Real Life, Online or Both?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 14, 2021

Is this online? Yes. It's also in the physical world. But as I stated in my earlier post you are still affecting the real people online. And if you treat them like "roleplay meat" that's pretty much the equivalent of seeing someone as "just for fucking". It can be fun, sure, but it's like "just a dom". Or "just a sub". Except in reality (even online) it doesn't work that way. Because we're real people with opinions and thoughts and (important) concerns.

I'm going to repeat the C word. Concerns. Which is something a lot of happy fun only online people lose sight of. As I stated in my earlier post. Some people talk about it. Some act like they're perfect and never done a thing wrong. Sometimes people like that can be convinced. Sometimes they can't. How is this any different then real life? People want fun in the physical world as well after all. It's soooo easy to just focus on fun alone isn't it?

Thing is a number of people want to pretend their "fantasy worlds" can't affect real people. The main sticking point is that a number of people online will use their "fantasy" excuses the moment you try to be a real human being with concerns. Which I believe is dollmaker's main concern. As it is mine. One such concern can be how people want to roleplay their OWN things alone. Instead of each others. It boils down to the "fair" topic. And the only way to establish that is with communication. Which can be fun. But if "serious" then one of two things happen from there. Either the person you talk too is a coward that never claims responsibility, or you have a good talk about how to make fun happen. Been through both. Sometimes the former can turn into the later.

Suffice to say some online people act like they can just get away with hurting you. And this will be because of their REAL issues. As I stated in my earlier post "escapism" is something to be wary of. I find people that only seek to "escape" are more likely to be blind to how they affect the people behind the characters. In the long run this threatens peoples mental well being due to not being prepared for "serious" situations and never talking about it.

People say things like "not looking for more then fun" and "Avoiding relationships". Then those SAME people end up in those relationships even if it wasn't intended. Not a bad thing in and of itself. But imagine being BLIND to that. Then one concern pops up. Then another. The serious things never get talked about. Then people get hurt or worse. Like anywhere else if the communication is lacking it will lead to clusterfuck situations. To put it bluntly.

Some people will be able to have those conversations. Some won't even let you have an opinion. In which case have one anyway. Best that can happen is they take note of your concerns and it leads to good things (and fun roleplay. It actually helps make fun happen). Worse that can happen is that you tried.

If fun happens easily, great. But the MOMENT there's concerns, address the concerns. Otherwise the danger of silence takes root. Which can be unhealthy and destructive. Just like it is in the physical world.

shahh • Mar 14, 2021

@Taramafor​(sub male)

I can definitely appreciate your C word.

I think another is more important. Consent. And honesty. If someone honestly says 'I'm here for fun and roleplay and online only and as means of escape from my real world" and someone wanting an in person dynamic chooses to ignore that and consents to engage with them anyways...well... Who's at fault there?

If there was dishonesty...that's another ball game.

There are people behind the screen names of course. And of course dynamics can change over time wether intended or not. But both worlds (all worlds) are valid wether we agree with them or not. Personally I don't value online only for myself... It doesn't work at all. Neither does submitting to arrogant, pompous jerks lol. I don't expect someone to come out and say... hey, I'm an arrogant, pompous jerk....KNEEL! (Although I'm sure that's happened). That's why it's especially important for those seeking REAL dynamics (online or otherwise) to take more time and ask more questions to those they're interested in. If someone doesn't fit your needs or wants...don't engage or consent to continued involvement with that person.

PS...anyone else happy the C word wasn't effing Covid??

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 14, 2021

I find it's all in the full and fair warning. It's actually a relief knowing someone can admit they have trust issues when I met them.

Heck, I know one person that has no choice to say they trust my judgement (even over theirs at times) because my observations turn out accurate.

That will happen when people try to avoid drama instead of handling it. Pretend bad things can't happen and is it any wonder you (and me, if someone doesn't listen) gets hurt?


I don't need someones permission to have a voice or try to be understood. The whole purpose of having conversations is to form the agreements in the first place.

Ironic isn't it?

dollMaker​(dom male) • Mar 14, 2021

@ shahh

I used past tense in what you quoted. Nowhere in that did I say that anyone had, up until that point, done so.

There have been many threads such as these in the past on here, where anyone doing online have been attacked and told they are less than, words such as 'dungeons and dragons fantasy' used. I was referring to that and those who do seek to gate keep about such matters.

When threads like this appear and I post in them I am in my reply maybe going to bring in the past, if I feel its relevant to the over all topic, which I felt it was. I was simply saying that I find the use of IRL offensive. I have a right to feel how I feel about this, having been on the receiving end of such things personally, as have others on here, in the past. Do I think my, or others finding this stuff offensive is going to change anything? No not really. I had maybe, foolishly, hoped that maybe a dialogue can be opened to maybe find a phrase that fits better, and isn't potentially limiting. After all what some use on the net does not have to be the be all and end all for the bdsm community.

I don't feel that I was seeking to gatekeep regarding this. If anyone feels I was then that upsets me and I apologise.

aliljaded​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

I think this is a great question. I think at first online is realistic to get to know someone (especially during these strange times.). But, that cannot last forever. Eventually, once trust is established. and you get to know each other. You can move on to a better form of communication IE; phone. Then I believe you can get to know each other even better. I think it's kind of like an onion, peeling back the layers until you feel comfortable enough to meet in person. The time spent is not lost because IMHO I need to get to know someone pretty well before I decide to meet them in RL. I have this theory, people will reveal themselves if you only let them. I would much rather get to know the real person, during "the getting to know you" period rather than when they have me hogtied and helpless.
Just my two cents.
~M

CSI • Mar 15, 2021

I have heard the phrase f2f instead of irl. Is that a "better" turn of phrase? I love aliljaded comment 100%

SubGuyCa​(sub male) • Apr 27, 2021

"Online" IS "real-life." Orders are orders, regardless of how they're issued.

A Dominant issuing orders is Dominating. A submissive obeying orders is submitting. What difference does it make if the orders are given verbally, electronically, or via carrier-pigeon?