own sake, their own search for a dynamic, was trying to decide if this was something to pursue? People are looking for what they are looking for, myself, a female Sub. A physical male, regardless of gender identification or the lack thereof, would simply not work for me personally.

At any rate, if you see a need for a new area, suggest it! The devs of the Cage are more than accommodating and willing to help in the community. As for the rest of us, keep interacting, you'll find out for yourself how unique this place is, oh ... and WELCOME to the Cage!

SteelandBone​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2020

Sorry to hear that happened to you. I'm also new to the community and have found a lot of the people here to be open minded and empathetic to a host of concerns. I also think an umbrella "Transgender" board is fucking weird. The impression I've got from the community is that no one will stop a trans woman from posting in a "woman seeking" section of the site. At least I hope not. Totally talk to the mods.

Re: A little bit lost and worried

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 21, 2020

Hold up, sorry. Are you saying that you would reject a trans woman because you're looking for a female sub? Because that's what it sounds like to me and if I'm being overly suspicious I'm sorry but I'm massively on the defensive at the moment


I don't expect people to just know. But the information is out there. If people have specific questions I'm often happy to answer but it is a lot of emotional labour to go through repeatedly. For info, I'm Agender. I don't actually identify with any genders on the gender rainbow. I'm my own human bean


I'd be impressed if he felt attraction to a half completed profile and no photos, along with a message simply saying that I'm a 33 year old nonbinary person from Kent. Since that was the extent of our interaction before he asked.
For the future information of anyone reading this, asking a trans person about their "genetics" or their "biology" is something that is never gonna get you far with them, especially when you've just started talking to them. Get to know someone first, cause if you don't connect, there's no point asking them to tell you if they have a cock or not


Tbh it feels like the whole system needs a redesign. Why does it have to be split in to gendered boards? The gender options on the application are inclusive as hell which was really encouraging but then I get in here and like, I don't fit in any of those categories and "Transgenders" is not even a word

I'm really trying here

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 21, 2020

That still doesn't help a poor agender human from feeling like they are just sitting out on the street peering in the window to where they can never go. I'm sorry for sounding self pitying but I'm having to put up with a lot right now and I really want to be here and make friends etc but it's not been a great starting experience

Re: A little bit lost and worried

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2020

1. [Hold up, sorry. Are you saying that you would reject a trans woman because you're looking for a female sub? Because that's what it sounds like to me and if I'm being overly suspicious I'm sorry but I'm massively on the defensive at the moment

2. For the future information of anyone reading this, asking a trans person about their "genetics" or their "biology" is something that is never gonna get you far with them, especially when you've just started talking to them. Get to know someone first, cause if you don't connect, there's no point asking them to tell you if they have a cock or not

3. Tbh it feels like the whole system needs a redesign. Why does it have to be split in to gendered boards? The gender options on the application are inclusive as hell which was really encouraging but then I get in here and like, I don't fit in any of those categories and "Transgenders" is not even a word

1. I am saying for me, personally, I am seeking a Female submissive ONLY. That is my right to do so, free from judgement or ridicule. period.

2. I can accept this as your personal view, but as I cannot speak for every heterosexual male dominant, nor can you truthfully speak for any other entire segment of the population. My reply was meant to try to help YOU, and you only.

3. The only metric that would justify that comment would be if the majority of the users here felt the same, and from what I have read and been a part of, they do not. Would they welcome a change that would help a segment of the community feel more a part of the whole? Of course they would. But I would not be expecting thousands of users to support a major overhaul of a system they already love.

Sidenote: transgender is not only a word, it is also used as a medical term, and there are many, many people in our community who identify as transgender, so please do not demean the term further. If there are "transgender male / female" than a common plural usage would be adding the "s"

If I can help you out at all, I will. If you are looking for an argument, or a reason to storm off into the sunset, I will take no further part in it.

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 21, 2020

1. "I am saying for me, personally, I am seeking a Female submissive ONLY. That is my right to do so, free from judgement or ridicule. period."
Yes, and I'm asking would you reject a female sub because she was trans?

2. I can speak for every trans person I've interacted with online (which is a lot) who says that asking about a trans person's genitals is a very sensitive issue and should be done with caution and only when mutual trust has been established

3. So things should only change when it affects a majority? Awesome, good to know, thanks

Sidenote: Transgender is a word "Transgenders" isn't. Read what I said. Transgender is an adjective so it can't have a plural. There's no such thing as "transgenders", because no one identifies as "a transgender". Trans folk would be a better name for the board, but again, the fact that we are shoved off in to our own little corner is a bit demeaning.

I'm not "looking for an argument" I'm looking for a place I can feel accepted, and I'm getting really mixed signals from people as to whether this is the place, though I want it to be

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2020

Sorry,
That is all I can do on this thread, I wish you good luck and success in your search