Starting a conversation

Starting a conversation

Snowangell​(sub female) • Aug 20, 2022

I’m very hesitant to reply to messages because I don’t know what I should ask at the start. Trust doesn’t come easy with me and I want to know what will be good to ask that will help me feel safe so I know it’s okay to continue in conversation.

CSI • Aug 20, 2022

You will only know that as you go along. The people that want to rush aren't your people. I usually have very boring conversations for the first month or two. What makes them happy, what they are looking for that they don't already have, what their ideal dynamic would consist of.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Aug 20, 2022

Too many conversations and connections on sites like this go unfulfilled or uninitiated because of our concern over saying the right thing, or holding someone to the high standard of saying the right thing.
In reality, conversations can be difficult, and a great initial conversation is hardly an effective benchmark for a successful relationship.
I've had awkward initial conversations with all of my partners. I'm kind of an awkward person, especially at first.
Combine this with the tendency to base initial interest on the blurb of 'about me's and the couple terrible photos I have of myself (being someone who really does not like having his picture taken), and you have a perfect recipe for missed connections.

The point of all of this is thus; don't worry so much about asking the right thing to start. Just keep the ball rolling. Hopefully, the individual on the other end has been through the first impression process enough times that they will know to go easy on you should your offering be less than the shakespearian model of perfect insight.

balloonkotinsp • Aug 20, 2022

I think, as I have heard many sub females say, starting off too aggressive of an approach is a real turn off. Which I completely understand. So perhaps a similar approach from the other perspective. A simple hello. And a few basic questions to get a little background info. If they're a d bag, they'll show you soon thereafter. Not wasting too much time. I don't think any of us enjoy being rejected off hand.

ursa​(sub female) • Aug 20, 2022

Well put.

SnowAngell, I hope you soon learn to feel comfortable on the Cage, but don't feel that you have to trust anyone completely in order to talk to them. Perhaps this isn't quite the answer to your question, but as you continue to talk (about anything!) with someone, you will probably find yourself speaking more comfortably with some more than others. There's never an obligation for you to respond to a message, so you are able to just follow your instincts and see where trust does (and does not) develop.

If you are looking for ideas for conversation starters, media is always good - books, movies, tv shows, music - kinky and non-kinky content alike. I find that us kinksters are often drawn to similar genres or themes, so even your more "vanilla" interests might lead to kink-friendly conversations.

Hope you have fun.

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Aug 20, 2022

First Convo ask him exactly what he's looking for. Disregard what his profile says because he might only be looking to play at the moment. If what he says is in alignment with you, keep listening. Just keep it casual with no pressure on him or yourself. Pay attention to inconsistencies and contradictions, which are red flags. If it all sounds too good to be true (fairytale), disregard him.

Re: Starting a conversation

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Aug 20, 2022

Sorry to say, but nobody can tell you what to ask to make you feel safe unless they know you rather well. They can tell you what makes them feel safe and what has made others feel safe, but you are the only one that knows what will make you feel safe.

My mom gave me advice when I started at a new school when I was 12 yr old: "Know yourself, be honest with yourself, and you will be your true self." Ok....she sort of stole that from Shakespeare's Hamlet: "To thine own self be true....," but it still remains good advise. So ask yourself: "what do I need to know about the other person to make me feel safe?" Answer that question and you will be fine.

trixietrixster​(sub female) • Aug 20, 2022

For me, it's like any other type of conversation. I have to like someone as a person overall, as I'm not interested in a purely D/s dynamic, so, normal, ordinary chat to see if there is a connection ... chat progress naturally, organically. If not, I politely remove myself from the conversation ...

Some will demand you address them with a title rite away. For me, this is one of many red flags. Don't feel obligated until such time as some type of dynamic has been established. As much as they are interviewing you, you should be doing the same. Safety is paramount ...

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 21, 2022

Some guy messages me...

Great way to respond:

"Hey, dude, how's it hangin'?"

A good, relaxed and correspondence usually follows.


Once in a while you'll be on the other side of the keyboard with a dick.

A good brush-off?

"Watch the zipper-teeth on your way out."

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That's all the advice I got! Relax.. Make sure you have fun.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Aug 21, 2022

Remember, it's JUST conversation. You aren't naked, you aren't even in a dungeon. You are just talking. Treat them like you would any stranger on the street. Keep things vanilla and first see if you match with your vanilla interests.

The rest kinda takes care of itself. Trust is earned through baby steps, not diving into the pool headfirst.