Why BDSM is about control

Why BDSM is about control

Taramafor​(sub male) • Feb 16, 2021

Someone once posted that BDSM isn't about control in a different thread. This was a while ago. I know with 100% certainty that BDSM has everything to do with control. As does everything else we do. Control exists in everything we do.

Some people don't enjoy being in control. But they do need to BE guided and controlled. These people will most certainty learn towards the sub side of things. Someone that doesn't enjoy being in control can have issues. It happens. Some people struggle. Which is exactly why they need to be controlled/guided. While making them aware and giving them a choice. This seems to be about control to me.

Some people never have a doubt or an irrational concern. These people enjoy control much more. Have more confidence. Without acting entitled. They wrap you around their finger and it might seem like magic. But they most certainty know what they're dong (the good ones at least). They mean and intend to do it.

And some people act entitled when they mistreat you. While calling themselves mistress. I'll let that one speak for itself. No, you are not in control. I am. I control the situation when you are being unfair, one sided and assuming far too much. And hope others can say the same if they're in such a situation.

Without communication there are no agreements. Without awareness there is no honesty. Without honesty there is no trust. This is very much about control and safety first. People that call themselves "mistress" and act entitled will threaten/endanger your mental well being if they refuse to listen/understand that easily. Personally, I will handle even people like that. Ends justify the means and those I have struggled with would say the same. You will decide for yourself or otherwise do what you feel is best if you find yourself in such a situation. This is a CHOICE. A choice happens because you control what course of action you want to take.

First and foremost, there must be understanding. This is where control is needed the most. A good dom will at all times make the sub aware of the situation they're in at ALL times above ALL else (different then having them blind folded. What's important is that they're aware of the situation they're in). They may hurt he sub, they may break the sub, but always they will inform and make sure you're aware. Regardless of any other interactions taking place. This is done because if it isn't, the sub (or/and dom) could become mentally unstable. It just so happens making people aware of the situation they're in tends to lead to fun interactions as well. "It's your choice". Or "You let the situation happen after full and fair warning". This is very much about control.

For these reasons, considering awareness and control leads to safety, sanity and fun interactions, I find it highly concerning that someone that would claim to know about BDSM rejects that it's about control. But a good dom puts blood sweat and tears into keeping a sub safe (and sometimes vice versa).

If making the effort to make good things happen isn't controlling the situation to get that result, then what is it?

If anyone reading that fault or challenge my logic (and say why, using proof) then I invite and encourage that. But in my mind if we lose sight of controlling ourselves and the situation around us this threatens/endangers the other person we are interacting with. Not to mention zaps the fun out of everything. Does anyone disagree?

DrWakko • Feb 16, 2021

I look at D/s as a Ying and Yang. My strengths are my subs weakness and my subs strengths are my weaknesses. For me into not about “control” but more finding someone that completes me.

Control is also subjective. If I tell my sub that on Friday we are going to have company and you need to have dinner prepared for 4 people and we are to eat at 7p. Then that is me being in control of that situation and telling her what I want.

Now she has this information. As long as I don’t micromanage her she is now in control of what is for dinner. She is in control of when the table is set. She is in control of shopping. She is in control of a lot of things since I didn’t give her exact orders.

Just because I didn’t give her exact orders doesn’t mean she can’t ask questions. Like what I would like for dinner, should I make appetizers, or what she should wear.

Why didn’t I tell her exactly what to make or what to wear or any other minor details? Because I trust her to do the right thing.

In my opinion the more you trust your partner the less you need to control. The more you feel you need to control the less you feel you can trust your partner to do the right thing.

Yes there are those who like to micromanage and be micromanaged, but that is put into their dynamic not because they don’t trust it’s because they both enjoy it.

DW

Miki​(masochist female) • Feb 16, 2021

Holy Shit Teramafor you definitely know how to write a book. Speaking only for myself, being subjected to control is all the fun.

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 16, 2021

The message is clear, but the use of certain words within context should've been used differently. I can see how some might think you're saying Mistresses are bad and Doms are good.

When writing something basic, even when based on an opinion, it's good to keep all titles of genders together without talking against any of them- as in Dom/me to represent Dom and/or Domme and most would use a simple 'M' to represent Master and/or Mistress.

Problematicly without using wording in such a way it really does make it seem like you've had a lot of past problems with Mistresses while having no trouble with Doms.

As I've always told new ppl, not saying that you are new to the lifestyle, knowing how to say things is just as good as knowing what to say. Meaning using the right words of contect can improve your content.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Feb 18, 2021

That isn't what I'm saying. Though I do happen to know somoene that calls themselves as such and acts entitled after mistreatment. I'm sure people that call themselves doms do that as well.

The trick is of course to be clear/specific as possible without leaving room for misinterpretation for assumptions. Which in turn ensures clear communication.

Controlled a communication talk with someone just very recently. They assumed the worst. We discussed things. We formed agreements.

Can also happen more "in the moment" flow style. Without needing as much effort. More likely to be fun here.

Control can be easy. Without thought. Or it can require effort. The teo aren't always mutual.