I need answers

I need answers

needysubmiss • May 1, 2021

I’m new to this lifestyle had a master and just ended things. He was willing to train me, knowing I was new. The first time we were together was exciting bondage spanking dirty talk. We were bonding very well as time went on. But then I became more needy wanting more, the communication was falling apart. There was no excitement no play . He finally told me he was looking for other submissive with more experience. I’m just confused how do I go about finding a Dom who is serious and no games?? Is there a experienced submissive who is willing to train me?

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • May 1, 2021

Just keep looking. Being a Dom is a lot more responsibility than most think. You are going to have issues with stuff falling apart when the serious need arises. Try to prioritize your needs over your wants. Anyone can provide a spanking-good bondage-time, but it takes a lot more to stick around.

All you can really do is be upfront with your level of experience and your known needs. Both of these will change with time and experience, do update accordingly. Pay attention for indicators the show potential and you will become better at narrowing down your prospects.

needysubmiss • May 1, 2021

I mentioned to him several times that I was wanting more, but nothing happened.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • May 1, 2021

Mentioning it will not guarantee that anything more will happen, but it is really all you can do. It will only mean that any issue that arises is not the fault of poor communication on your part. Communication is the foundation of any relationship.
Kink dating is just like regular dating. You are probably going to have to sludge through a lot of grease (and walk easily through some very nice fields that simply don’t have much going on) before you find something that sticks.

Miki • May 1, 2021

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Indeed the "...Started great but they couldn't relate" deal is the oldest story in the book of love, or any relationships beyond the casual "Hey buddy, how's it hanging?" "Nice weather eh?" and "How bout those fucking Red Sox!?"

-- Y'know, the casual friend at work/school/ or neighbor down the hall crap.

Once communication falters, stick a fork in it, it's done.

What is most important for anyone to remember is that whenever this happens, it is not solely their "fault" In fact is is often not their fault at all, and is instead just a matter of underlying incompatability.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, allow time to get over this and try again. Sooner or later you'll meet the one who is a great match, as I usually say "Often when you least expect it."

Above all else remember the "allow time" part. The rebound scene is a proverbial plumbing back-up waiting to happen.

House Talion​(dom male) • May 1, 2021

I'd question how long ya knew home before playing cause so many make the same mistake of playing with someone they hardly know and end up getting used then ghosted.

You can't get experience from others, just better understanding. You can't get experience from anyone unless you experience it for yourself.

Having patience sucks, but most of the time its needed for getting what you want.

needysubmiss • May 1, 2021

Thankyou yes we met online did not know each other long.

FirmGentleman​(dom male) • May 1, 2021

Several subs I've been with have reported falling for fakes at least a few times. Many men out there, even on this site, are just not real. They're looking to get laid and prey upon women that have real needs. Many are married and do not have time to invest in a real D/s relationship for fear of getting caught by their wife. Most have no proof that they are even real doms. Simple knowledge about the lifestyle can be easily learned and replicated. The truth always comes out eventually. The submissive will figure it out. Most dudes out there are just into some kinky S&M stuff they saw in porn, and think that's what this is all about. Being rough, make her do that quacking gag sound while shoving it down her throat, calling her a slut while busting out the pink handcuffs. Most of these guys are actually very timid and afraid of women. Sadly, you can only figure out the real from the fake through trial and error. Unless the guy produces legit photos/video to show you proof, not sure what other way you could weed through them.

needysubmiss • May 1, 2021

Thankyou

Re: I need answers

Cinders​(sub female) • May 2, 2021

I'm sorry to read that things ended like this, but it's not the first time I've heard of such events. My last dom ghosted me after a year, so really, there is no accounting for stupidity in this world! Try not to blame yourself, but instead, as an opportunity to learn.

At the moment, I strongly recommend that you take some time to focus on yourself. I've been a submissive for years now, but I always work on myself first and put myself as the first priority. Doing so helps to flag up the fakes early on who spout nonsense such as "You're a sub, so do what I tell you as I'm the dom here!". To give you an example, this is a message that landed in my inbox a few minutes ago:

"How are you? I am 40, 5’8” avg athletic build blk hair brown eyes looking for Real life long term submissive.. ideally someone open to live in, and/or open to breast implants( prefer very busty) but not a must.

Tell me more about you.. would you like to talk/text on phone? Phone#?"

The first thing I did was block him. Hopefully, you can see why, but the red flags here for me are:

1. It's a copy and paste message. Nothing about it is personal. He is clearly after a quick fix.
2. He wants someone to live with him; I am in the UK and he's in the USA. I don't see that working well!
3. And breast implants! Now, whether or not that is something that I'd agree to have done is irrelevant. To bring something like that up in the first message is a red flag for me.
4. Tell me more about you... Um, try reading my profile, maybe?!
5. Immediately asking for my phone number. So bad! So so so so bad. This is probably one of the easier red flags to spot when someone wants to immediately move you from a secure platform to your private number ASAP.

Now, I'm not saying that all Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses are bad, and I don't want this experience to put you off, but everyone regardless of their role needs to do their homework and take precautions to stay safe. Boundaries and you come first. No questions asked there in my opinion, but sadly, a lot of people are incredibly talented at being manipulative, even abusive.

Take the time to get to know someone and learn along the way. As long as you are learning, you'll grow, and with that, you'll meet kind and respectful people as you will be able to assert yourself without fear of being a 'bad sub' etc. Background checks are also important when assessing if it is safe to play with someone. Tools and laws vary from country to country (I live in the UK), but really, once you have someone's name and number, you can hunt through Google and see what there is. Reverse image search is useful too. Here, all limited businesses have to be publicly registered; I have caught a few people out with that register! One 'dom' lied about his name and took 13yrs off his age on his profile (not sure if he's on here as well). There is also a way to request info here from the local police teams to check if the person has any convictions/reports of domestic violence. See what is available to you and use it wisely to equip yourself.

Please feel free to DM me if you wish. I'm always happy to chat with like-minded people and I remember how daunting it is to start venturing into BDSM.

Stay safe!