Where do I start?

Where do I start?

noahn​(dom male) • Jan 27, 2021

I'm a young man, and a Dom, living in Toledo, Ohio.
I am newly single, and deciding to finally explore the BDSM world, coming from relationships where my partners were never really as kinky as I have been.
I want to meet like minded people, and find my place in the community. Not just looking for sexual relationships but also friendships with people who I can relate to, and help me learn.
Are events/munches (I heard that is what casual meetings are called) still being held currently despite covid? I don't know where to start looking, and the event page on this website is currently empty. If you think you can help steer me in the right direction feel free to message me or comment on this post-either is fine with me.
I look forward to discussing with new people. Thanks for taking the time to read

MsLas​(sub female){- rope -} • Jan 27, 2021

Hi noahn,

I’ve seen munches in Ohio advertised on FetLife.

https://fetlife.com/events/near

Good luck 🙂

noahn​(dom male) • Jan 27, 2021

Thank you so much for the help. I really appreciate it

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 28, 2021

I'd advise against meeting at events during covid as many mutated strains are sweeping the world. As if no matter what is done it's just getting worse.
Fetlife as a site has not been the best place to find ppl, but has always been a good resource for events precovid. I'd suggest finding groups that match your interests and look into online classes. I'm sure MAsT or TES should have a few

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 28, 2021

Until the Pandemic is over, I feel that the safest course of action is to not engage in physical world activity, be it dating, munches or events. I am aware, info shared by friends, that some communities, dungeons and individuals are organising and holding physical world things, shakes head in disbelief. I feel this is reckless in the extreme and frankly puts their private motives above the health and safety of those who might attend. There is really no safe way to do physical world activities, in my view, currently, while Covid 19 and its mutations are running rampant all over the world, unless you are in a relationship, or an existing bubble. Taking temperatures at the door, unless very high grade equipment is used, and operated by highly trained people, is pointless, as is people providing test results unless they are from very recent tests, and even then many who are infected, show no, or minimal symptoms, so will have no reason to get tested, unless the event demands it, no test, no admittance. So the chances are excellent, depending on part of the world, locality, that someone will be infected and not showing.

I doubt there are any organisers out there (many are amateurs and not professionals) who could properly manage all the elements needed to make an event safe, and not 100% safe but mitigate it, but what is an acceptable level?

Its been a year since I did any physical activity (only online) and its been incredibly hard on those I am involved with in the physical world, and having the choice removed from me has been difficult, I value online same as physical world but not having the choice, has sucked. During Covid time I have not stopped trying to learn as much as I can via online video/audio/written sources, or various websites, books (remember those) and while not all of the info has been useful, to me, much has.

I know various educators, communities and dungeons hold online video presentations and I would urge you to avail of those, not physical world ones. Being very frank, catching Covid, or passing it on (you may have it and not know) just to attend a much, education event, or to flog someone, electro torture them, tie them up, fuck them etc (fill in the kink of your choice), isn't worth it in my opinion, nor is trying to find a new physical world partner for right now (I know people will disagree here) is way too dangerous. The risks of catching Covid and or spreading it nullifies, or should trying/doing. Covid kills many (all ages, not just the old or those with health conditions) and can leave you long term fucked re your health - have a look into 'Long Covid', so I think anyone putting them-self and others at risk, and this includes dungeons, clubs, events, not just individuals, to do kink (outside of existing relationships/bubbles etc) are people who do not really care about safety, either in kink or elsewhere in life but are really only interested in their own self gratification. These people, clubs, dungeons etc should be avoided - in my opinion.

So in that light my advice is as follows:

Take part in online communities, talk to people by txt messaging, video but for now direct meets, singles or groups carries too big a risk so don't - self control is a must here.

Read as many books as you can, such as: New Topping Book, New Bottoming Book, Loving Dominant, and the other highly regarded classics.

YouTube: watch Loving BDSM (and read their website. One of the finest bdsm relationships channels on You Tube), submissives Guide (and the excellent website of the same name and the related Dominants Guide website), Morgan Thorne (and her website), Crow Academy/Master Arcane (and their website), Bondatrix, San Francisco Leathermen's Discussion Group (don't dismiss the wealth of info just because its not focussed on your orientation), Bondage Tuition (excellent newish channel), Watts The Safe Word, SexPlanations (excellent general sex education channel). Main ones I would avoid are: Eve Lupine (often poor/shallow or misleading and badly presented info), Depraved Eros (ego trip with poor info), Beg For Jay (wanabe bad dom, run from this one and fast)

Practice - anything you like doing, toy use etc keep practicing, and any online/written opportunities to learn more find them and learn. View this as a way of getting yourself into top condition for any future relationship post Covid period. Learn as much as you can, your mind, knowledge are important so don't see the current times as a waste of time but an opportunity to learn, investing in your future.

