Poly is the topic

Poly is the topic

Bunnie • Dec 10, 2020

When considering entering into a polyamorous dynamic, what questions do you ask a prospective partner(s)?
What methods have you found worked well when getting a feel for it all? Speaking with and getting to know everyone involved? Just speaking with the person you’re establishing your original connection with? Do you require confirmation from all parties that it is indeed a poly dynamic?

Being asked this recently, I came up a bit blank as to what questions I found specifically relevant in the beginning. I guess mostly because I am always still randomly asking questions, and doubt that will ever change. Having known each other for quite a while before we began shifting towards anything more, I was already quite versed in going and asking Him random questions about His lifestyle anyway, so when things began progressing I think the question asking aspect was already quite seamlessly established... I just asked anything that seemed relevant. This method however, makes it difficult for me to impart any knowledge to others. So, I come here to ask those who perhaps have a more articulated or versed course of action...

MountaintopMaster • Dec 11, 2020

The key questions can be worded many different ways depending on your own personal perferences, needs, limits, etc, however, they should cover these major subjects one way or another:

1.) Do you expect something hierarchal? ("primary" vs "secondary" partners, etc. There are some great articles about this that I can't find at the moment, unfortunately. Obviously, such a dynamic often leads to issues of jealousy, or at best, the "primary "relationship always lasts longer than the "secondaries"...

2.) Do you expect to be able to impose limits on your partners that you don't have on yourself? Do you expect to have no limits for one "primary" partner, but limits for a "secondary" partner? (Spending X amount of time together, doing Y sex acts or not, making Z long-term commitments, etc.)

3.) How does BDSM or a D/s dynamic play into it? Do you want to be collared by multiple Doms, or do you want to have multiple subs, etc? (Usually, "I own you and control everything you do, especially within the kink realm" ...is very intrinsic to D/s, therefore it is not very compatible with poly, plain and simple. You might simply have to choose one lifestyle or the other, or find all-new partners within the poly lifestyle.)

4.) NO SECRETS. At the core of polyamory, in my opinion, is the implication that it is the polar opposite of an affair, cheating, etc. Not only is there openness and consent, such as with most forms of non-monogamy, but there is also actual love, friendship, or just general support between all parties involved. That doesn't always mean that every person loves every other person equally, like maybe with a throuple. It just means that there is always honesty and support between everyone involved.

As I stated in the other discussion, oftentimes people explore polyamory not because they actually have the capacity have deep, strong relationships with more than one person, but because they're not getting what they want out of an existing relationship. And that's a recipe for breakup, especially if what YOU are not getting in one relationship is actually what the OTHER person in that relationship DOES also want.

For example, on one end of the spectrum, if you're in a LTR that has gone totally cold through the mutual lack of effort by both parties, you probably need to fix that, NOT just go looking elsewhere for another, more meaningful relationship. Or, say your LTR is totally vanilla, and you want kinky sex, but your partner does not. Even though the vanilla partner doesn't care about kink, they are sure as hell going to care if you start doing kinky sex stuff with someone else. No matter how boring the vanilla sex is to you, it might be their whole world, and telling them that it's not enough will crush them and eventually end the relationship.

As an opposite example, if you're in a LTR with kink and D/s already involved, you may very well have a few kinks that just don't align. (Google "When kinks don't align - LovingBDSM podcast" for starters!) In this situation, it might be a lot easier for you to build a relationship with another partner who only likes to indulge in that one obscure kink.

Curious to hear others' thoughts on how the D/s and polyamory worlds collide. It's often not pretty, so, proceed with caution folks!

