One act of obedience.

One act of obedience.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 2, 2020

I actually got... well, a lot of people interested in me. And I'm juggling and managing. You might find this surprising, but provided you're upfront about that a lot of people are fine with it. Honesty. Best policy.

But sometimes you get someone that just doesn't understand. And they're so much on the "other side" that it's harder to get them too. Yet... If that other person knows the pain of never taking sides and wanting everyone to be happy then that is the start of understanding. It's honestly not as simple as poly or mono. These are safe lebls with room for misinterpretation and assumptions. Things to be mentioned later once there's no longer a closed mind. And getting into those topics with someone that is "fresh" would just present the wrong idea.

Got to know someone. Did things. Next thing I know they're being more "official" with someone else. No heads up or forewarning. That was two days. And I didn't even get a chance to talk about us yet. All I needed was ONE day to talk about us before any major changes happened. No, I'm not just ok with it. Yes, it is an issue. No, I'm not stalking you when you're the one coming to me. Yes, I will bitch, whine and moan when I feel misunderstood and wouldn't want anyone to suffer in silence either because straight answers is all that keeps us sane. So yea, good as I am, capable as I am, when I'm THIS misunderstood even I start to get afraid. You THINK I'm that horrible person, but I'm not. Any time it's even implied I am, I walk away. Want your space? You got it. Then you bring me back. I walk away. You bring me back. I walk away. You come to me. And you wonder why I can't let YOU go when you hold on?

Misunderstandings. Arguments. You know how it goes. Wanting everyone to be happy can do that. Yea... you two are happy. But I'm asking "Do you want everyone to be happy" and don't even get an answer. I walked away when I felt blamed. Got brought back. That was nice. Mixed progress. But talking at least. Then it got to the point where they were "done" with me. Try to make a nice gesture and get turned on.

I really really had to exercise every ounce of restraint and self control I had to not just walk off myself once they played the "done" card. Actually did at first. For about a minute. And I say this as someone that really knows my stuff. Even I struggled. I stayed put. I MADE myself do that. I REFUSED to let that ruin my day. went back. Talked to some others I know. "What would you do if you had one day with them?" that was a question directed to me.

I replied with "Trying to get them to understand. But I don't think they want too anymore." Then there they go, and that person that doesn't understand me comes back. "One day", they said. Golden. Ticket. I'm taking it. On switch is activated. It's happening. You just offered me exactly what I needed all this time. I told her I know she's afraid. "Of?" she asked. "me", I said. Followed with "It's ok." Then the excuses came. Alright Tara... stay calm now.

I'm stalking? Nope. You came to me. Very clear on that account. I approached once. You did it over and over. In MY places. Any time I walked off and TRIED to leave you alone. The topic was quickly moved on from. suffice to say I won that one. didn't say that of course.

I didn't even need a day. It took about twenty minutes. It might have even been ten. We talked. About others we know. Apparently, she knew them too. Exes. And she said nothing will change how she loves "ya" and this person and that person.

Pause.

"Ya?" As in me? Staying silent for the moment. I'm pointing this out so you all know if you get mentioned if you find yourself in a situation like this. Keep an eye open for a little sign like that. If "ya" ever gets mentioned when someone talks about how they feel.

Then other topics. The fear. The pain she feels. That I know all too well. I already knew before she explained. But I still listened. Detecting. Analysing. It's what I do best. I observe every detail. People will hate me for that at times. But in the end...

Then she tells me to "come here". Being the kind of person that always does as I'm told, even in the worst of times, I do. Not kidding. Any time she says something, I do it. Right away. That's obedience.

... Next thing I know she's crying into me and telling me she loves me. Letting me know it had been herself she had been blaming.

She freaking LOVES me. And saying it. After all her complaints about me. still a lot to work out, but damn. This is... good. Really really good. But it wouldn't have happened if I had walked away.

If you take away anything from this story, just remember. It's not just you that's suffering. The least you can do is find out why they do. The search for answers is what kept us together. Consider that very carefully the next time you use your own trust issues as an excuse to not even find out what you're afraid of. Because if you do, you might let someone go that always loved you.

Bunnie • Dec 2, 2020

I’m not saying this to be a smartass... I’m wondering if you know there’s a blog section here where each of us have the space to just share whatever we want to. The reason I point it out with this post, is because this doesn’t seem like it’s meant as discussion... kind of just more like a blog... which is great, I always enjoy reading your (if I’m honest... shorter lol) perspectives on things... and you will still get plenty of people reading it there, I’m sure.

Miki • Dec 3, 2020

I tend to be somewhat witty at times in here, with an edge, and I don't mean to deploy that aspect of my posting prowess in this instance.

Walls of Text are best when in a blog, especially when they're meant to convey a thought, opinion and/or just plain personal reflection.

just sayin'.

Otherwise, from what I skimmed from it, you seem to be in a good space.

The key, as always, is don't overthink a given situation, be it interpersonal relationships, job situations, or even choosing one's outfit for the day.

******

and I can't help myself... It has nothing to do with your detailed post but overthinking is a problem for a lot of people, even when it comes down to something as basic as "shit or get off the pot".

Have a sunny day, or moony night, as the case may be