Dom vetting - why or why not?

Dom vetting - why or why not?

PrecorX​(sub female) • Nov 13, 2021

It seems that meeting a quality person online is uncertain at best and ghosting is a daily occurrence. Given the online failure rate, I am curious about the practice of an experienced Dom vetting potential Doms for a sub.

Is this protocol respected in the online community? Or is it outdated?

What are the pros and cons to the practice of having a Dom vet potential suitors?

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 13, 2021

This is something I’ve thought about myself. Early on, I had a Dom suggest that any other doms contact him before they talked to me. It completely turned me off at the time, but looking at it now I can see where it could have value. Sort of a first screening process. I don’t know how most doms would react to such an arrangement.

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Nov 14, 2021

I am a TRUE and FIRM believer of vetting in any scenario... In life, online, play etc.

I personally feel both Doms and subs should vet. And anyone truly in the lifestyle should never ever have an issue of being vetted. That's a BIG red flag for me.

If you are seeking a particular person (Dom) to do your vetting, it's actually considered a protector. They "interview" certain prospects for you. Vetting is asking around to people, partners, community members that know the person. The person being vetted should openly give you past partners names etc.

I sure hope vetting NEVER becomes "outdated".

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Nov 14, 2021

I couldn't put it any better than Miss Morleypants did.
A protector, whether Dom or sub, can interview any potential whatever so that a newbie is less likely to be preyed on.
Never a bad idea to have someone or three watching your back.

Valore • Nov 14, 2021

In someoccurances that I've found/heard/witnessed...
The chosen person to vet for another... ended up being a bad choice. Many inexperienced individuals getting involved with someone who offers or immediately trusting and asking someone to help them.. then getting offered to vet for them... unfortunately led to said vetter being an asshole, or being interested in the one they are vetting for... thereby (purposely or by accident) not allowing anyone to get too close.
I've had some "vet" ask for very personal information online... like which city I live in and where is my work located, or immediately demanding I give out my personal phone number or a picture, or I can't talk to someone...even as friends.
Which in one situation particularly... ihad been conversing with the sub in chat rooms and we agreed to talk in message about their dog since they had to leave chat. Told me that they had someone vetting everyone, but I should be fine. Agreed to it because even friendships can be harmful to some... so it's good to be careful depending.
Had the guy message me saying he was vetting for _____ and that I had to give him my cellphone number if I was going to be allowed to message them on cage... I explained we just talked, agreed to contact on cage about her dog and I had no intensions of being her Dom.
He still demanded I give my cell.
I didn't, deleted everything from the person and decided it wasn't a good idea to be involved with that person. I did try to message her to let her know, but it was turned off... never saw her in chat again.

So please be careful about who u choose.
A vet is always a good idea if the vetting individual/s can truly be trusted to have ur best interests in mind.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 14, 2021

I have been involved in my local scene and online for 12 + years and yet I have been wrong about people on here, doms and subs. I have thought some doms were ethical and decent people, who then turned out to be gold plated shit lords. To say I felt stupid and played is an understatement.

I think vetting is important, but I now feel that unless you can observe someone in person, see how they interact with others, partners and those who are not, watch them play, talk to those they are and have been involved with then its going to be a very flawed undertaking, riddled with potentially missed, or hidden important info.

These days my defalt position is that all doms are dangerous shit lords until proven otherwise. All subs with testicles are super thirsty, pushy fantasists until proven other wise. I am less harsh regarding CIS women but until proven otherwise my trust levels are low.

The idea of vetting someone for someone I would not do, I no longer offer opinions if asked, except to the be careful, trust slowly and assume the worst rather than positive as a default. Protectors, most use this as away of getting into someones knickers and not to actually neutrally protect.

I am these days somewhat jaded and cynical, my wounds, mistakes and scars have made me this way.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2021

Here are my thoughts with vetting. How do you really trust it? No man with half a brain is going to give you the name of a submissive that he wronged. Also unless you also vet the person giving the all clear, how do you trust what they’ve told you?

As for the protector option, sure it’s not fool proof and you shouldn’t pick just any dom to do it, but I think good doms know some things to look for that we might miss. It doesn’t mean that we say “well SuperDom said he’s okay so he’s it’s all good”. There would still be getting to know him on your own and making your own decisions about him.

My very first question is: Who vets the vetter ?

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Nov 14, 2021

The entire "protector" thing seems questionable to me unless someone you actually know IRL and have had a long term *platonic* relationship with assumes that role for the submissive. I think it's rare to find someone willing to act as your frontline defense against potential scurrilous shenanigans without having some kind of personal agenda. Which for me still begs the question of "how do you know the PROTECTOR" has no hidden agenda? My personal view is that if I'm savvy enough to vet a protector then I'm savvy enough to choose any potential partner without outside help. But then, being a masochist rather than a sub might be all the difference in the world in how I approach this type of scenario. It IS interesting seeing other people's opinions as I seek to understand this concept.

Re: My very first question is: Who vets the vetter ?

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2021

You make a valid point. I think the key would be not just taking his opinion at face value. Have the protector explain his misgivings. If it doesn’t sound right, he probably has ulterior motives.

I have some other thoughts on this that might be better in a separate post

Re: My very first question is: Who vets the vetter ?

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Nov 14, 2021

I'd love to hear your thoughts from a submissive's POV. Me being a masochist and into rough and kinky rather than being a submissive is very much responsible for my not grasping this concept I think. I'm just naturally resistant to taking "advice" and I have the attitude that I know what's best for me and I tend to get all impatient and dismissive if anyone tries to tell me otherwise. I look forward to hearing additional perspectives that might cause me to reconsider some of my own resistance.