My Recent, Very Disappointing D/s Experience

My Recent, Very Disappointing D/s Experience

Fernweh​(sub female) • Nov 28, 2020

Warning: I understand that this might be an overshare. My grandmother always told me: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” The reason I am posting this is because I am looking for an experience exchange from other Dominants/submissives.
A few months ago, a man wrote to me on Fetlife and while I liked what he said, I was not sure where this would go. We spoke a few weeks before the initial meeting and, for the most part, I liked getting to know him. I also thought he was attractive and I am not attracted to many men physically as well as mentally.

I met up with him a few times and he started to “grow on me”. Eventually, we became intimate and on the first time he expressed himself by saying “I really like you”, “I want to make you mine”, “You belong to me”, “We need something permanent for your neck”, etc. I thought it was VERY quick, but I liked spending time with him in every way. And I liked hearing what he said although I thought it was way too soon.

On a Thursday, I remember, he told me he’d stop by after work. He never came and didn’t cancel either. Furthermore, he didn’t contact me until the following Sunday as “he was away with work.” His communication became sporadic, I became upset, which was clear in my communication, and eventually asked him if he would be open to meeting me in person to discuss. He didn’t say anything for a week until I texted him that I missed him. He then said he would come over on a Saturday and stood me up again. The next day he expressed that he fell asleep and came over on Sunday.

I explained that I simply only ask for consistency, attention, communication, time, respect, and honesty. I asked to not be ignored, disregarded, and stood up. I also expressed that I am looking for someone that's real and has good intentions and if that's not him, I asked him to please tell me so. It’s okay for him to not match what I’m looking for and vica versa. I just would like to know.

Side note: In my head, I also thought it was weird that he set rules for me but didn’t care if I did the task or not. With him disappearing I couldn’t have done what I should have as I rarely heard from him or communicated with him.

There wasn't much of a response aside from "got it" and the very next day the same thing happened again. He texted me the day after he came by, I texted back, and then I haven’t heard from him in two weeks until I wrote him on a different platform. He said he called me, but I never responded and “he thought I was busy with work”. I guess “something” with his phone was wrong as he experienced the same issue with his parents. However, he could have contacted me on Whats App, Kik, Fetlife, and he knows where I live. If the person I’m seeing doesn’t hear from me in a day there’s something wrong.

I already expressed how triggering it is for me if someone is inconsistent, doesn’t communicate, and ignores me. To me, that’s a feeling of blatant disregard and I am having trouble dealing with that kind of thing.

He also pointed out that his friend saw my profile/ad's on "The Cage". I have gotten tired of changing my relationship status on platforms because I wasn't sure where I was at with him at all.

He expects instant responses if he wants to know something but when I am asking to communicate he either says: “I see you’re mad - that wasn’t my intention.”, “I’m not playing with you”, or “I’m not ignoring you” then GOES RIGHT BACK to ignoring me. I got so upset that I said things I shouldn’t have said. I haven’t heard from him since.

The person I saw when we were first talking and who I am seeing now appear fundamentally different to me. I’m wondering “What did I do wrong?” and I asked him a few times, and he said, “You didn’t do anything wrong”.

All my prior D/s experiences were different than the one I described above.

All Dom’s I was previously with had leadership skills. They wanted to take on responsibility for me and I wanted to follow their lead. The men looked out for me, and what’s in my best interest before looking out for them. I appreciated the level of selflessness but never asked for it. Structure and stability were always provided and I needed that. Effective communication: Communication styles and needs were identified and both parties adjusted to one another. I’ve received guidance and motivation and I always felt that they were genuinely trying to figure out what I needed to be happy. The Dom’s cared about my stressors and my daily lives which ultimately led to me being able to count on them. I fully trusted them and they elevated my life.
I just couldn’t trust him, yet, I am sad that it didn’t work out. It’s a contradiction in itself I am unfamiliar with.

