Collars

Collars

DrWakko • Dec 8, 2021

I have seen several profiles now with people wearing collars yet saying they are single and looking. To me a collar means that person is owned. I understand you can be collared and poly and looking for another partner, but these profiles don't mention they have other partners.

How does one tell the difference between a collar and a choker? I've seen locks, o rings on both collar and choker, so how does one tell the difference?


DW

Re: Collars

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Dec 8, 2021

I'm offering my own thoughts on this - as someone who's been around a few years. Collars don't hold the same significance they did 20 or more years ago. They seem to be treated as a fashion accessory and I'm even seeing a trend of people "self-collaring". Not sure how *that* works and I'm not inclined to research it. At any rate wearing collars no longer seems to have the same impact they had when I first started out and your confusion is shared by many I think. Apparently you're going to need to ask every time you run into this situation.

Zedland​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2021

A collar has precisely the meaning you ascribe to it. For some a collar is a fashion accessory for others it a symbol of commitment and for still others it a practical garment for play. Some people wear a collar for fun and convenient leash attachment and wait eagerly for a metaphorical collaring. People are weird, but on the plus side asking how they feel about their collar is a good ice breaker.

As for collar/choker. A collar is designed primarily to hold, a choker primarily to choke. There is some overlap mostly as a result of attempting to attach a product to certain marketing trends.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Dec 8, 2021

I wear chokers because I like the way they look. Most of them have charms versus o-rings but I have one like that that’s a favorite too.
My take would be if the profile doesn’t say someone is taken, I would message if you’re interested.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2021

I agree with this.
In fact, it seems that a collar is used as any of these things as often as any other.
Many single subs, pets, degradees, etc (as opposed to those in committed relationships) wear them in their respective -space, or as a means to endulge in or get in touch with their identities, as opposed to as a symbol of commitment to a slashmate.
Asking someone casually would definitely be a conversation starter. Just imagine the reactions from someone who doesn't know that a collar might have any significance other than fashion haha.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2021

Or if does say that someone is taken then don't contact them with any expectation that their status will change simply because you want it to be otherwise.

Zvengali • Dec 10, 2021

With being in this lifestyle for about forty years now. The idea of wearing a collar has morphed into something much different than when I started. At that time you as a submissive or slave, could own two collars. One being a daily collar worn if they were a sub / slave who stayed home. The day collar can or might be worn during play (most will have their very own personal set of cuffs and collars). And he/she may also have a formal collar that, depending on their own particular dynamic, that would be worn outside the house or at formal BDSM functions. For some slaves, they might have a permanent collar that would never be removed (unless of an emergency). Yet as spoken above here. We see many who have collars and are NOT COLLARED by a Dominant. I can tell you that in almost all cases when a submissive/slave receives their collar from their Domminat...it is a BIG DEAL...liken to a wedding ring. Yes, collars have morphed into I have no idea anymore. Maybe its my age...lol But if someone has a profile with a collar on...JUST ASK if they are collared. That tells one all they need to know. Collared ?.....Move on. NOT Collared...then proceed to get his/her attention.

I have only Collared two women in my life. Both Slaves, had their own set of cuffs n collars, and both had day collars....and both had Custom made collars that never ever came off.... Dont let the collar thing distract you....Just ask. Im from the Old Leather Guard....back then a sub was a sub, and a slave was definitely a slave.....Now, we have subs with great limits who call themselves slaves.....OY...lol

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Dec 10, 2021

Now you've done it. You opened the "Old Leather Guard" can of worms - also known as opening a can of whoop ass. I saw someone go off on "Old Guard" with a vengeance the other day and decided to scroll and let his tempest roll. Dude was majorly overwrought and dripping with disdain. Seriously - with your forty years of experience compared to my 25, you're even more familiar with what protocols *USED* to be recognized as an "industry standard". There was a time when things were more quantifiable but those days are long gone.

I don't identify as a submissive openly because I don't want to be the target of drive by InstaDoms. I've only submitted to two men in my fifty five years and I married both of them. My collars carried the significance you mentioned. Do I honestly subscribe to the "Old Guard" school of BDSM? No I don't. But I do recall the days of trying to emulate that high standard set by the leathermen post WWII. Just don't be shocked if you get taken to the woodshed for daring to mention "Old Guard".

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 10, 2021

There isn't much left in this lifestyle that hasn't travelled the continuum from "what we hold dear" to some ridiculous distortion, or a fashion statement or even some version of performance art.

Some people do seem to like to wear leather collars and other assorted paraphernalia as a statement of their own. To me, it is simply a compatibility measure. I consider collars a sacred thing. So those who wear them as fashion don't bug me so much as I just don't see us having a shared vision of this lifestyle. it's the same for me and those who have 7 levels of collaring with all fancified and complex conditions to them.

I just don't do that. When I was collared it was huge and now if I wear the one silver collar my last Sir gave me, which IS a necklace, it is in memory of him. Just as it is when I wear the Pandora bracelet he filled for me.

So I click best with those who also value collars, as well as, other aspects of this life in similar ways to me, but I don't spit on those who don't lol.

AS far as the Old Guard and subs vs slaves comment, while I don't wish to derail the thread into THAT just-won't-die topic, it is also a good indicator of how people fit together.

As Wytchy said, Old Guard has old roots from people who really weren't anything like me. They risked everything to participate in power exchange where we do not. I respect the tenets of Old Guard and the challenges they faced in that era but to say I am Old Guard as some badge of honour? Eh.

That to me is like saying that I fully practice the perspectives that brought the Declaration of Independence which was written by Landed, White, Rich men who owned slaves at a time when they were really the only ones who were free and independent.

Or that I am Gore because a fiction piece was written about Conan the Barbarian type men and whispy whispy whispy nubile slave women. Yeah... no. Others might but I need more.

So all you can do with those who alter concepts and move them out of what is important to you is treat it like a measurement. Other than discussion boards like this, I'm pretty particular in who I invest in in the lifestyle. I don't step on the others (well OK there have been a few) but having things in common matters.

And that wouldn't be those who play with collars in ways so very far from how I see them.

How do you tell? Talk to them, odds are good and the differences don't stop with that one thing. Soon enough you'll find big gaps in what you each value and respect. And then it is pretty much a no-brainer.

H*

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Dec 10, 2021

I love how you encapsulated that core conceit that's so frequently and openly bleated about these days. It's constantly being hinted at that we older folks should just have the decency to hobble off on our walkers and cede the dance floor to these younger folks who scoff at any semblance of any romanticized hierarchy those of us of the older generation once appreciated and found enticing.

These days we're told to just stand back while the newly empowered generation of brats, brat tamers, littles, princesses, middles, daddies and mommies take over the scene - AND they don't hesitate to remind of us of what defunct and out of touch old relics some of us are. I'd gladly turn back the clock to 25 years ago (for myself) if I COULD just to escape back into what was to ME an orderly and reasoned world with some established hierarchy - as I mentioned in an earlier comment - I fondly remember a time when I could rely on some kind of "industry standard" protocols.

I'm actually relieved that I'm no longer interested in anything resembling dependence on any other person to meet my EMOTIONAL needs in this lifestyle because what once was a rich and layered tango in the night seems more reminiscent of a free for all cage fight peppered with those egos determined to grab the most attention and pleasure for themselves while running the best campaign for their own brand of kink. I'll take casual pick up play without the dramatics at this point in time. ‍♀️