Hope the above helps.

Good luck.

SecretShifter​(sub female) • Jan 29, 2021

Feel free to shoot me a message... I may be able to help.

My Dear{Trust} • Jan 29, 2021

As a Dom, one of the Greatest tools in your arsenal will be patience.
I would advise against in person meetings at this time. There are ways here and on other sites to meet other members of the Lifestyle without taking very real IRL risks.

As another said, if one is indiscriminate with their safety regarding Covid, how could I trust them with my own...especially as a potential Dom.

There will be time enough once this is past, and in time it will be. For now, I advise practicing safety...and Patience.

SubAtomic • Jan 29, 2021

Patience is your friend - as mentioned by others. Reaching out in here is a good start. There are a lot of good people here and a wealth of experience.

I wish you the best in your new life.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jan 30, 2021

You're caught between being kinky and wanting it to be more then about "just fucking". Honestly, I can actually relate to that. But if you're evasive (in any area) you kind of shoot yourself in the foot. be it your or their interests.

I've talked to people that have had sex (and other) concerns. Sex talks are VERY important. Do not avoid it if it's a concern for you or/and others. It's a common oversight.

The end result tends to be "Lots of what we both enjoy". You have sex concerns because you're concerned it might be about "just fucking". But there's "just fucking" and then there's "Being there for each other and doing other things as well with full support".

It's the "Full support" part that needs to be focused on. So, how do you talk someone into being there for you 100%?

Best I can say is that I do it myself. And talk a lot when I feel like someone else is holding back with me. Some people can have a fear of conflict (not me. But them). But when getting THROUGH that conflict, the end result is always the same. "Keep talking. Keep focusing on the issues/problems that hold people back. Max happiness when doing more even if people worry at first". This also means helping people with their issues/problems though. Being blunt. Pretend it's "just their problem" when it circles back on you, and you may as well ask for shit to be dumped on your lap. DEAL with it. Don't pretend it doesn't exist. The ONLY thing a professional can do is help find answers. But it's YOUR problem too. What's more, how you treat other people is on you. Your own hand. Your own words. YOUR responsibility.

Before ANYTHING else, make it about responsibility. We affect everyone around us at all times. This is the reality. And no delusion or denial will change that simple fact. Even walking away and shutting down communication can make things go much worse. Nothing good will come from deaf ears and turned backs. So let's start with what goes wrong before moving onto what goes right.

Fact is, if more people supported/helped each other instead of using their own problems as an excuse to turn a blind eye to the issues of others, more people would be happier. Now, I don't just focus on other peoples problems because I'm a "good" person. In fact, my reasons are selfish as well. If I let bad things happen and it's not discussed then things come full circle and people get hurt. In one fun ways. Pain and suffering can be turned into pleasure with control, but not if it's "Ignorance" or "lashing out". Pretending a problem doesn't exist doesn't make it go away. I HAVE to help other people. Otherwise what's their reason to make it about me? I can't just go "Let's ignore the problem" either. If someone has issues, I can actually help them. But I know what I'm doing. I'm observant. Ask. Make sure people speak for themselves. It's for them, yes. but ALSO for me. I benefit them. Then they benefit me. This could be "Serious trust issues". Or it could be "Make it about my pleasure and you get yours right after". etc.

If doing something for me leads to dong something for others, then it benefits them. This could be "Fuck me my way then we'll make it about your pleasure". Or it could be "Let's do something your way. Now let's try something different you're concerned about and actually do it to find out if you like it or not". When people ACTUALLY try and do things, more often then not, the result is fun. Provided there's a "supportive" approach. Example: Someone might be going "Sorry. I tried". But then I can say "You're fine. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't". Some people worry if they're "good enough". As someone that speaks my mind, if someone has to worry, I'll tell them. And if they worry too much, I reassure them. Assurance. So they don't worry so much. And focus on what they're doing.

Even when people worry (and this is very much sex related), they have fun after actually trying. But this is because of "sex talks". Presenting options/ideas. And there's also a mix of other things. "Plenty of everything". All of me matters. All of you matters. Make sure "It all matters" with someone even if they like sex. Don't hold back with what makes them happy, basically. But at the same time make sure you get your own cake too. And reinforce staying on top of things like "What do you want to do after it was about me". It's the concept of "Give and give". I prefer give and give as opposed to give and take. The path to happiness is with acceptance and making others happy while valuing yourself. Make sure you prioritise logic and honesty over coddling and sympathy and you'll set. Being sorry about a situation doesn't change it. Finding solutions changes it.