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Dec 11, 2020

You know Bunnie- clearly I’ve been thinking about this a great deal lately. I’ve been in two very long term( to my mind longer than one year - maximum of 3) and one a few mths shy of a year.
The only thing they all had in common is that it wasn’t until hindsight that I had the clarity I truly needed. I know that’s cliche.. trite, but I say it because there are just so many ways to ‘poly,’ and they often get muddied or take different paths along the way.
What might’ve been discussed day one, day 25, day 378 was NOT being observed in action( which is always the planting of an initial, smaller type red spark let’s say( rather than flag) for me. I say ‘smaller’ bc I try to account for the fact that people and life are fluid causing perpetual change, so I always need to assess the reasons why the actions I’m observing may not match up with verbal conversations... even agreements had/made.
Of course- repetitive incongruous behavior changes that red spark into a flag that cannot be ignored by me. Even more important still- at that point- is the way my partner handles the situation I have concerns about.
Sometimes two people get together at a time when each are completely single and this gives them a freedom ( from the consideration of anyone else’s feelings at that point) so that they can create boundaries, rules etc that are totally right for them.
What to do when one or both partners meet someone new? NRE is powerful, and I have seen it destroy older relationships that were maybe limping along anyhow, or in other cases, strengthen the initial relationship as it is tested. Before I ever agreed to try poly my biggest fears were the endless variables that would inevitably present.
Yes communication, honesty these things are just as important as in any other kind of relationship, but even with those things solidly in place- no two relationships are the same, and some are so different from each other that ‘management’ looks out impossible sometimes.
Personally I prefer to have some sort of basic, at least, relationship with my metamours. At the very least- acknowledging mutual respect and a mutual desire to make our mutual( for the sake of this writing I’ll say Dom) as happy as we can. To do this though we must also see each other as whole people deserving of happiness, respect and privacy. I personally do not expect all parties to have the same breadth and scope of feeling for each other, or the same type, or with the same rules.
For me then- I either prefer all or nothing. Either we are all involved( not necessarily meaning sexually) or beyond that aforementioned acknowledgment- we are not at all.
It’s when things go against the grain- say your paramour shares private information they were asked to never to do,, or the boundaries another couple share are being forced on you rather than tailored to your specific energy with that person- Thats when things get messy.
I’m sure everything I’ve written sounds a bit convoluted- but polyamory IS NOT SIMPLE.
I’ll say that after three unsuccessful attempts.. well 2- one was based on relocation- I still believe with the right people it can work- even WITH an occasional misrepresentation! But I think also it can NEVER work if the people involved are not honest with themselves, or lack in self-esteem and deep insecurities of loss.

Bunnie • Dec 11, 2020

These are both such great responses, thank you both. There are so many important points here that I want to reflect on and respond to, I don’t know where to start! Lol. So, I’m just gonna sit on this for a bit (hopefully coffee will help ).

poly

Sir Don​(dom male){N/A} • Dec 11, 2020

HI Bunnie,
I / We are not poly ,but my opinion is I think you approach it somewhat the same as any other dynamic.
what do you want? do you want in person or on line only? what role do you want to be in? i think every situation is different.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2020

Ah, Bunnie...

Recently, a friend has been educating me about poly. I had declined to engage in that type of relationship the few times I was presented with it, one of which (read: whom) I still think about, because I was ignorant of what it all was. As far as I knew I had never done it before, nor would I likely ever.

Turns out I had already done. The most cliché, diet poly, poly-lite, obvious poly a Dom can do - multiple subs.

As I have been learning more about it I have become more and more interested. Not necessarily in trying it; not necessarily soon anyway. But to your question, here are my concerns:

I can be very territorial so I can't imagine being 100% fine with my sub going off to be with her other Dom(s).
And jealousy? Yeah, I don't feel that emotion. Nah, I'm above such base instincts. I am a Domly Dom and I do not trifle with such silliness as jealousy!

Bullshit. I would definitely have those nagging little "but, am I not as 'good' as him/her?" kinda things. Absolutely.

As to the issue of hierarchy. The groupthink mentality. Liking/disliking/ignoring/spending time with/being (un)aware of metamours. Ugh there seems to be so much to juggle. And so much to have to trust.
See, I figure that just like any other relationship there must be honesty - but mustn't there also be some privacy? Or what passes for that in a dynamic which necessarily extends beyond "just we two?"

