Ending things

Ending things

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Aug 18, 2021

I'm not entirely sure how to phrase this but I wanted to know how people go about ending things especially in a BDSM dynamic? What are some reasons for dynamics ending? Did someone move, or did real life get in the way or was there a major issue? How do you broach the conversation (healthy ways) and how did your partner react?

I'm asking because now that I think about it I've seen people get really angry and mean in my own life and recently realized that this isn't how all break ups go. Which is just kind of a mind fuck that it really was my expectation and only experience.

Miki • Aug 18, 2021

Never really had a relationship so my 2 cents might not be worth rubbing together.

But having a number of friends, both BDSM and not, I have seen breaksups and, well, a break up is a break up no matter how you slice the bread. It's never "fun" and often acrimonious, but the root causes are often alike.

The couple's relationship and/or dynamic gets stale. That's one of the bigger ones. One or both cheat (sometimes as a result of the first thing I put down, but also one of them turns out to be a slimy snake.)

Then there is the "new job out of town" thing and the other party might not be thrilled with the idea of moving.

How to broach it? Honesty is the best policy. Don't prevaricate, don't point the finger of blame (unless in the case of a cheater caught) and don't drag it out. Just announce your (RHET) intentions and hit the bricks (unless it's your place, then (s)he can hit the bricks instead.)

The friends I know who have gone through this ... the partner dumped is seldom pleased as punch and more often than not, ugly feelings ensue. No one I know digs rejection... But in no case I saw was there violence.

BUT, in one situation the couple later came to realize that while their relationship went down the crapper, they found they were excellent friends and the "relationship" morphed into a platonic friendship.

But those cases are few and far between. Unfortunately when dealing with the human animal, negativity will inevitably settle in.

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Aug 18, 2021

Thanks Miki. Ideally both parties would have a conversation if things aren't working or they're just incompatible before things get ugly but that rarely seems to happen from what I've observed/experienced. I guess it just comes with the territory.

Likeminded Friend​(dom male) • Aug 19, 2021

My ex FWB moved on when she found someone new who could give her more commitment than I could give her. I was heartbroken when she broke it to me (by text), but we remained friends and are still in touch daily, even met up once for old time's sake which was really enjoyable, and haven't ruled it out happening again. We have both moved on and have separate relationships but we will be friends for life, we share our problems with each other and give each other advice and encouragement.

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2021

That's wonderful.

Steellover​(sub male) • Aug 19, 2021

A couple years ago I was seeing a professional domme here in town, because as a submissive male, that was really my only option at the time to seek the kind of intimacy I was looking for. As most in the "scene" will tell you, being a submissive male isn't easy, as far as finding a mutually fulfilling D/s and/or kinky relationship. So I took the only route I knew.

At first it was great. She fulfilled all those fantasies and more and I had some wonderful sessions with Her. But it very quickly became apparent that Her main kink was money. "Financial Domination," as they call it, even though she didn't advertise herself that way initially. But in addition to the $400-600 weekly session tributes, came the increasingly frequent requests for expensive gifts: $300-$500 trips to the cosmetics store. $500 purses. $700 dresses. $120 trips to the liquor store to stock up for a private party for her friends (that I was subsequently not invited to of course). And so on. The ultimate and final request was for a $2000 mac book, and by then I had long since realized that this relationship just wasn't fulfilling anymore.

What I longed for was intimacy: Romance, love, and companionship- in addition to just fulfilling kinks. What I got instead was just being taken advantage of; basically being a sugar daddy. And that wasn't enough anymore. If I wanted to spend that kind of money on a partner then I wanted to spend that kind of TIME with her, too- not just one or two hours per week. I wanted to be appreciated as a human being, albiet as submissive and kinky one, as opposed to just a human ATM machine (at best, or at worst, an "easy mark.") So after a while I just lost the joy in submitting to Her. The chemistry just wasn't there for me anymore, and I suspect it wasn't for her either- unless she could convince me to buy her something.

But nonetheless, I still felt it hard to break it off with her, even though she was a "professional" and it was clear it was never much more than a buisness transaction between us. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and didn't know how to tell her that I didn't want to be her sub/slave anymore. I ultimately ended up writing a hand-written letter (Because I wanted to have enough class not to just break up coldly via text!) and explained all the reasons why: basically stating that the chemistry was gone, I had lost the will to submit, and I was spending more than my entire paycheck on her, dipping more and more into my savings each month, and it just wasn't sustainable anymore. It still made me sad, though many will probably still scoff at me for feeling like this about an obviously bad relationship.

Miki • Aug 20, 2021

That sucks that they chose to notify you by text, but I suppose it could have been worse...

All too often I read about "ghosting" and that's the coldest way to go about it. Easy for the one who evaporates on you (RHET) but done without consideration for your feelings.

LittleMissM​(sub female){NotLooking} • Aug 21, 2021

In my experience, as Miki said, honesty is always the best policy. The other person may not like it, but it hurts a lot less than someone being an asshole because they are not happy, especially when they won't say why.

Cressida Clytie​(masochist female){Taken} • Sep 18, 2021

My first one ended because of the covid situation. We were long-distance and we planned to meet. Unfortunately, because of the travel restrictions, we have to cancel the plan. He got busy and I had to let him go before everything turns into bitterness. We are still friends now.

The 2nd one was awful, still long-distance. Caught him flirting with others so it broke me. I let the anger got the best of me and said some hurtful words. He released me even though I already decided to release myself without his consent. I already erased everything about him as that is the easiest way for me to move forward. It did not end good but at least we are already both free.

theirlovedsub​(sub female) • Sep 18, 2021

Things ended for me once due to a hard limit being ignored. A line was crossed and I could not go back. I was honest about what exactly was wrong and that I couldn't continue.

They were disappointed, but understood.
That was all amicable. I think honesty helped everything end smoothly.