DomF(dom male)
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4 years ago •
Nov 3, 2020
Adjusting after breakup
I have read about loss and pitfalls to avoid after a relationship ends. It's universal but somehow hard to explain when a kink relationship ends. The emotional loss is familiar but the depth of some relationships would be a difficult bridge for most vanilla observers to cross.
The real question is not about the loss but, the need to feel needed.... She moved out over a year ago. I married my collared sub/middle/slut. She moved in and the dynamic changed.... When she left, I no longer had this part of my daily life. No more updates, and timed response to be graded. No more over sight on time spent/better choices. No more helping in any way....this void became an echo... Vanilla relationships are not good enough to stop this echo.. But rushing into red flags and compromise, is not how to grow from this. For the most part what I have read is from a submissives point of view. So, other Doms, ever noticed this void after a breakup? I tried promiscuous behavior in the past but chose to change this pattern( pick up play never helped that void either) and use this as an opportunity to grow. Focused on calming my thoughts and meditation. In life, I notice the bumps but I never notice it's a cliff until I miss the rebound.... I leave it open for discussion, subs please give the "ying" to this " yang" your feels are paramount in any dynamic , as a Dominant I appreciate all feedback and thank you all for giving me this outlet. |
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Online now
SubtleHush(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 3, 2020
While the loss for Dominants/Tops/Masters may be different, we are all in this void at the end of a relationship. I believe there is a level of vulnerability that develops for us in a relationship that really leaves the gates open when it ends. You were vulnerable to each other, and as it takes time to get there, it takes time to shut it down.
It isn't so much needing to be needed again as it is needing to feel that degree of need/response again. That, isn't possible yet. First you have to deal with and wait out this pain. No different than cutting your arm. It will transition from serious pain, to slowly healing, to just a little tenderness. There is no rushing through it or distracting yourself from it. That is actually the gift. With each failure you suffer. With each experience of suffering, you learn and decide that if you don't want to suffer like this each time, you will choose-act-think differently. It is always hard and we all struggle through it. It's why I decline newbies. They haven't lost enough, or given up enough, or suffered enough to know incredible when they find it. We appreciate things more when we know this suffering. You will too. So forgive yourself and her for this ending and know that in time, you will try again, open the gates of vulnerability again and perhaps succeed in part because of what you learned now. Hang in there. Hush |
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Miki(masochist female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 3, 2020
Re: Adjusting after breakup DomF wrote: I have read about loss and pitfalls to avoid after a relationship ends. It's universal but somehow hard to explain when a kink relationship ends. The emotional loss is familiar but the depth of some relationships would be a difficult bridge for most vanilla observers to cross.
The real question is not about the loss but, the need to feel needed.... She moved out over a year ago. I married my collared sub/middle/slut. She moved in and the dynamic changed.... When she left, I no longer had this part of my daily life. No more updates, and timed response to be graded. No more over sight on time spent/better choices. No more helping in any way....this void became an echo... Vanilla relationships are not good enough to stop this echo.. But rushing into red flags and compromise, is not how to grow from this. For the most part what I have read is from a submissives point of view. So, other Doms, ever noticed this void after a breakup? I tried promiscuous behavior in the past but chose to change this pattern( pick up play never helped that void either) and use this as an opportunity to grow. Focused on calming my thoughts and meditation. In life, I notice the bumps but I never notice it's a cliff until I miss the rebound.... I leave it open for discussion, subs please give the "ying" to this " yang" your feels are paramount in any dynamic , as a Dominant I appreciate all feedback and thank you all for giving me this outlet. Oooo that smarts. Sorry to read that, fella. Alas breakups are what one risks when going all-in on a relationship and are difficult to avoid. Some manage to click with "the right one" and can live Slappily Ever After but that's the exception not the rule. My advice differs from no other. The void sucks, literally and emotionally and you're on the right track by not jumping into something to fill it quickly. It seldom works out to mutual satisfaction and, well, if you try that route with a snoot-full, you'll likely find yourself waking up next to something you would normally want to scrape off the sole of your shoe. Time does heal albeit not completely for quite a while. Then there's "Once Bitten Twice Shy" My crappy advice is this. Take your time, let the void fade from significance ever so gradually and try again. You're one up on me. You are experiencing and learning from it while I'd rather pass. Hence I don't do relationships. Call it a heaping, steaming bowl of chicken shit but I'm already a Depression patient, I don't need any help, so by not doing relationships I'll never experience a breakup. My 2 cents. |
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DomF(dom male)
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4 years ago •
Nov 4, 2020
Thank you hush. Sound and sage advice.... I've been given a lesson on this and plan to use it
miki, 2 cents are always welcomed. This is my 2nd marriage and none the easier. Hedonistic wanderlust was how I rebounded from #1 and it was fun...but needing more was how #2 happened. Thank you both for the kind thoughts. |
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Notely
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4 years ago •
Nov 6, 2020
Forgive forget and move in to the present moment put your mind set not really looking but work on focusing on other things keeping yourself busy recover do inner work.
Don't get attached to the past you have to get attached to your present moment. Look on the mirror tell yourself in your mind and out load time to move on with yourself. |
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Miki(masochist female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 6, 2020
Now that is actual sage advice and not snippets from my mostly empty head. Yes move on from the past but remember its lessons... first and foremost, don't be a bear for punishment. Avoid rebound.
If it's wanderlust and need, those can be addressed without deep commitment. Not easily but out there somewhere is a woman (besides me) who is just as "hungry" but not in any need of a committed relationship. Wanderlust aside it takes patience and more than a bit of luck to find a relationship that actually works. Fast is not best. For guys, it's way too damned easy to wander too far to where there are fast women and slow horses about (and cheap Fireball or Mad Dog 2020 to drink by the jug) |
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DomF(dom male)
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4 years ago •
Nov 6, 2020
miki thank you , I tried to "not get hurt" only to find someone avoiding pain more than me. I am setting new patterns and avoiding easy mistakes.
smittenvintage, mindfulness and letting go has helped me with forgiveness. It's not that I don't know how to forgive, it's the part where I own my end and still let it go. So much easier to just blame the other person and avoid looking at one self... So thank you for helping me look at that as well. |
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