He doesn't want me to say "Sir"

He doesn't want me to say "Sir"

Sophie's secret​(sub female) • Oct 6, 2021

We've been talking for a few months, building Ds connection. Sadly, there are things causing my head to not understand.
Why does he not care or need me to refer to him with honorary title (Sir)? He replies-- (I do not have that need. I know who I am.)
I love/need to hear my pet names yet so far he is reluctant to give me one.
All the Dom/Dommes in my past enjoyed giving and receiving such.
*Any suggestions, advice, thoughts are appreciated*

S

Pomgb • Oct 6, 2021

I guess its very much an individual thing for each Dom.

I personally enjoy having a title, and also giving my special girl a name, but as long as everything else is making you feel happy and secure then just go with the flow.

Gaiawolf​(sub female){RogueWolf} • Oct 6, 2021

Have you expressed your desire for that sort of bond? And it is a way to bond for some subs. Being able to express your devotion with an honrific and hearing a name he has picked just for you is an affirmation of your relationship. But as stated, if it's just not his thing but everything else is great, you may have to decide if it's really a problem or just an old habit thats hard to break.

Secret Mind​(dom male) • Oct 6, 2021

I been here before.. Except the other way around where I wouldn't let a girl call me Sir. He might not be into you as much as you may think. And he doesn't want you to become to attached to him. Yes, you two might talk a bunch each day and share deep personal things. But he might not have a BDSM connection or sexual connection with you. So he's trying to be nice and keep it as a friendship and not a dynamic.
That or he just simply doesn't like the title Sir.

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Oct 6, 2021

MistaJ makes a good point. As does gaiawolf.

At the risk of repeating my advice on many posts. Have you tried asking him directly as to why he doesn’t want you to use it and hasn’t given you a pet name? To also explain your feelings on it.

I know that there are some people out there who view the use of titles/honourifics as pretentious and unnecessary.

For us, for example, as a married couple with a dynamic. The use of honourifics allows us to easily switch/differentiate between family/home life and dynamic.

Sophie's secret​(sub female) • Oct 6, 2021

I've mentioned several times my desire to honour him with a title. He says I may call him Sir if I need that but it lessens the meaning for me if not reciprocated
I think I was trying to sweep it under the rug and realize now that a discussion is imminent.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 6, 2021

Some wont permit a title until the connection and energy is in place for one, or a collar is in place, be that a first one leading to a more permanent one, or a collar to mark the relationship/dynamic. Not everyone is interested in following old guard stuff, and that is fine.

I myself prefer a title to come from the sub, something that resonates with and makes them tingle, but usually not until the connection and energy is in place.

Those that rush to titles are perhaps more interested in hearing that, than it being at the right time for a title to be used.

There are those though that don't like titles and if this is the case, if you can, look behind the title use, to what else is good, and honour the person by accepting their limit/boundary, requirement.

Online

Topcitypaimmaker​(sadist male) • Oct 6, 2021

It's not as important to me online as it would be in person and possibly absolutely required or have consequences. Online I get tired of such formalities when I'm not looking in your eyes and so forth to get your real state of mind. Anyone can type any old thing. In front of me on your knees? Different Story!!!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 7, 2021

I don't know the timeline of how long you've been talking.

---Do not rush:

As for me, I do not rush to using words that mean a great deal to me. And if you haven't met yet or spent quality time before jumping to words and honorifics, that are attached to emotions, I suggest you are moving too fast and rushing to what is a fantasy at this point.

Because I seek long-term and real-time, I take words very seriously. Things have to make sense and feel right.

Things should come from inspiration not just because this is what we do while talking. A Ds connection for me is predicated on us knowing each other and us moving in the same direction. The Ds connection you speak of is not something I believe we can develop just by talking on the phone or online. I believe the human connection comes first and that depends on us really getting to know each other.

So the question is are you and he moving in the same direction?

That is one thing.

---Compatibility:

Do you both want the same things? Some of those things are moved forward by how we connect and words, terms, or titles can be a part of that. However, if he is slow and take your time, and you are rush rush rush... it's going to be difficult.

---Many are wary of those who push things to go too fast:

Often men write me and call me a good girl (but I am not their girl), or they tell me to call them Master (But they haven't mastered me or anything that I even know about yet) I end up rolling my eyes and shutting them down. I mean really. We haven't shared a cup of coffee and YOU want me to genuflect in front of Master?

We used to joke about the velcro collar rushed onto someone to get them off the market much sooner than either person even knows what they are looking at.

---So what's your motivation in wanting these things?

Only you can decide if you are rushing. Or if the two of you are not compatible. but I suggest you do consider both options before you go too much further. It might be true that he isn't really dominant or interested in it in the same way as you are. Only he can say. So it sounds like you both not only have to have a serious - vanilla- conversation. But one with the courage to walk if it is a bad idea to keep going.

H*

Bunnie • Oct 7, 2021

“He replies-- (I do not have that need. I know who I am.)”

I’m a little unsure what you’re seeking. He has given you his preference and his reason why. The difficulty you face here *isn't about getting him to change his mind*… it’s about finding a way to become ok with accepting his preference. That can be one of the hardest things for us to do as submissive’s (imo) and yet… it’s the very thing we sign up for.

Maybe it’s just a little early yet for you to be *feeling* that aspect of him, so I can understand the need for the honorific. I too am an honorifics girl. However, ultimately it’s not about what feels better, or what past partners have had us do… it’s about choosing how far we’re willing to choose to surrender to the person we have chosen to surrender to. There’s no definitive, one-fits-all answer to that… it has to come from you. There’s no right or wrong. You either want to give it a go or you don’t. What would happen if you simply accepted that that’s what he wants, that he’s being honest about that, and take his word at face value? Are you able to let go of the honorific simply to honour him? Or is it more important to you to use titles? This isn’t a trick question… I believe this is something you honestly need to ask yourself. I believe that’s where you’ll find your answer.