Question about Dom limits

Question about Dom limits

Spearance • Aug 9, 2022

I am a newer Dom but I want to ask everybody a question. Is it OK for another Dom to try to control your sub? Should your Sub be allowing this to happen. But not participate but also not stopping it? Should I get invovled and stop it my self? I have a partner who has another Dom talking flirty with them. They do not feed into it but does not fully shut it down either. Can sombody give me input please?

Miki • Aug 9, 2022

On both counts, if you're in a committed D/s dynamic it's a resounbding No!

Specifics regarding your dynamic aren't clear in your post, but as you said, another dom is trying to "... control your sub" That implies it's a formed D/s dynamic and relationship and not one of the fly-by-night, informal hookups I vastly preferred-- back when I was active

(Also note I'm not a "true" sub, just a masochist so it's just my opinion. Your mileage may vary)

But enough of that shit: Again, No on both counts. And the sub should be clearly stating they're in a relationship already--- and the dastardly dom doing the flirting and whatever other crap he's blowing out of his "other" ass-- knows this is one of the "rules of the collar" -- even if the sub does not wear one when out and about --- if not, consider it, both of you. Various collars mean various things--(someone in here posted a lin k to a site that describes the meaning and placement of collars but I forgot who and in what thread... Do a search on "collars bdsm"-- that should get you to a site that'll tell you about them.

This is taking longer than I intended.. So.. as for your job now, find a peaceful way to tell this dude to keep his grubby paws and silver tongue away from your sub.

Otherwise this can get real stinky.

Finally (at last!!) Reevaluate your dynamic and how reliable this sub is. If they're willing to let some drooling dom huff, puff and blow their ears off-- they might not be good lasting sub material.


That's all I got for whatever it is worth.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){Owned} • Aug 9, 2022

I’d simply ask myself if I wanted to be in a dynamic with someone that needs attention from other men, tells you about it, and doesn’t end it. I would venture to say that this individual (the sub) is feeding off both the attention from him and the way you react to knowing about it. I’d first tell them that you don’t like the behavior and you would appreciate seeing it end. An alternative is simply ignoring the behavior and not feeding the feeling that the sub gets from your reaction. A third option is to end it and move on to someone that values your feelings more than what is being shown.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Aug 9, 2022

There are a couple of ways that you can answer your questions. The easy conclusions that you will probably get most often, but also the equally important answers which may not seem so obvious at first.
The seemingly obvious answers are No it is not okay for another Dom to be doing this; No it is not okay for your sub to allow it to continue or to participate in any way even if that is only to continue to talk to him; Yes you should immediately shut it down by making her block him and cease all conversation with him outside cage as well.
In summarry - this is all unacceptable behavior that happens far too often, especially to new submissives. The forum and blogs are full of stories just like this and answers just like these.
And I would agree completely.

HOWEVER, the less obvious answer is: like all things it depends on the nature of your dynamic. Sometimes a Dom and sub will decide that interactions outside their dynamic are perfectly fine. What you are describing happens in poly dynamics regularly. Sometimes a Dom may simply enjoy having his sub used by other Doms. These types of things are why negotiations in particular, and communication in general, exist.

You and your sub have to communicate with each other and negotiate in order to define the nature of your dynamic. Make some rules and boundaries and limits, including punishments for violating them. Ideally this all should have been done long before entering a dynamic but since it seems not to have been it is in your best interest to do it immediately.

It seems like you may not be comfortable with the relationship your sub has with this other Dom so perhaps the first thing you should do is make your feelings about that clear. Refer back to paragraph two for possible answers to your questions and actions to take.

Spearance • Aug 9, 2022

We talked In The beginning I told her as long as she is my sub. I am her only DOM. Thank you everybody for the replies it helps me alot.

Sportsgirl55​(sub female) • Aug 9, 2022

It depends on what has been negotiated between you and your submissive. If it was stated that they are solely your then it should not be happening. I've been in dynamics where I was allowed to "play" with others as long as my Domme approved of it ahead of time. So it really depends on what was agreed upon between the two of you.

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Aug 11, 2022

Speaking for myself, HELL NO it's not ok for another Dom to control my sub. Any attempt should be swiftly shot down by my sub. So no, she should not be allowing advances or flirtations.

And I'll tell you this. Your sub will resent you in the long run if you allow her to be controlled in any way by another Dom.

But how do YOU feel about it? Convey this to your sub. And it should be done very early in the relationship. There are rules for a reason. If your sub disregards your wishes, she's not truly YOUR sub. Good luck.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Aug 11, 2022

Can you clarify what you mean by this Dom trying to control your sub? Is he giving her tasks or rules? “Talking flirty”’and “trying to control” have different meanings to me.
I’m not saying that either is appropriate but a sub allowing another Dom to try to control her is a bigger deal. Some people are just naturally flirtatious so there might not be any ill intent regarding that. It would just need to be addressed and hopefully the Dom would stop. As my Sir stated above a Dom trying to control another Dom’s sub should be told to fuck off and then blocked. Your sub, if she’s devoted to you, should have done it without your instruction.

Spearance • Aug 12, 2022

He says things like call me daddy. I will tag that ass when I see you. You will submit to me. I will torture you into submission. Will you send me pictures. and my partner will say not my daddy and lol and hahaha no but does not tell him to stop I did how ever talk to my partner and let them know that I will be the only Dom they have. I will not have a sub that will let another Dom try. She needs to shut it down the first time.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Aug 12, 2022

Wow that’s very inappropriate then. I’m glad you told your sub how you felt and how they should handle it. I hope they understood and shut all that down. I think unfortunately some subs get into the mindset that they have to be polite to all Doms so it’s difficult for them to be firm even when one is clearly overstepping boundaries.