Am I cut out for this?

Am I cut out for this?

IdontknowwhereIstand • Oct 24, 2020

Hi, I'm brand new to this whole Sub/dom community.

My boyfriend wants a sub/dom relationship - he wants me to be the dom.

This whole idea freaks me out and frankly, turns me off.

I want to be with him, I want him to be happy in bed. But I don't want to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

Do you think it's possible to "learn" to like dominating someone? I don't want to be a fake. I don't want him to think I enjoy something that I don't. I just want him to be happy (isn't that the definition of a sub..?!)

How can I dominate him, when he's asking me to do it? The whole thing seems backwards and makes me wonder if I'm really cut out to even give it a try.

I don't want to tell him what to do. I want him to do what he wants, feel free & happy. I don't want to ask for what I want, it should feel natural. We should both be happy.

Can I dominate someone and it not be sexual? So that he is getting what he wants and I don't have to pretend to be turned on?

Frankly - now this may sound mean - I hope I don't offend anyone on here - but the whole idea is kind of gross to me.

I just look at him as a bit pathetic for this. I want to just say "man up and enjoy sex with me" instead of making me do all the work of telling you what to do. Have some courage, just do what feels good for you and hopefully I'll like it too. If I don't - well, maybe we aren't a good fit. But that's contradicted with the idea that he IS telling me what he wants. He wants to be dominated.... It makes me think he's not a confident person, which is unattractive to me. Knowing this about him is making me want to a. try it in hopes that we have a better relationship and b. become less attracted to him in more and more ways the more it comes up.

The other difficult thing, is he seems to expect me to just know what to do and just know how to do this. I try to ask him what he wants/expects if we were to try a sub/dom relationship and he just approaches the conversation like it's obvious saying "just dominate me sometimes". Like I know what that means..? That also makes me feel distant and like he's not willing to open up to me. In which case, why should I even do this for him.

Ok, I think I've gone on enough... Lol, sorry for so many questions. I hope someone can help bring me clarity.

Thanks for reading.

I really don't know where I stand...

Alpha Wolfe • Oct 24, 2020

That sounds like a tricky situation.
Look first things first, communication is key. In case you haven't already, talk to him about not wanting to be that way, and also not knowing what to do.
The lifestyle, whether someone wants in only in the bedroom or everyday life, isn't for everyone. He needs to know that from the sounds of it.
Let's just say maybe you do try, just to see. There's so much more to it that just "dominate me sometimes".

Here on the cage, there a several different magazines that can be quite informative as to all the little nooks and crannies of a D/s relationship. Communication, rules, limits, safewords and more and more. I'd recommend having a read of them to start if you have the time.

If you try to talk to him and he just gives you that blanket statement, be honest. "I've never had anything to do with dominating. You know this. How can you ask this of me, then when I try to learn about it and give you it, you just brush me off?". Make a point about showing him that there's more to it. That the two of you really need to sit down and discuss the whole thing.

Beyond that, as you said, you don't want to. So now let's say you just don't want to try. As you said, it grosses you out, you want it to be natural, and you don't want to do something that you're uncomfortable with. Anyone worth anything will realise you're not into it and respect that. Hard limits are not to be crossed. At the end of the day, if you say no, then that's end of story. So in this case really drive it home. "I said NO. I don't want to do this. I know you want it, but I don't. Why do you keep pushing this to me?" Make sure he know no means no.

As I was reading your post I was drafting a response in my head and it's just kinda come out all skewed and shitty. Sorry, words aren't always my forté. Anyone who is true among this site won't be offended. We all know that people learn, so they ask questions. My inbox is open, as are many others for further questions.
Best of luck

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 24, 2020

Just one persons point of view here, not purporting to be the bearer of 'truth.' With that preface....

i think you will find most of us here belief stuff like "dom" or "sub" is part of our nature, an expression of who we are, not something we just do. Personally, i think the worst thing you could do is do this because you 'love' him. Really, it seems to me that all of your answers are already woven betwixt your questions. You don't want to be "fake." Yay you!! Pretend D/s will simply result in building a pretend relationship... which is no relationship at all.

i do not know your bf, but if he is being true to himself by being open and honest, i think you need to match that and be true to your self.
best wishes.

MrFulmen • Oct 24, 2020

That sounds like a challenging situation the two of you are in. You each want to be together, and to make the other happy. You want to have a mutually satisfying sex life together, but the two of you have different turn-ons, perhaps incompatible ones. And to make things worse, neither of you is willing to be specific and upfront about what you want. He says "just dominate me" (whatever the heck that means), and you say "I don't want to ask for what I want, it should feel natural."