I am very open to learning more, perhaps even trying it. It would certainly make the conversation about "How can you be a Daddy and a Sadist at the same time?" much more interesting. And I get that one all the time.

So what questions about polyamory would I want to ask a prospective partner? Every single thing I can think of, about everybody. I'd be that guy.

One thing I'm already pretty sure about - If my (theoretical) sub said to me "hey, so there's this whole poly thing we should try..." I would feel a sudden rush of WTF?! coming on. Yes, there is still much for me to learn.

side note: I have occasionally wondered about the "6 degrees of poly bacon" phenomenon whereby one of us over here gets involved with one of us on a separate tangent over there, many times removed. Does that ever happen?
(I've never actually heard that term before. I just thought it was funny.)

MountaintopMaster • Dec 11, 2020

And rightly so, because that is likely exactly what they would probably be thinking/feeling: that you aren't enough for them, or good enough, and so they need more than what you can offer.

Bullshit, indeed. Because if they find what they're looking for somewhere else, the relationship/dynamic with you will eventually wither and die.

That is why it definitely all comes down to WHY you are looking.

Are you greedy, and you just want more of the same? Probably not gonna work for long, usually just devolves into what we'd call cheating.

Are you unhappy, and you just want something better/different? Probably not gonna work for long, you're just chicken to end relationship #1.

Or, do you just feel like a 10,000 piece puzzle, and it really does take 2-3 different people to keep you put together?

Bunnie • Dec 13, 2020

Just wanted to share this...

https://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html

Bunnie • Dec 13, 2020

@ MountaintopMaster,

Awesome questions to put forward, thank you. They feel like a really good grounds for opening up discussion around it all.

Absolutely agree with this
“but because they're not getting what they want out of an existing relationship.”

Yep... been dragged into that one. Definitely not a nice experience. This actually created a bit of a reluctance for me to enter into a newly “opened” poly situation. There are so many pitfalls to overcome and so many teething wrinkles to iron out. Being the first person either partner has dated makes things all rather “land mine-y.” Given that I was new to the experience too, was a bit of a recipe for disaster lol.


@ AzrieldaPuss,

I found myself nodding along with a lot of what you say here. And this really stood out...

“It’s when things go against the grain- say your paramour shares private information they were asked to never to do”...

this was my first experience with recognising a dealbreaker for me. I believe strongly in the saying... “listen closely to how someone talks about others to you, because that’s how they talk about you to others.” This came up with my first experience/attempt with poly, on our first meet, and I explained that I wasn’t ok with hearing such personal information about his significant others (or anyone). He didn’t understand but agreed to respect that. In hindsight, I should have realised that it was the fact that he didn’t understand that should’ve been my concern. Someone can’t respect an agreement if they don’t understand what they’re respecting... or therefore agreeing to. Lack of communication also.


I think something that is often overlooked in the poly situation is that it’s *more than one relationship* trying to form into a large synchronised conglomerate. Everything is amplified. So if you can’t do one-on-one well, it’s likely you won’t do many-on-one well, because as I’ve said many times, this relationship dynamic lays your shit bare. Jealous? You need to share that. Scared? You need to share that. Hurt? You need to share that. What may seem like a pebble in your sock, between two people, can be a boulder on the path, with more than two involved.


To give a picture of *one* way in which these types of relationships may show up, I have been given permission to share how our dynamic looks. For context, He and I are not in-person as of yet. He and His alpha girl were, however, she is no longer in the dynamic (hence the use of past tense). Also I believe it’s worth mentioning that I do not have other partners... so do not consider myself to be poly, even though I’m in a poly relationship.

