First timer advice

First timer advice

Kinkywinky • Jan 27, 2018

Hi everyone. BDSM is always something I have thought a lot about but never practiced. I am aroused by, and enjoy the feeling of being submissive and dominated. I am female, my partner male. He can be quite masterful at times, borderline dominant. Although this dynamic I prefer, he has of late dropped subtle hints about me restraining him and being dominant. I'm not against experiencing it, just don't know where to start or what to do or say when in that role. I was planning on surprising him tonight and have fitted an underbed restraint system for wrists and ankles but I'm scared that once I've got him in that position that I'm not going to know what to do or say for the best and I'll just embarrass myself Any advice/tips/ideas would be greatly appreciated from both female and male members. I have bought a paddle and a little whip but am concerned about not applying hard enough/too hard, or just basically making myself look like a fool. Help!!! I don't want to bottle out.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Jan 27, 2018

Oh goodness!

Well, honestly, let me give you a bit of advice- surprises are all well and good, but BDSM is serious stuff, and negotiation is important!

Those tools you have are things you need to learn how to use. You should practice on inanimate objects, first. You should try them out on yourself. You should read some books!

I know in the UK it is harder to break into the scene because it has to be a lot more underground than here in the U.S., but if you can find someone to teach you in person, that would be ideal.

Do you know where to strike and not strike, to avoid damage? Do you know what safewords are? Do you know how to check someone's circulation?

Your partner might want to experience bondage and the mental aspect of being dominated, but being struck might cause him to panic or be angry. Do you know for sure what exactly he is interested in trying?

The best thing to do, for now, is to be direct. Talk to him plainly and clearly. Tell him how you feel, what you want, and what you are willing to try. See what he wants and is willing to try. Get on YouTube and find some tutorials- you can learn a bit about just about anything on YouTube these days. Read "SM 101" by Jay Wiseman, "The Heart of Dominance" by Anton Fulmen, "The Topping Book" and "The bottoming book." Find a BDSM checklist online, and both of you fill it out both thinking of yourselves as the dominant and the submissive, then talk over all the answers. Does he want to be tickled? Does he want to be blindfolded? Will being struck on the ass give him a flashback from when he was abused in grade school? You need to find these things out!

Negotiation is sexy. Surprises are sexy when you know where the landmines are and what will make people happy. It's best to be patient, to communicate clearly, and to establish consent.

Hints are best used as an opening for frank conversation. I bet he'd be really happy about you WANTING to surprise him and making the gesture, but also wanting to be sure it will go well for both of you, and that everything that will happen will be desired and consensual!