What's YOUR balance of the sexual VS everyday, for improving both D/s headspace?

What's YOUR balance of the sexual VS everyday, for improving

MountaintopMaster • Nov 29, 2020

Is your D/s partner also your life partner/spouse? (or any long-term/cohabitating relationship, really)

I'm curious to hear what is a good balance of rules/limits/rituals when it comes to the sexy kinky stuff versus the everyday....chores and other stuff.

Personally, when I first got into D/s, (with my wife of 10+ years) the stereotypical stuff popped up in my online research--make me coffee in the morning, bring me a beer after work... None of that stuff seemed kinky or exciting, so I pretty much unilaterally kept doing my "everyday stuff" myself. I wanted to still feel like I am my own man and I can take care of myself, etc. I didn't feel any strong desires beyond ONLY "giving orders" that pertained to sexual/kinky activity.

I soon realized that just like every big commitment we make as human beings, if you're not all-in, you might be missing the richest experience.

So, I've already heard the advice, "just do whatever feels good and right for you! Everybody is different, there's no 'wrong' way to do this..." ...but what I'd really like is to hear specific examples of daily activities that aren't just rituals for the sake of having rituals, but things that actually help us both get something out of it, like daily meditation, exercise, or overall health/hygiene. Anything that you (Subs) find really helps you drop into a healthy, beneficial mindset?

(BTW, I don't mean to scoff at any ritual that YOU truly enjoy, whether it's good coffee or cold beer, please, enjoy! If it means something to you, then it's automatically NOT "just a ritual for the sake of having one" of course! And hey, if literally everybody says I'm approaching this totally wrong, I'm ready to change! I like dominance, not being a closed-minded jerk.)

Moving on, alternately, what things are on the fence between sexual and everyday life, besides the typical "keep yourself clean/shaved" etc, and more along the lines of, "go walk the dogs with your biggest plug in, or, "leave your collar on when you go grab coffee with your BFFs who also understand the lifestyle..."

Then, how do you (Doms) handle things if they aren't followed? Is it normal to only ever give a spanking or something else kinky for not doing an everyday "mundane" tasks, or does "punishment" sometimes carry over back into everyday life? I'm just not sure about being the Dom who says, "you didn't text me to let me know you safely arrived to XYZ after a long drive, and I got a little worried, ...so now you have to do the dishes." (In other words, got any examples of "punishments" that fit the "crime"?)

Thoughts? I'm an over-thinker, (ADHD) and I hyper-focus on every single detail (aspergers) ...so I could really use some of your own stories/ideas about "everyday" simple (or complex, I suppose) things that really helps you and your life partner grow as individuals but also deepen/expand the kinky experiences, too.

Thanks in advance...

Redfoxmask​(dom male) • Nov 29, 2020

Hey Mountain,

like you I have wanted answers to those same questions, I am curious what other do as well.

Dai and charlie • Nov 29, 2020

Daí - Hello, My sub and I stumbled across your post and figure we could try to chip in. I will start off by saying that most peoples BDSM experience is largely subjective, it is very much down to the individuals in a dynamic to decide what feels right and reasonable to them, as well as how it is implemented. For example, Myself and charlie (My sub) follow a 24/7 dynamic (M/s specifically) and as such I view it in terms of sexual expectations, as well as domstic/public expectations. These two "categories" if you will are largely independent, though they do combine in some aspects (what clothing she wears, how she addresses me in public as well as punishments for breach of established parameters/expectations.

Punishment can be effectively whatever you have decided between you to be acceptable, I personally prefer a proportionate approach, a slap for minor breaches (increasing in severity dependent on extent of breach) ranging to withdrawal of certain priveleges all the way up to the wonders of the vampire paddle! But again this should be negotiated, researched and agreed.

The main thing to remember, is that you are both happy, emtionally fulfilled and comfortable. BDSM should enhance your lifestyle, not necessarily dictate what it *should* be. So while I have a slave who is willing to do most things I ask of her, I accept there will be times she is unwilling/unable, accordingly I "pause" the dynamic until such a time as she feels up to resuming her duties. Wellbeing is key here, for both people. For example, being a diabetic has meant there have been times where she has actually told me to do things in the interests of my health. Does that make me less of a Master, or her less of a slave? No. Its simply two people, living a lifstyle that suits and has been tailored to our individual tastes and needs.

