Red flags or just not cut out for it?

Red flags or just not cut out for it?

Diaaa • Oct 25, 2022

I’m new to the scene and wanted some advice about my current relationship. My friend thinks there are red flags but I wasn’t sure if it was because she wasn’t used to that level of kink and I’m just not cut out for or if I genuinely should be concerned. Sorry in advance for the long post.

Basically, I entered a sexual relationship with this guy. I knew him prior to this, we were friends for a while.

The first time we had sex, he did choke me, spit on me and slap me across the face without asking prior if I was okay with this, but I considered we’d talked about my past experiences with kink, even though mine wasn’t always positive and I thought that perhaps that was his go ahead that I was okay with it.

After, he sent me a message saying he was worried he might have scared me. I told him that I was okay and enjoyed myself. He also said he was excited to go further with things. I enthusiastically consented to exploring things with him (I want to stress this, I was more than up for it). I did try and ask him what he had in mind because I wanted to talk about what to expect so I could prepare myself but he said he didn’t like messaging and would rather show me. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable if he wasn’t okay talking about it over message so I left it. He also knew I didn’t have much experience with everything but in his words, “he could tell I was a quick learner”.

The next time I saw him and we had sex, he hit me very hard across the face and even punched me (the punch wasn’t super hard) on my face and chest. I will admit, the punch took me by surprise, but again, he didn’t do it too hard and I found the experience very pleasurable overall. The next day, we went back to his place for a bit and he offered me some of his joint. I had only smoked weed a handful of times and this time, it had a negative effect on me. I am on antidepressants and a mood stabilizer, so that is probably why it hit me in a bad way. Basically it just made me a little out of it and I felt disconnected. He asked me if I was okay when I was a bit dazed and I told him I was fine, so he didn’t know how it had affected me. He then proceeded to initiate sex. This was one of the more intense sessions and in honesty, I only remember about 50% of it. The was pretty heavy impact play, breath play, bondage etc, but bits of it are missing from my memory. I think I blacked out twice during. The main time being when he brought out some rope. Again my memory is patchy but I do remember for sure him putting it around my neck and using it to choke me. This is when I properly lost consciousness for a few seconds. When I came back, he was holding me up right with his body but once I regained my bearings, we carried on. He told me to close my eyes and dragged something across my skin which I realized was a blade but he didn’t break my skin or anything like that. I also want to point out that when the session began, he told me I could tap out if I needed to, but obviously I was a bit out of it due to the weed and thoughts weren’t processing to the point that I could do so, but again, that’s on me, not him.

I will admit there were times during sex when things went further than I was comfortable with but this is my fault for not asserting my boundaries well enough, not his.

There was an incident where he hit me so hard across the face that my back tooth fell out, I couldn’t open my jaw properly for a week and I had facial bruising again. This did shock me a bit, and I was a little dazed by it, but he obviously didn’t mean to do it that hard and was shocked when my tooth came out. He seemed to cool it a bit with the hitting after that, but we continued with other impact play, with him using belts/floggers etc.

I will admit there were a couple of times when I wasn’t happy. There was a moment when we were having sex and he was using a flogger and a belt to the point that blood was drawn and he could see I was having a hard time handling it and that I was about to tap out (our alternative to a safe word, safe action so to speak) and he discouraged me from doing so and sort of, mocked me for going to. There was also another time when I did tap out. I couldn’t talk to tell him to stop because my mouth wasn’t free but I was panicking because I felt like I couldn’t breath. I was used to breath play, but I just began to panic because I felt like I was choking and I repeatedly tapped his arm and leg to tell him I needed him to stop (as he’d always told me to) but he didn’t stop. I figured that maybe he hadn’t realized but it did start to impact my comfort level with expressing when I wasn’t okay with something. But this was a minority of the time. Most of the time I was very happy and enjoyed it.

Then a month ago, we were having sex and he told me turn over. I did so, assuming we were going to do doggy but that’s not what happened. He initiated anal sex without telling me. In fairness he did use his finger there first for a moment and the fact that I didn’t stop him, I’m sure he thought this was his greenlight to go ahead. However, he’d used fingers there before very gently and briefly, but never anything major or deep penetration. The thing is I’d never done anal before and it’s not something we’d ever talked about. When I felt his finger, I just thought he was doing what he did previously, but no. He fully insert himself there and went on to have pretty vigorous anal sex with me without lube or warning. This did bother me. I wasn’t against anal sex and if he’d have asked me, I would have agreed but it’s something I’d have wanted to go into slowly and to prepared for like being able to douche prior for example. But he did it without asking. I didn’t tell him to stop when he’d started. I sort of froze up. I dissociated whilst it was happening. I did make noise but this was more of an involuntary moan of discomfort, but I’m sure to him, he thought I was enjoying it. I was just frozen though, panicking because I hadn’t been able to prepare. And because of that, there was some ‘mess’. It was minimal, but I still felt humiliated. He left to clean up and I was just stuck there on the bed, frozen. I excused myself to the bathroom and when I got in there, I freaked a little. I felt like I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror but I put it down to embarrassment.

After this, things slowly started to feel different between us. Slowly over the next couple of weeks, he stopped messaging me regularly, seeming distant and weird. In my head, it felt like things took a turn after that incident which made me feel like I’d done something wrong.

