Confused. S/M

Confused. S/M

Holisticwoman • Oct 25, 2020

Im a new into the community and life has been crazy as of late so I’ve not really interacted here, but here goes.

About a week ago, I played with a friend and while the scene was exactly what I wanted I am left feeling confused. He is going slow and introducing into the sexual aspects of the lifestyle. During the scene we were communicating while he was tickling me, when I didn’t answer or answer fast enough. Side note my brain was concentrated on the sensations, and I really was answering slowly lol. He would smack my ass, enough that the next day it was lovey shades of blue and purple. I found myself being a brat or “topping from the bottom” (not that they are synonymous) so that he would keeping giving me that pain as it was leading straight to my vagina.

Now to what leaves me confused. Can you like the pain and it leave you wet asking for more without being a masochist. What makes a masochist?
Everywhere I look for literature about S/M it leads to psychology today 🙄 and I’ve searched the cage and I’m not finding anything to help me understand.

MrFulmen • Oct 26, 2020

Getting wet from pain and asking for more would certainly fit most people's understanding of masochism.

What would it mean to you to think of yourself as a masochist?

Holisticwoman • Oct 26, 2020

Honestly there’s a negative connotation there for me, because of my own ignorance(I mean no malice to those who may read this). When I think of a masochist/sadist I immediately go to all of the hard core things that you can read about online. I’m just looking for someone to point me into the right direction of good literature, that I can learn about it all. Maybe I’m thinking into it too much, I just know next to nothing about it.

Hypnotist​(dom male) • Oct 26, 2020

Well, in reality there are different levels of masochism, not just the hard core stuff you seem to be encountering.

Even the act of tickling can be done in a sadistic way, and pleasure can be found from that by a masochist. Not all masochists. Everyone is different, and what arouses one masochist when pushed to an extreme may not be the same thing that arouses another masochist.

It would clearly seem as if you are masochistic in the right circumstance, when spanking is the act that is taking place. However, you may have no masochistic desires or interests when it comes to being slapped, or choked.

But, to be clear, being a masochist should hold no negative connotations whatsoever. Unless, of course, you are the judgmental type who would use the term masochist to berate someone for enjoying being slapped, and yet you see nothing wrong with the arousal you get from being spanked.

Holisticwoman • Oct 26, 2020

Thanks for your reply. It was not my intention to offend anyone with what I said. I’m just ignorant to S/M as a whole and there’s not a ton of literature that I’ve found on this site to help me with understanding. If you have found some please point me in the right direction.

Bunnie • Oct 26, 2020

I love Sadists... but I don’t consider myself a masochist. For me it’s about the connection... the fun... the creativity... the “energetic” game of a cat playing with it’s mouse... that power exchange. It’s exhilarating. I also love the story being created, the bond, the deep intimacy, the anticipation, the control over my mind as well as my body, and the challenge... both from them and from myself. It’s a place I find peace and safety. I am very fond of “overall” S&m... not just physical pain, and I think that’s why I don’t class myself as a masochist. It’s more about the interaction as a whole.

MrFulmen • Oct 26, 2020

Some books that I think are excellent:

Sensuous Magic, by Pat Califia
Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns, by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon
The New Bottoming Book, by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton

MrFulmen • Oct 26, 2020

It might be helpful to think of masochism as an activity, not as a kind of person.

It's like running (which can be pretty masochistic, tbh). People run for lots of different reasons. Some like the runner's high. Some hate running but want to get fit. Some do it as a kind of meditation that clears their minds. Some like the excuse to get out in with the sunshine and birds.

Lots of different kinds of people like running. There are funny runners and serious runners. There are liberal and conservative ones; generous ones and stingy ones. It doesn't define them as people.

Enjoying playing with pain can be the same way. It doesn't have to mean anything else about you other than that you have the capacity to eroticize some kinds of pain.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 26, 2020

Normally I'm the first to say people hide behind safe labels. But pain is pain. No ifs ands or buts about it.

Everyone enjoys SOME degree of pain really. Provided it's controlled. What AMOUNT and in what SITUATION depends on who you ask. People NEED to be hurt to avoid worse situations. "The hard truth.". Emotional. Maybe combined with a headslap from a friend to snap them out of denial and wallowing in self pity. Sometimes pain is a means to an end. A form of control. Other times you might enjoy the affection and intimacy after one thing leads to another.

Think about it. People ride rollercoasters for a reason. Though that's more fearplay. In both situations you FACE the pain or/and fear. And make the best of it. Doesn't always translate to seeking it out.

But to answer your question, as I stated earlier, pain is pain. At its core a masochist is someone that enjoys pain. This could be emotional, physical or some combination. Even being "confused in a good way" can be fun and appealing in some situations. And can very much tie in with being put in line or "forcefully toyed with". You enjoy the pain. And you seem to crave it to some degree. Pretty sure that makes you a masochist.

Holisticwoman • Oct 26, 2020

Thanks everyone for your replies, I’ve found them all to be thought inducing and gave me a perspective on how to refine my search in knowledge around the topic.