With that logic in mind, I advise you start with focusing on solutions to problems and not being evasive about them. But in order to overcome "Worrying about the worst" (which leads to assumptions) people need support. Either you have to become that kind of extremely logical and understanding person yourself, all on your own (which is very painful) or you find someone that is logical even if they hurt your feelings yet focuses on the truth/honesty of things. The trick with the later is to make sure they're not being biased. Because if they take your side then it's clouding their judgement. Better someone that doesn't take any side other then truth and honesty. While "Being there" for everyone that matters. That presents its own catch 22 though. It can cause people to have irrational concerns about someone not being there for them because someone that understanding is also there for others. It can lead to jealousy issues. I put in the time/effort for everyone that matters (and prove it). Can't speak for others. Anyone can do it, but not everyone is yet ready for it. If someone is full of doubt and mistrust, they need to overcome their other issues first.

You will get hurt. You will hurt others. It's unavoidable. But the best part is that you can immediately move on to better things right after. Be realistic. Yet make the impossible happen when you put in the effort for it. The more someone else avoids/evades you (puts talks off. Puts in distance. etc.) the more it hurts BOTH of you in the long run. I have found that the best comes from standing your ground. And that good things can be made to happen very quickly. Provided people stand their ground and don't make excuses to not take action. It's not "time". It's "action". People just WASTE time when they keep secrets. You got nothing to lose with me by being honest. Awareness is safety or/and accepted danger. Prevents "pants down" situations. It's YOU that will suffer if you didn't let me know about a situation and I'm not ok with a big change. Basically, "Honesty talks". Nevermind trust. Mistrust isn't the end of the world. But first and foremost, honesty. Recuse without that, trust is impossible. That means prioritise honesty above trust. That is the "starting" point.

If a talk gets unpleasant due to conflict, even then you can have things better then ever just a day or two after. And I'm talking about "Max happiness". IF you ask the right questions and point out when someone contradicts themselves. It's in the "asking". And making sure people are corrected after they make assumptions. At the same time, simply go "Correct me if I'm inaccurate in my observations". The trick is to avoid speaking for others. If you get someone to admit what they do then they can't argue with themselves. And if someone tells you to stop or shut up, you're not obligated too. Straight answers can be all that keeps people sane. Judgement call there. Depends on the situation. People might not LIKE a situation. But feelings and emotions aren't logic. Logic is logic. And logically, people place expectations. Unasked for. And complain when they don't get their way. But did they ask? Often, no. They did not. And then further add "In my position/situation, would you have done the same?" If someone goes on about breaking trust, then they better make sure they don't do the same thing in that kind of situation. Hypocrisy isn't so bad if it leads to calling people out and getting them to realise you're more alike then they thought. Hypocrisy is bad when it's "stooping to that level". Of which I must avoid.

Person A might be full of doubt and mistrust and fear. Needs a scalpel approach. Person B might be a bit evasive yet knows the importance of being direct and upfront. Can sledgehammer that one. Person C might act like lies and secrets will keep them safe when it backfires. A very good question here is "If you do it to others, how do I know you won't do it to me".

But the BIGGEST danger of all is when someone says "It doesn't matter". Or "I don't care". The conversation exists. There's clearly concerns. You can keep pretending it doesn't matter all you like, but here we are having this conversation. Of which exists because one/both of us have concerns. Someone could either make the mistake of assuming something doesn't matter when it does to you (it happens. Correct them). Or someone could actually "be bothered" and use poor wording. Which is actually a big concern. See, the issue here is that when people tell themselves something that isn't true, you can start to believe the lie you tell yourself. Which can lead to not only toxicity, but worse. Worst case scenario, apathy/not feeling emotions. So when someone acts like they don't care, I go "Are you bothered or are you assuming something doesn't matter when the situation clearly affects you".

Being blunt. Care enough for your OWN safety. This is why we always have to care. Because if we don't then we're not keeping others in mind. And then they circle back on us somehow (which is why you have to care for your sake). Those that can speak up, they will get results sooner or later.

But consider this. How many people have you hurt that suffer in silence? Chances are, too many. That you never even gave a second thought about. And knowing that I could do that? There's just no way I'll let that happen. Where so many turn their backs that easily, I refuse too. And when so many get hurt and flee in fear, I stand my ground. And encourage others to do the same.

Because if we fail in stand our ground, that makes us cowards. No one wants to be that weak, evasive coward that makes inaccurate assumptions at every turn out of fear. Not really. You can complain, you can whine, you can flee. But the fact is, if you say "You" and then go "This is the right way" then you're being close minded. And not even considering any other approach then the one you failed with. Do you want to flee in fear because things didn't work with others? Or do you want to learn from others so you can improve and get a better result next time? It's that simple.