Getting started

Getting started

ohiocouple • Oct 8, 2021

So I want to try sub/Dom system (I think that's what it's called ) how do I talk to my husband about this I've said something about it but nothing else has been said I sent him a list of scenes???? That I found and we kinda sorta went over and said what we was willing and not willing to do or try so how do I bring this back up????

FlipSide1481​(dom male) • Oct 8, 2021

Open, honest, and forthright conversation. Keep talking about what you enjoy and want to try. Take baby steps... Maybe watch porn together of the things you want to try... And talk about it.

If your not talking about sex now... Start. I recommend sharing fantasies... The real ones...the ones that make you feel like a pervert.

Notice the theme... Just talk ALOT about what you want to try. Try it, then talk more.

After that read books and these forums for ideas and to ask questions

Enjoy your journey

ohiocouple • Oct 8, 2021

Also I have always enjoyed "pain" and he does know that he has known since we got together but he is a bigger guy (6'3" 308lbs) I'm little persay (5'2" 120lbs) and he is afraid of hurting me but I know he will not I believe that he can keep control.. 

We've been married 11yrs and have 3 kids I love having sex with him but it's getting boring  and I want a little spice..

I've never had a sub/Dom in my past relationships but I have dabbled in kink play...

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 9, 2021

You can talk it up and see his reaction, but if he is slow to respond don't push too hard. If he seems disinterested, don't push at all.

Let him think about it (he certainly will on some level) and if it's meant to be, he will be the one to raise the subject.

It seldom is any good to force something. Forcing a matter might create stress, tension, or the thought that he is failing at something, which in general is a good thing to communicate in a relationship with regard to annoying or disappointing behaviors or habits, but not for things that aren't deleterious to your marriage.

You didn't mention how long you have been married, but generally the longer a couple have been together, the more patience it takes to introduce something "new and shiny" as well as the willingness to acknowledge the occasions that however new and shiny, sometimes it just won't fly.

House Talion​(dom male) • Oct 9, 2021

Get naked, grab 2 floggers, hand him one and tell him that if he doesnt flog you you'll make him watch while you flog yourself

ohiocouple • Oct 9, 2021

We have been married 11 yrs known for 13 yrs also we have 3 daughters.. we did dabble a little last night so he is interested...

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 9, 2021

BDSM without knowledge and acquired skill is dangerous, so please don't just jump into trying stuff without first learning how to do whatever that thing is with skill and safely.

Try talking and sharing the things that get him hard and you wet, and see if any of those things has a corresponding effect. You could also try watching an erotic film or porn together and see if any of that flicks switches. Try the S/M Judge film, its in Dutch with subtitles but its a brilliant and very true to life (based on a true story) story. There are a few extreme scenes later on involving piercing and needle use but outside that I think it a much better introduction to kink than Secretary or 50 Shades.

Thing is it must come naturally and organically, not be forced. If its not there, its not there.

Try reading and listening to Loving BDSM you tube channel and website. Also submissives guide website and you tube channel and Morgan Thorne you tube channel is good for technique and toy use, though it is focussed on domme to male sub, but there is plenty of crossover toys and toys that are gender neutral.

There are books too, The Loving Dominant, The New Topping, New Bottoming Book, Screw the Roses Send me the Thorns. These are good ones to start with.

However, its important to know, that at some point, one on one, peer to peer teaching is helpful too. So going to workshops, and events, dungeon 101 come and try stuff out days/nights and weekend conferences will take book, video knowledge to the next level.

Please keep in mind that even simple stuff is risky and taking time to learn safe ways of doing things is vital.

Good luck, I hope things go well for you both.

Morgein • Oct 9, 2021

It's not unusual for Dom(mes) to be cautious, oftentimes more cautious than subs want. We want to jump in with both feet. Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead! However, he's absolutely right. He could hurt you. It might be unintentional, but the possibility exists,. With that in mind, even though you trust him and believe that he can keep control, remember to respect his limits in the same way that you expect he will respect yours. As you experiment, give him plenty of feedback about what you liked, what worked for you, and where you could go further. Master and I use a 1-5 scale to rate how extreme a particular activity was for me. That manner of feedback works for us. Find ways of communicating what you enjoy and what's working for you, but remember to allow him to proceed at his own pace and be grateful for his loving concern and willingness to behave responsibly.

No Body​(dom male) • Oct 10, 2021

Your open and you have talked but it seems he is not into it. Honesty is great and you have started forming a platform keep it going. It will take time and lots of trust but it may not be something that is totally wanted. Keep the lines of communication open and honest. If it turns out this is not what the other wants try something else and see how it goes. Many have an online sub or Dom and enjoy a great relationship.

Good Luck

ohiocouple • Oct 10, 2021

Try the S/M Judge film, its in Dutch with subtitles but its a brilliant and very true to life (based on a true story) story.


I watched this last night and honestly I feel the way she felt at the beginning of this like I'm not "normal" and I have to hide what I want and desire... thanks for telling me about this movie...