This experience was so different, and I am genuinely struggling, and having trouble “to deal”.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Nov 28, 2020

Sadly you’re describing a situation many of us have experienced more on the regular than should happen. So many of these men think they know what it is to be a Dom but then reality hits them and suddenly it’s not the fantasy they imagined.

I am sorry you experienced this but you’re not alone in it!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 28, 2020

LaVieEnRose said it best. Many of us have been through this. I think it boils down to a few things

In this modern day people are seldom unable to call or text. It's an excuse. Maybe he is working a few women, or is married. Whatever it is he has shown you how he treats people he is supposed to value. You have to accept that as the total answer. We often don't want to be right when we have every reason to believe we are being played, but trust your gut and trust yourself.

Some start with an exit strategy, They know they aren't enough. They know eventually you'll figure that out. So they try to get as much as they can, by saying all the right things and then they move on to the next.

It wouldn't matter how great you are. Or how perfect your submission. It really boils down to pearls before swine.

If you are clear in how you wish to be treated, I would suggest you not let him get into your head (or pants) until some time has passed and you are more sure of him. (any him) It's tough I know since we all have needs. But time is the answer to most things. In other words, save your pearls for the one who knows they are precious. It is much harder than the fantasy, but fantasies are fleeting.

You deserve something more worthwhile.

Such as the one who is authentic in their interest in you and will wait. They will show you the man first and not the Dom to distract you. And when things at work go wrong, they will let you know. They, in other words, give as much as they expect from you.

It hurts, I know, but hang in there. Don't wait for him to make another pass and new promises. You decide what is best for you. Those who string women along thrive on it. I think you know that you deserve better. And you will find it in time.

Hang in there.
H*

CoffeeDom​(dom male) • Nov 28, 2020

I think SubtleHush and LaVieEnRose have made some great points. I'll just add that the timing seems to jive with when "NRE" (new relationship energy) has begun to wear off. All the new and exciting was gone and he was left with a real relationship that required some real effort to meet his partner's needs. He obviously wasn't up for the task. I wouldn't read too much into it beyond that unless you think there is still hope. It's enough to know that something doesn't work. Sometimes trying to figure out why is just wasted effort.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 28, 2020

In your post is something that's been a common theme for ages. You both "became intimate".

Not all dudes are like this, but enough of them so as to make it a common problem.

He said and did what was necessary to get in your pants and get his rocks off.

Lots of these "Poke 'em and Smoke 'em" types can't stomach the inevitable earful they'll get if go to break it off after they get their roll in the sheets, instead they say things like "I'll call you." "I'll stop by tomorrow."

Those two are cliché enough to make it into occasionally campy "Coming Of Age" movies. It applies to BDSM, vanilla, and everything in between.

I am sorry you got hurt. Live N learn.. Hold back the candy until a guy is either willing to invest himself in the "store" or give up and run away. In the case of the latter, you will have lost nothing except, perhaps, time.

Move on. He has.

MountaintopMaster • Nov 29, 2020

Yeah, bottom line, let me reassure the women/subs out there- if he/your dom really is interested in you, cares about you, etc. ...then this will NOT be your experience.

I've been married for a decade and I still love love love giving my wife (my sub) as much attention as I possibly can. I have freaking Aspergers and good communication is extremely difficult for me, but I try as hard as I can and never stop learning new ways to let her know she is loved and appreciated, (and that I still absolutely crave pounding her into the floor even after 10+ years) ...because I understand (as best I can) what she wants, needs, and deserves.

I'm sorry to hear that you or anyone else is having these types of experiences because it really is true that men/Doms should never stop wanting to give you exactly what you crave, because they know damn well they're not going to get what they want without keeping you satisfied too. Bottom line- if the emotional investment doesn't feel mutual, that's not D/s, that's crappy human behavior.

If this happens, it's a huge sign there's a much bigger priority in their life, whether it's another person/submissive, or it's just life in general. If you feel like you're only getting 10% and not 100% from them, then do feel free to walk away, and do feel free to "say some things you shouldn't have said"; they probably need to hear it...