New Dom's vs Experienced

New Dom's vs Experienced

primerose • Mar 16, 2022

Had a partner that's only a few months into being a Dom. Decided I have to submit or walk away.

In your experience, how should new Doms approach their first IRL S/D relationship? And at what pace?

dollMaker​(dom male) • Mar 16, 2022

New doms, should not. BDSM is incredibly dangerous, life changing injury can occur if techniques and skills are absent, or applied with ignorance, badly, even with the most basic activities. Not only can real physical harm occur but mental and emotional damage can occur as well.

My advice treat this like learning an extreme sport, and this new dom should learn the basics first before they try anything. I strongly recommend researching basic things first, via online courses, workshops, (in person still risky due to the still rife presence of covid) books, you tube videos, and once the basics are grasped move onto more advanced stuff.

Only start play etc once those basics are taken on board.

CSI • Mar 16, 2022

I agree with the above. Incredibly slowly, baby steps, snails pace. If it is taken at a fast and furious pace with everything happening at once, it will not be able to be sustained. You need to trust that they have your back and your best interests at heart. They need to be your security, your comfort and your safe place and only consistency and time will show you that they are and what they can be.

Ironhand​(dom male){Owner} • Mar 16, 2022

Education, Education, Education and did I mention Education? That's the key to growing in this lifestyle, especially as a D. As a natural D, there are things that should be innate and instinctual, but once you think you've gotten it all figured out, that's when it's time to go back and learn some more. Everything is evolving all the time and while the standard must always be maintained, it's important to keep growing.

bigandsmall​(sub female) • Mar 16, 2022

Not a Dom/Domme, but been with enough of them good and bad, real and wanna be. One way to know whether its all talk or they have actual experience is to educate yourself first before they attempt to bind you. Talk about and ask questions. Do you know where your kidneys are, your sciatic nerves, how long clamps can be worn before it becomes dangerous enough to kill the skin cells because blood flow has been denied way too long. YOU need to know this first. You dont need a biology course but even just googling specifically will provide a general view.
Everyone has to start somewhere so no need to reject them BUT if they are not willing to learn with you and claim to know it all, red flag ego as stated above take it slow. Maybe some light impact before bondage, or bondage of just arms until you know and trust the skill. Working up to more intense play. When with a new partner, never start off being made totally helpless, they should have to earn that by building your trust. Nothing is a perfect way toward the experience you want, but before you submit to someone, know what you are submitting too and level the playing field. Trust your instincts 😊

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Mar 16, 2022

I am going to disagree with some of my esteemed brethren marginally. Although I concur that there are elements of the lifestyle that are inherently dangerous to life, limb and psyche (rope, fireplay, wax, impact play, emotion, emotion, emotion) the basis for your question was regarding a new Dominant in your relationship and you submitting to him. You didn't mention under what context, so I'm going to address just the dynamic emotional portion. All the kinky play should each be taken individually and with an extreme eye on safety as indicated above.

I believe ALL Dominants, whether new or used, instant or pedigreed with decades of experience, should begin each new relationship (IRL or online or whatever) slow and controlled, with plenty of questions to determine whether both parties (or more) truly fit in the dynamic. And to define what all parties expect the dynamic to be or to evolve to? There are so many different aspects of the lifestyle beyond just D/s. And EVERY relationship is different, so each new involvement requires walking in like you are a novice in full-on learning mode (both D and s).

Beyond that, there is no reason why he cannot start a relationship with you, learning the ropes of being a Dominant as long as you are open to his being naive and new and possibly growing into a mature individual. You need to be aware he may make mistakes in developing and controlling your dynamic that may cause you to pause. The danger is there that you may lose respect if he doesn't know how tight to hold the "leash". Also, it's important for him to realize he may exude certain domly traits, but that does not a Dominant make. Is he truly a Dominant?

Education is key, as the above have mentioned. He can read up on being Dominant. And he should absolutely find someone who can mentor him in being a Dominant. But not just a Dominant - one who understands the type of Dominant he aspires to be? There are many types.

I will footstep what dollMaker indicates above. Any kinky play he gets into should be done with a severe degree of education, research and practice under the right environment. There are excellent classes on all types of play that most local communities support: Impact play, rope, wax play, etc. Education is the key to safety.

All the best!

bigandsmall​(sub female) • Mar 16, 2022

Absolutely, well put. Plus exploration can be enjoyable with the right attitude 🤭

Re: New Dom's vs Experienced

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Mar 16, 2022

Based on your profile, you seem to be as "new" as the dom you're describing. Two newbies trying to navigate deep water generally results in one or both going under. Never depend on a "lifeguard" that doesn't know how to swim themselves is my best advice.

Spearance • Mar 16, 2022

Being a new Dom my self I have been asking a lot of questions and done nothing but reading I have learned alot. I say if you know going in and set am initial set of boundaries. From what I have learned from these fine people is the role need defined. But it gives you both a chance to learn each other.

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 21, 2022

News need to learn before having such relations. After that take it slow