Openness & honesty

Openness & honesty

ellefire​(sub female) • Feb 8, 2021

Where is the line? How much honesty and openness is the right amount to ask for? When does it become none of my business? When does it become too much neediness?

Curiousmind​(sub female) • Feb 8, 2021

In my opinion, honestly and openness are paramount for a long term committed dynamic.

“Neediness “ from my point of view is not neediness in its literal meaning in a bdsm relationship but a “dependency “ ...dependency created by a dominant in a power exchanged relationship. If a dom has forged the bond between a sub and himself then he should understand the natural way this type of a relationship works when his sub is dependent on him for his presence/ his guidance/his direction.
A sub should never feel guilty for being “needy”

Sending positive vibes, virtual hugs ? and a sincere hope whatever is on your mind @ElleFire will resolve and become better, stronger and more fulfilling ?

MintDom​(dom male) • Feb 8, 2021

I think it depends on the relationship you want to have. For me honesty and openness is very important and I always try to be as open as possible.
One thing is for sure, I will be 100% open and 100% honest to my future sub

KisforKitten​(sub female) • Feb 8, 2021

In any relationship regardless of whether it's kinky or not trust, honesty and communication are paramount, you have to have them for it to be a healthy relationship that will last. Although not all agree, the majority of kink dynamics are the same as a committed relationship so the values of those involved are going to be the same if not more important in a kink dynamic.

When thinking about getting into a dynamic there are so many topics you really have to have talked about before hand such as limits, do's and don'ts, past experiences, expectations for the future, hobbies and so on and so forth. You cannot have these conversations and many others and make the dynamic work without being open and honest, it's just not possible and it can be dangerous.

You shouldn't ever feel you are being too nosey or needy by wanting answers and anybody who isn't willing to be open and honest with you or won't answer certain questions or is cagey about certain subjects really is giving out red flags. As a sub we are in a position where we give our trust, our minds, our body, our safety into the hands of another because we trust them and because there is a bond that has been built through communication and being open and being yourself.

I hope you're okay and that all these answers have helped xx

thicccgirl​(sub female) • Feb 8, 2021

Im still learning about everything myself but I am really noticing that openness and honesty are for me at least the most important part of the dynamic, as being comfortable being open and communicating with your partner and them doing the same in return really helps reinforce and create the trust that is needed in the dynamic. If there are things you feel you want to ask and feel the need to know to build that trust, then ask them and communicate. It will only benefit you in the long run and will either show you that the person is not what you want for yourself or will help keep an open line of communication to help you maintain a dynamic with them down the line. I think a lot of people have struggled with wondering if wanting to know some things is none of our business or we are being too needy but, its definitely important to understand that our needs are important as well and its not needy to want openness and honestly from a partner or a potential partner.

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 8, 2021

Depends on tour personality. Me, I'm an open book and I expect others to be skittish with their personal info till they can trust me

Dominus eius​(dom male)​{LittleLott} • Feb 8, 2021

Honesty is crucial - as some others have indicated, that’s not a BDSM specific thing either. To make a relationship work, honesty is key.

Naturally, for many (if not all), there will be caution over openness as communication begins and develops.

However, I do not feel that the side of the / you are on impacts on the openness - to give an example. Just because you’re the Dom - I see no reason why you can’t be as open as you would expect a sub to be (at the least). I don’t see this impacting on the anyway. In fact, I would see it the other way, that openness (along with the honesty) engenders trust - which then enables further submission.

Bunnie • Feb 9, 2021

“Where is the line? How much honesty and openness is the right amount to ask for? When does it become none of my business? When does it become too much neediness?”

I think in the early stages there needs to be a fair amount. Trust for me comes from transparency and being able to understand that what someone is telling me, matches what they’re doing. Once that trust is established, however, then it’s not as necessary, because by then I will have come to a place of believing that He will know what is best for us.

Rather than transparency, what I now ask of Him, is to make wise decisions in how He chooses to lead me. As we’ve shifted further along our journey, through trial and error, He has realised that I do need more transparency in His process than either of us originally thought, but the fact that we have diligently worked on building that foundation of trust allows more of an opportunity for me to feel more confident in following and obeying without an incessant need to question Him or His motives.

FlipSide1481​(dom male) • Feb 9, 2021

I always add "forthright" to this list.

For me it helps address the question of how much to share. This is the way I frame those ideas.

Open is for if it is difficult to share or you feel anxious about sharing it... Then it likely needs to be shared.

Honest is for being honest and true to your real kinks. Honest with your self and others.

Forthright is for sharing things your partner cannot see or know about that affect the relationship.

This is and really should be a fuzzy line. That said I would never want a partner to fret and to be forthright and open about this anxiety.

ellefire​(sub female) • Feb 9, 2021

Thank you all for the thoughtful, and thought-inducing, responses. It is SO helpful to get perspectives from different people, as different aspects resonate or fit in different ways.

I tend to be an external processor, and write or talk to figure things out. As part of that, I'm compiling parts of responses from you lovely people into a document that helps me process. I'll certainly give credit where due, and will post it in case it can be helpful to someone else. Thank you again everyone ?