Advice

Advice

babyseb​(sub female) • Sep 16, 2021

I’ve been in a LDR with my Dom for a year. Going out to visit a few times and have had the intention of relocating. At the beginning of the relationship we talked about him having another sub and me a sister sub. I said no I didn’t want that I did nor could I share. Over time. I fell hard in love. Never have been before either

Fast forward to the other day when he says that he has been lying to me. He has had another sub the whole time, she is also collared. And pregnant due very soon. The pregnancy was planned between them. But he still wants me as his sub. I would just have to concede to a sister sub. To sharing

I honesty can’t even grasp in my mind multiple subs in 24/7 lifestyle like we had.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 16, 2021

i stop shy of giving "advice" to anyone, but i will share my views.

i think it's tricky. In some ways you have been in relationship . and have fallen in love with, an illusion, a lie. There are obviously some things about this person that are real and attract you to this person, but now you know that some of it has been an act. If you are able to separate the lie from the real, is the real enough to keep you in a new type of relationship?

You thought you had one thing, but had another. As you saw yourself prior, and see yourself now, you could not/cannot imagine living in a polyamorous relationship. What has changed?

ObsidianOx​(dom male) • Sep 16, 2021

NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! Sounds like a trap to me. planned pregnancy sounds like they are looking for free childcare. it only been a year... move on and DO NOT settle! I very much see red flags all over this arrangement. Situation like this makes me angry, it make the poly community look bad when you have some lying to trick someone into a situation they don't wont to be a part of. I hope you find someone much better then that....

Sasa​(dom female) • Sep 16, 2021

I’m so sorry you go through this. I know it hurts like hell and there is no button we can switch and move on as nothing happened. The decision is yours of course but lying is a no go and that is not a little white lie. It was planned and he absolutely knows what he has done. Poly is difficult for many, often heartbreaking difficult, and you need a deep trust in your dom that he is truly there for you. Do you think you can trust him? I don’t ask you for wanting it… when we love someone deeply enough we want all kind of things… there is a difference. Sending you all my good wishes.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female){LJ} • Sep 16, 2021

The real question is how could you trust this person again? This is a huge and ongoing lie. What else is he capable of deceiving you about?

FearlessBrat​(sub female){H.PL.} • Sep 16, 2021

I am sorry to say this....

The trust has been broken
Your limits haven't been respected

He has been cheating on you for more then a year...He has been lying to you for a year now
They will be lying to you and taking advantage of you if you decide to stay...

It is your call, decision....

Re: Advice

Thotsferatu​(switch female) • Sep 16, 2021

Ultimately, you have to pick the route that is best for you, but I’ll share my impressions and you can make of them what you choose.

BDSM, as a vast collection human exchanges (when you boil it down), critically depends on trust. Every relationship needs it, for sure, but when you’re giving someone control over how you live, what you wear, what you eat, where you go, how and when you experience sexual pleasure, your daily routines, sometimes even your finances or your relationships with others or your very life and limb — you *must* be able to trust them. Having any doubt that what this person says to you is the whole, honest truth puts you in danger, both psychologically and potentially even physically. Dominants are human and will make mistakes, but there’s a whole world of difference between an unavoidable mishap or mistake, and then a willful withholding of the truth for personal gain.

He knew how you felt about being one of multiple subs, and that you didn’t want it.

He knew that if he were to do that, it would bother you.

And knowing all of this, he did it anyway, didn’t tell you about it, and is now about to be a father with this other sub. (Which also means he’s fluid-bonded with this person now, so if you two were also fluid-bonded, it may be time for a trip to the doctor!)

He wanted what he wanted and was willing to completely disregard your feelings, your input and your safety.

How much do you trust him now? And if it’s less than before, do you think you ought to be trusting him to make any important decisions in your life? Do you think he’s trustworthy OR even worthy at all to have control over you?

In my opinion, there are a lot of good Doms in the world who want the same things you want, who are people of their word and strive to be honest, *especially* to people who care for and depend on them. I think you deserve one of them.

Run!

Gaiawolf​(sub female){RogueWolf} • Sep 16, 2021

Seems a flippant answer but it's not. As everyone has said, how can you trust him? Doing the math if she is due soon means he has been lying to you almost from day 1. I'm sure the persona he showed you was wonderful, but can you believe any part of that was real? You went to visit, how well was he hiding her that you never noticed another woman's things. Even if they live apart having a breeding relationship there would have been some of her things. But he was so meticulous to make sure you never saw anything to make you question. You are lucky for some reason he told you before you relocated. My advice, cry scream rage, but cut that out of your life. Time will help you heal.
And as far as multiple 24/7 subs in one house, it take a special type to do that and if you already said you couldn't share no amount of wanting it to work will make it work.

House Talion​(dom male) • Sep 16, 2021

Honesty is key to starting a solid relationship. Since he been lieing from the begining he certainly can't be trusted and you should tell him as much before blocking him completely from your life. Question how much of the lie you fell in love with.

VelvetGlove​(dom male) • Sep 16, 2021

I would never be with anyone who lied about something so important. I find that despicable behavior and would be unable to trust them again. I know that it may seem that there aren't others out there for you, but trust me when I tell you that there are. There's no need to settle for someone who deceives you.