Being Submissive

Being Submissive

Servant James • Jan 29, 2022

Greetings everyone, hoping to get some feedback and learn more about being submissive. I am new to the Cage and to the BDSM community.
I consider myself submissive as I enjoy being the receiver for various sexual acts such as pegging, bondage, face sitting etc. and enjoy giving sexual pleasure to my Domme. I don't mind being told what to do like being told to wear a chastity cage and/or a butt plug, being naked, what to wear but definitely not into being degraded or humiliated. So am I truly submissive or do I just like being a receiver of certain aspects that can look like submission? Does being submissive mean you get to pick and choose what you will do and not do or does it mean you must obey every command of your Domme?
Look forward to hearing what you more experienced folks have to say. Thank you.

Careful Dom​(dom male) • Jan 29, 2022

Hello!

To answer your question, for myself in the sub role, I would gladly obey any command, so long as the domme accepts my hard limits and doesn't command me to break them. If degrading and humiliation is one of your hard limits, your domme should always respect that. Always.

Do you trust her enough to obey every command? That's up to you.

If she commands you to do something that breaks your limit, you have every right to say no. At any time. That doesn't make you ANY less of a sub. That makes her less of a domme and you should look elsewhere immediately, if that was previously communicated. In my opinion. For your safety and health as a person.

It's about the dynamics in the relationship.

Never do something that makes you feel unsafe, or uncomfortable. Express these things to your domme beforehand. Prior communication is the key, along with trust.

I hope this helps! Please let me know.

Miki • Jan 29, 2022

Lots of reading material out there, too. I'm not familiar with exact titles but I know it's out there.

Servant James • Jan 29, 2022

Thank you Proswitch this certainly helps in my understanding of what it means to be submissive. It's not all or nothing or you must be xyz to be considered submissive. More importance on the relationship built between the Domme and sub. Now to find a Domme to build that relationship.

Miki..yes there is lots of literature out there and I have read a lot online, some very informative and some that doesn't seem right. Porn is one source that seems to be a poor representation of submission, femdom etc. So I never use that as a resource.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Jan 29, 2022

Welcome to the site! You definitely don’t have to do everything. That’s what soft and hard limits are for. Soft for things that you are unsure about and willing to try. Hard for things you don’t want to try ever.
It’s best to establish these before any dynamic or play so that the Dom/Domme can work within those boundaries. Also always always always have a safe word.

MelMell​(dom female) • Jan 29, 2022

A good Domme will take the time to know what your limits are. Just like dominants are into certain kinds, subs are also into certain things and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m personally not into humiliation and degrading but I’ve had subs who were into it and they were aware it was a kink that would never get fulfilled with me. I lean on the sadist side but I haven’t had a masochist sub and I would never make a sub push their pain limits.
It doesn’t make you any less of a sub to not be into certain kinks your domme is into, just the same way it doesn’t make me less of a domme to not be into some of my sub’s kinks. If someone tells you otherwise, kindly tell them you don’t care. You are allowed to be into what you want and your domme will understand that.

CSI • Jan 29, 2022

I agree with all of the above, but have some questions. Is the pleasure all about you or would it be all about your dominant? I had a playmate who called himself submissive (when I was first starting out and thought I might be a domme), but if whatever I asked did not tickle his fancy, turn him on or get him off, he wouldn't participate. He was topping from the bottom, so I ended up calling him a sex toy. So I would say it depends on your intentions as to whether it is submission or just bottoming (sexual acts/scenes/receiving).

Servant James • Jan 29, 2022

Great question CSI. I have not been in a relationship with a true Domme yet. My previous partner was rather vanilla. She didn't have experience being a Domme and while she tried it really wasn't her. While there are things that give me pleasure the biggest turn on would be to serve the interest of my Domme and to be able to receive my pleasures when she sees fit.

Steellover​(sub male) • Jan 29, 2022

Things I believe a submissive is:
-A person who gets their own pleasure in giving pleasure to others.
-Someone who is thoughtful and considerate of the needs of others.
-One who tries to please, and takes satisfaction in pleasing others.
-Believes it is better to give than receive.
-Open to new experiences, and willing and eager to learn from the wisdom and experience of others.

These are some of the things, core values you would say, that I think are important.
But with that, there are things I believe a submissive should be wary to avoid becoming:

-a doormat.
-manipulated into doing things that are self-destructive or immoral, or cause harm to themselves or others
-gullible, or a "Victim" or a "Mark."

Such things can happen when a relationship gets out of balance.

I've deliberately avoided talking about kinks or sexual things here, so far. But this dynamic does come into play in sexual situations, as in all aspects of the relationship. It needs to be a balance between a desire to give pleasure and satisfaction to the dominant one, and being pushed too far outside hard limits and into things that become destructive, abusive or harmful.

cherilynn​(sub female) • Feb 2, 2022

Hey there,
Welcome to the cage and to bdsm! You are going to have lots of fun!

I identify as a submissive with slave tendencies. I don't call myself a slave because for me, slave is a title I earn.

I consider myself submissive because in romantic relationships I give up control to the dominant partner. I do not now nor have I ever had the desire to be in control in romantic relationships.

I do have limits, both of the soft and hard variety, that are very much the same as yours as far as humiliation and degradation go.

Limits are important. They keep you safe, help deter the riffraff, and serve to let others know that you value yourself and your safety.
Please don't ever buy into the idea that having limits means you are not a "true submissive".


Good luck and stay safe out there!