And that sounds like the main sticking point of your problem to me. The other questions you asked could perhaps be answered, and the possible directions you floated might work out! But it's going to be next to impossible to navigate to a mutually satisfactory sex life with both of you trying to hide what you want.

- "Do you think it's possible to "learn" to like dominating someone?"
Possibly. There are a million different ways to dominate. You have one image of what it would be like in your head, and that image freaks you out and turns you off--but perhaps there's a different version you haven't thought of yet and perhaps that different version would delight both you and your partner. You'll never know until the two of you talk specifics about what dominating him could mean.

- "I just want him to be happy (isn't that the definition of a sub..?!)"
Nope. That's the definition of a good partner. Every decent dominant I know is deeply invested in their submissives' happiness.

And I'm going to suggest that you don't "just" want him to be happy. If that was all you wanted from your sex life, then you'd just be contentedly dominating him like he asked you to. That's what would make him happy, right? There are specific things that you do and do not want in your sex life too, and you'll be able to have much more productive conversations about it if you get those things out on the table.

- "Can I dominate someone and it not be sexual?"
It's absolutely possible to dominate in non-sexual ways, and lots of people do that and enjoy it. But it doesn't really matter what works for other people. The question that matters is whether your partner would be fulfilled by non-sexual dominance. So, again, you can't answer the question until you talk specifics!

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 24, 2020

Do you even know what you mean when you say "dominating"? Do you have enough experiences and examples and tried enough varied ways to know? My first piece of advice is to make it about what you can do, not what you can't. My second piece of advice is to, ahem, "calm the fuck down". What are you even freaking out about EXACTLY? I'm betting it's "not having a clue". What's more your BF is probably freaking out too. "I want you to control me but it's hard to say why and I want you to do it in your way because I'm worried about taking away your control which might result in depression and suicidal tendencies". That could be their thought process. It's often been mine.

It's easier to take action when GIVEN actions. Sounds like you might be "waiting" for him to make moves. But what about your own?


Let me guess. You're concerned it has to translate to always being "bossy" and in "constant control" which gives the impression that things have to be a chore (it's actually been an issue with someone for me. Which is now no longer an issue with things happening). But by refusing to "inform" and giving "direction" that may be why things are a chore. Are you holding back? We're always in control. But there's also "flow". Flow might seem like a lack of control, but control can be very present with it. eg: "You let it happen". Control exists in everything we do. And if there's a lack of control then where is your choice? Just as importantly, where is THEIR choice? This might raise concerns with "decision making", but I'm about to cover that.


Yes, but you have to give to get. Reciprocation. You're not the first to have such concerns. Once people with those concerns "took action" they end up having fun with me too. Despite assuming otherwise at first. But this is based on my response/reaction. They "direct" events. I go with the flow. I might state what I want/need. We might "arrange" things. But then they "get things to happen". By "taking action" (again, control). Inaction leads to apathy. Apathy is the bane of relationships (and other events). If you need to be constantly informed before taking action (which decision making all the time may cause) then this could result in stalling. Does your BF go with the "flow" of what you do? Long as they can inform you of their wants/needs you can simply give "direction". That doesn't mean you have to constantly give orders. That said if you want something done by him then "tell" can work better then "asking" (they might stall less and ALREADY want too. Asking too often can make people panic more). It simply means you do what you want and they don't complain. Likewise I would hope you go with their "flow" when they need you too as well. Instead of stalling and assuming the worst of a situation. It's what I mean when I say "worry less, do more." Even if the first few rounds don't go well you can adapt and tailor. You might want it to be mutual but it's about what you both give and get from each other as well. One event leading to the next (quickly as well as in the long run). There's a kind of "pattern". A good part of that pattern is not chickening out and going on about how bad things are the moment things get rocky (that can be an issue. "Ducking out the moment things aren't going well before giving a chance properly"). There has to be consistency. Sometimes things have to start bad before getting good. I mean, we're talking about doing new things here. It isn't going to go perfect at the start. You have to be realistic on that account.

Example: Let's say you buy someone a gift to make them happy without deciding together. But you already know the gift is something they'll like (they made it clear beforehand. Add showing how thoughtful you are). You "control" this situation. You brought the gift. You decided what the gift is. Of your own accord. And you do it to make someone happy. The rest is a matter of "How do they make me happy" or/and "This gives them a reason to make me happy back" (mutual). You just might get yours a little later. Likewise your BF might get "rewarded" for making it about you when you made it clear you want them too (through informing/orders). Maybe you told them to do something to amuse you. Try to think of "positive" examples instead of fixating on the negatives.