I will permit charlie to give examples of 'rituals' that I expect of her:

charlie - so, "rituals" again mean different things to different people and there's a huge variety of things that could be covered here. Even for individuals it can vary.
The first one we have is the collar. Master has purchased me a day collar that I wear at all times (except at work). Only He or i may touch the collar, and only He may remove it. We also have a play collar on order that i'll wear around the house once it arrives.
i also have a "uniform" that Master expects me to wear around the house, and not doing so (unless it's with his permission) will result in punishment.

For me, aside from the obvious sexual services, i also look to assist Master in other ways too. For example, He may ask me to do something simple like fetch a drink or an item from another room. I also try to pre-empt his needs so that i can provide these things before he needs to ask (still a work in progress that one). other things like rolling him a cigarette when i know he's going to want one, or giving him a massage at the end of a long day. Whilst these things are not in themselves sexual (and will not appear out of place to any visiting friends/family), to me they are another way i can serve and please Master, and make His life a little easier and more enjoyable.

Master also mentioned his diabetes earlier. This is something else that i would consider a ritual - looking after His health and wellbeing, just as He does mine. If i'm concerned about his health, i sometimes go into "nurse mode" until i'm happy he's well. In these situations, Master allows me to take a more brusque (though obviously still polite and respectful) approach to ensure He is looked after properly. Similarly, if Master has important decisions to be made i may offer my thoughts or advice if he permits. As He said earlier, whilst He is the Master and i the slave, these are "dynamic" roles which may alter and change depending on circumstances and our needs as a unit at the time. There may be times that i may need to take the lead, despite my willingness to give up my control to Master.


As Master mentioned earlier, it's "different strokes for different folks" and there is no one size fits all. i have lost count of the times i've been told i'm "not submissive" because i refuse to be a doormat for an instadom, or because i won't help a random guy on the internet fill up his wank bank. There is no "cookie cutter" shape that makes someone a "true" D-type or s-type, as some (usually ill-informed, predatory, arseholes) would have newbies believe. We often comment within our dynamic that it's unconventional, Master has been told in the past that He isn't a "true Dom" because of xyz (He sometimes cooks me dinner, the horror! D/s as we know it will crumble because He treats me well!). It's a case of what works for you, and your partner. Communicate, communicate, and communicate some more. Master checks in with me regularly that i'm happy with our dynamic and the rules we have in place; if there were something i was struggling with, or that i was unhappy about, it is my responsibility to ensure i communicate this with Him just as much as it's His responsibility to check in with me.

As long as all participants are happy, healthy, and feel fulfilled within their roles...it doesn't matter what your dynamic looks like to an outsider.

MountaintopMaster • Nov 29, 2020

Thank you both for this in-depth reply! It's exactly the personal story I was hoping for.

I suppose these two specific things you said reminds me of some of the complexities in my own dynamic--I neglected to mention that for the majority of our relationship, 1.) her around-the-house attire has already been zero clothes whatsoever since day one of our living together, which I love, and, 2.) She has actually been the highly dominant one for most of our relationship, and only recently this year during our long hours of COVID stay-at-home activities, ...has she come to me saying she is very interested in experiencing domination as a submissive for a change.

So, while I can confirm that she definitely DOES love being dominated, even despite so many years of being almost completely in charge, ...there are still many things that need to be either steered around or broken down, in terms of "fetch an item from another room" etc, because that is the exact type of thing she has previously treated me like her servant boy for, long before we considered a D/s dynamic.

I suppose that is the core of what makes us decidedly a "switch" couple--Neither of us has the capacity (yet) to engage in something as powerful as M/s, even if we were curious about it.

Nevertheless, I'm going to keep working towards improving the D/s dynamic we both enjoy, from both sides, even if it involves getting my ass served back to me with a death glance or a hard spanking for trying something as brazen as, "no, get up and get that item yourself, little girl; your Sir is very busy working from home right now..."

...Wish me luck!

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 30, 2020

OIK Mountain, as one who does not do relationships, I don't have anything to add that would be of any use. My D/s experiences are that of a sexual masochist. COVID crap aside, when active, it's one-nighters, but a lot of the times repeat contacts over a span of time with those I am acquainted with IRL but not moving towards any "next level".

Anyway I just wrote to wish you "Good Luck" as per your request above