Recently, I got upset when I was with a friend. Our relationship wasn’t solely sexual and he messed me around a little bit and things just built up and I got upset and in doing so I told my friend a little bit of the situation. Not fully but I did tell them about the incident with anal and how things had felt different ever since. She saw the situation very differently than I did. She’s into kink but very lightly. She seemed to think his behavior had been a red flag and he should have communicated before just doing it. I made it clear that I’d consented to the kink element of a sexual relationship and that some of it had took me by surprise because there hadn’t been discussion but that I hadn’t communicated well either and that was on me and not him.

I know that people are probably going to say I have no business engaging in bdsm when I can’t communicate my boundaries and I agree. I’m very new to it all, but I’ve told the person I’ve been seeing that I need a break from the sexual side of the relationship and I’m stopping the bdsm elements in general until I’ve processed my past trauma and can assert boundaries more.

The reason for my post is because my friend seems to think this guy is a red flag and I should stay far away from him, but I was more under the impression that this was my communication problem and perhaps I’m not cut out for this. As my friend isn’t super into bdsm, I wanted some other people’s perspectives on whether or not this is a person I should be steering clear off?

Doogs​(switch male) • Oct 25, 2022

I think its a very big red flag, there needs to be boundary's and limits set way before any sexual acts start, and then again on the day. Even afterwards there needs to be some talking and de briefing especially in the early days of the relationship.
Its entirely up to you Diaaa if you want to explore with this person further but defiantly set boundary's before going further.
I also think with a newish partner set limits lower than you normally would to start with and build from there.

Good luck

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 25, 2022

I'd be scared, too. No one should ever go twisted on a partner without discussing it first.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Oct 25, 2022

So many red flags that I don’t know where to start. There should have been communication before any of this happened. Limits should have been discussed and agreed to. It sounds like he just did whatever he wanted without caring if you consented or not. He knocked out your tooth and (without prior consent) choked you unconscious. How do you rationalize that as okay?
Not honoring your safeword or making you feel bad for using it is another huge red flag.
I agree with you that you need to be more assertive with what your boundaries are and being able to communicate them in the future.
Please stay away from this guy. He sounds very dangerous.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Oct 25, 2022

“I enthusiastically consented to exploring things with him (I want to stress this, I was more than up for it). I did try and ask him what he had in mind because I wanted to talk about what to expect so I could prepare myself but he said he didn’t like messaging and would rather show me.”

One more thing: You cannot enthusiastically consent to something you have no idea is going to happen.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 25, 2022

From what you have written, to me this relationship goes beyond 'red flag' into abuse. I.e., he abused you. i believe "abuse" can be intentional or unintentional, the latter usually because of ignorance or wrongly espoused, not mutually agreed upon activities.

One indicator i see is where you blame your self for any ventures into activity that you did not want as miscommunication on your part. After you clearly were trying to 'tap out" and he 'heard' you loud and clear, his response was to mock you and disregard your previously agreed upon "safety." In my view, this guy is clearly immature (at best), self absorbed and ill equipped to be participating in this level and type of kink with another human being.

my take on kink is it is a deep form, method, opportunity to connect and bond with another. As i see it, the opposite happened in your experience. There is a huge disconnect between you and this guy. To me, communication facilitates connection and bonding, he ignored your attempts at communication, You blame your self for not being assertive enough, yet his response to your assertiveness was: "I was about to tap out (our alternative to a safe word, safe action so to speak) and he discouraged me from doing so and sort of, mocked me for going to. "

From where i sit, this guy CLEARLY does not care about you, nor is he worthy of the level of submission you have given him.

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Oct 25, 2022

“ I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable if he wasn’t okay talking about it over message so I left it.”
I believe that’s where it began.
You are okay about him not talking to you.!?!

I also didn’t see you use the word ‘respect’ in any of your writing.

As hard as it might be….. cut him loose.
Make your excuses now while you can.
It will be like lighting the blue touch paper on a firework …….. then wait for the show.

You can still get these experiences and sensations that you enjoy, but look at getting them from someone trustworthy.

FC

Diaaa • Oct 25, 2022

Thank you for replying and your advice. I guess I rationalise it because a lot of my sexual experiences have been… not the most healthy and always consensual. I do have a little trouble recognising healthy vs unhealthy behaviour. I told him after the initial time that I was okay/happy/into it and I am. I enjoy most of the aspects we engaged in but there were just some times things went a little far for me. Because I’m so new to everything, I basically chalked it up to me inexperience/not communicating properly. I’m starting the process of being assessed for Autism and I struggle with communication sometimes, which is usually why I actually like bdsm because there’s clear and concise ‘rules’ and consent usually. Things just got a little mixed up this time. Plus when my jaw was injured and things, he’d say ,”I’d feel bad if I didn’t know it was consensual” - which kind of molded my mindset a little

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Oct 25, 2022

Do you not get the sense that he is saying what he thinks you want to hear …. After the damage is done.

Let him carefully explain what he likes, what he would like to do.
Everything he has done up to now has been for his own, one sided, satisfaction/gratification.

Don’t leave it too long because I hear it’s difficult to talk when your jaw is wired up.
I can hear him in court now “Well judge, she didn’t tell me she didn’t like it or ask me to stop”,

There is nothing wrong enjoying heavy pain, but like I suggested…. Do it with someone trustworthy.

Diaaa • Oct 25, 2022

Thank you for your reply, it’s really helpful to get an outside perspective. I am very self aware of my own issues and short comings, so I tend to rationalise things as being a ‘me’ problems. I have told the person that I need space and have ended the sexual relationship. Hopefully, when I’ve had time to sort my issues out and I go into things with someone in the future, I’ll be able to experience that bond and connection via kink