If some situation is going in a direction you don't want it too for whatever reason then that's where "orders" factors in. Likewise "How to make fun happen quicker". The alternative is the situation going in a direction you don't want it too. If someone is slow tell them to speed up. Or vice versa. If someone is being too romantic and you want them to "fuck you already" then state as such. No one has to do as they're told and everyone has a choice. But if people don't listen and look after you then you'll be more bothered by that. Make your main concern "not informing". And perhaps "asking too much". If someone is always asked it can leave room for doubt. They might think "Is this ok to do or not". An "order" is more direct. "This is happening". Unless otherwise refused. Instead of thinking of "orders" think of "telling". Instructing. Informing. "Direction" is more down to WHAT you do. With the other simply going along with the "flow". eg: You might walk over to a bench but your BF joins you, unasked for but not unwelcome. Or you could STATE (not ask) "Join me if you want". Which gives a choice (the purpose of asking). More extreme examples would be pinning someone down yet casually being flirty and they flirt back despite the tension, of which would be controlled (by them as much as you. They choose not to freak out). Because if tension isn't controlled that can result in uncontrolled lashing out (from one side or the other). It might sound like that situation needs "more" control but if you do the same thing often enough it becomes more "instinct". Which is why an elite soldier won't hesitate in performing battlefield tactics (aiming, taking cover, etc). They've done it enough to have it "automated". But they can also let loose and be silly as heck and have a good time without being serious when they're not "in the moment". it's all down to case by case. What the situation calls for. Chances are you're generalizing without context. Which results in confusion leading to said freaking out.

Likewise, with D/s, like a soldier that's just been recruited you might have to stumble fall and fail 100 times before having that kind of ability. But any time you do it's something to learn from. But this doesn't just happen in D/s. It's already happening. Each time you ask, tell, even move without a word. And it's all very much about control, or the lack of ability to be in it. Or otherwise letting things happen (and this often happens without a choice being made. Can be good or bad, depending. Again, context). The last two areas with control (that comes to mind) is "lashing out" (unhealthy) and letting a bad situation happen (which can involve being lazy and difficult on purpose). That can happen because someone fears the worst. People often make their own fear through needles worrying (fear itself). When there was likely nothing to worry about in the first place. Comes back to "stalling".

So above all else, before anything else, control your "freaking out". I say it again. CONTROL that. Or it controls you. And I do not think you wan't to have the situation decided because of your lack of ability to remain calm. Either get that control or learn how. Because if you can't then you have more to worry about then your BF.

MariGold • Oct 24, 2020

Your profile reads very clearly that you do not want this, because that is literally what you stated!
I think it is very short-sighted of your partner to force you to do this if you do not want to. Only question is,
why do you even consider is, if that is not the relationship you want to have?

I get that love is blind sometimes, but I would think ahead what that would mean for you to do something
and introduce a dynamic into your life that freaks you out? You deserve better!

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 24, 2020

Read about a little more. You are confused, think about this a bit more. It deeply depends how your relationship is, if you want him deeply. I know stories that started like yours and are happy with the power exchange. You are not open now and have to decide if you give it a chance or not. It is extremely difficult for a sub to ask for this in a relationship. I would be proud of him to make this step, not matter if this might work or not. Grow together or leave... it is that easy. But don't expect someone to change into something he can't be. Your guy has the same right, don't you think so? We want what we want...

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 24, 2020

Think very carefully before you answer. Has it been proven or specifically stated that their partner is forcing them into anything with a reason for it that leaves zero room for doubt? Or are you jumping to the worst possible conclusion when you say as such?

Because if all you're doing is assuming the worst without proof the all you are doing is seeing the worst of him. It's very possible he's trying not to force anything at all and it's misinterpreted at the reverse. Did you consider that?

Here's how relationships can sometimes start. "I want my way alone. F you." But there has to be compromise. Based on what I've read it's the OP that wants to have their way more then the subs. They want to be in control. Despite the fact they have concerns about always being in control. Bit of a contradiction don't you think?

If the sub isn't given any direction/control then it's not mutual. If you TAKE that control and don't give any then it's not mutual. This tends to happen at the start of new D/s relationships. Wherever things get worked out depends on wherever those involved make it about each other or not. Before even touching on D/s the question is "Are you making it about each other". Start from there and work up. The rest tends to fall into place of its own accord.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 25, 2020

You want him to be happy, but from what you wrote he does not seem to make you too happy at more than one level: asking you to do something you don't feel like doing (be his Domme), and making himself unattractive to you.

How do you feel if you two maintain a vanilla relationship and have him seek out a pro Domme or a Domme who only wants occasional sessions without any strong emotion bond?

I really feel for you, having gone through a somewhat similar dilemma myself. Whatever you decide, please do remember you deserve to be happy, too.

Peace be the Journey • Oct 25, 2020

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

(Shakespeare, Hamlet)