Master is the Head of Household. He has final say in everything... girls included. There is an alpha slave and a beta slave. When I came into our “family,” I came in as second girl (beta) to His first girl (alpha). These are our positions, and that will never change. I am a beta slave in His household. He took many, many aspects into consideration when deciding on how us girls would fit together... much thought and deliberation went into how we would come together as a unit, how our personalities would mesh, how well we would adjust etc etc. l can’t speak for Him or His methods, but that’s just a rough idea at how much thought can go into trying to form the type of household we all seek. Both of us girls each had our role and it was very clearly defined. We both knew our place. For some that may seem unacceptable, however for someone like me it brings much comfort.

Our focus was always Him. Part of that was for us to get to know each other and work towards forming a friendship. The goal always was to become a cohesive unit in our dedication to our Master. He had no expectations of how He wanted us to bond, and He allowed us the freedom to do it at our own pace and in our own way. I can see now how well He matched us. But that took a long time for me to even see, let alone understand. All He kept asking me to do was to trust Him. And that’s all I could do until I finally began understanding all of the inner workings. In a lot of ways it seems it requires a great deal more time to develop a poly dynamic compared to one-on-one, simply because the more people involved, the more the complexity. It has been said that adding M/s to that mix as well, brings in a whole different layer. I can’t speak as to how that differs though, because I know no different.

I came in to an already established M/s dynamic of one year. Neither of us girls had experienced being in a situation quite like this (I had had a few rather random and somewhat disastrous, at times, past attempts). Our past didn’t matter though, we each decided we were willing to try... so we did. Jealousy was something that came up early. Also fear around not being enough, or being abandoned. We both had our different demons and fears to contend with also, because our experiences were slightly different. My jealousy stemmed from envying a bond that I simply didn’t and couldn’t have at this time. His other girl’s jealousy stemmed from a place of this new intruder interfering in their already established bond. So in a lot of ways we experienced the same things, just on different sides of the same coin. In all of this, the most important thing for us was Master. He needed to be an immovable (constant and stable) force in our lives... and He was. For both of us. Seamlessly.

Although our system was put in place with very strict boundaries... our individual relationship amongst each other was on an individual basis. Master’s relationship with His alpha was very much their own, and it was never discussed between He and i unless there were aspects that I needed to know. And vice versa. If she and I wanted to discuss anything between us, we had that same freedom, within reason of course... I’m pretty sure there would’ve been consequences for plotting to put sparkly beads in His beard

I think the thing that works best for me, is clarity. Having things as clearly defined as possible. Of course there will always be areas that come up that aren’t clearly defined, and that’s when discussion needs to take place. Sifting through the fears of everything simply brings us to a place of feeling safe and secure enough to discuss anything and everything.
I don’t want it to seem like we haven’t had to work hard to be where we are, nor that we’re at the place we’d like to be. There are still many hurdles to overcome, and I’ve come to learn that this is simply an ongoing thing, and that that’s ok. If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that there are people who truly do choose to relationship with mindfulness regardless of how the dynamic looks. With that can come a freedom to feel safe despite what may seem like contradictory circumstances. Every hurdle is a moment where you can all come together to support each other and work out how this can strengthen a previously unrecognised weakness in your foundation. Your dynamic may not look like ours, however I think that aspect there is the basis, regardless of what things look like.

I’m open to answering questions (within reason and the boundaries of what I’m allowed to divulge) about our dynamic should anyone have any.

Now to the main focus of this post, some questions I would think to ask nowadays...

What is their definition of poly, and how do they see that playing out in every day life?

Have they experienced being poly in the past?
What worked for themselves?
What didn’t work for themselves?
What worked for the others involved?
What didn’t work for the others involved?
Why did past relationships end?

How well are they with time and organisation?
How will that look in the context of relationships within the dynamic?

What system is there in place for questions or worries or fears to be discussed?

What relationship is *expected* between those not directly intimate?
What relationship is *hoped* for?

What are the boundaries of everyone involved?

What are the dealbreakers?


No doubt there will be more that come to mind. I will add more if/when they do. Hope this helps

Miki • Dec 13, 2020

I am poly. I do not need to write a book to justify my sexuality.