What does it mean to you to call a safeword?

What does it mean to you to call a safeword?

ursa​(sub female) • Apr 8, 2023

Am currently a little confused and bewildered. I would like to reach out to my community about this. So I ask all of you lovely people - what exactly does "calling the safeword" mean to you?

From my understanding, calling a safeword in a "bedroom" situation or a "scene" means "stop what we are doing for now," and generally that should be immediately followed up with a check-in... but what about in a lifestyle situation? What about when you feel that a command given outside of the bedroom is overwhelming or too much and you need a time out?

I believe that I have only called my safeword once in a "scene," but I have called it twice outside of a "scene"... I called it because I felt overwhelmed, I felt in the moment that what my Dom was commanding me to do was working against my mental health and I wanted to take a step back until I felt better. However, I have been told that calling the safeword is a "nuclear option," and that it is only to be used in extreme circumstances. In the case of calling the safeword in a conversation where I was given a command, I was told that that means that the conversation stops because conversation is the thing I called the safeword on.... does this make sense? I need to learn more about what it means to call a safeword, and am a little embarassed because this feels like it should be basic stuff, but obviously I am running into issues understanding this. Google searches are proliferated with responses from Cosmo - no thanks. If you have more of a "lifestyle" approach to a D/s dynamic, do people even use safewords outside of "scenes"?

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Apr 8, 2023

Just my two cents... which may or may not make sense to you.

Seeing that Wulf and I live together. We both ( and I think other doms also do ) have time were we need to step back and look at it differently. Trying to understand gully what the other is saying or why. . Now as far as " calling a safe word " because of the is honestly a new thing to me atleast. All I have ever had to say is " I need some tell to think on this or can u explain that different "

MandatorySub • Apr 9, 2023

In my world, a safe word means - stop immediately - and check in to touch base on what you're experiencing. Its meant to keep you (me?) safe with a dynamic. But it means shut it down and don't try to convince me to continue.

Im my opinion, what you're describing is exactly when to use a safe word outside of bedroom play. These things can be discussed and customized of course.

But if something is making you feel unsafe physically, psychologically, emotionally in terms of a command, a degrading word that is triggering, how a punishment is being handled - use it. Especially if you're mentally overloaded.

If it is not respected, a different conversation needs to be had.

Now if you're having an argument and you're overwhelmed, that would not be a time when i would use a safe word. I would ask for a break.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Apr 9, 2023

What I'm reading in your post is that you're using the "nuclear option" because a dominant giving you a command that is contrary to your mental wellbeing is exactly the kind of extreme situation where you should be using the nuclear option. From the small amount of information you've given us here, I would say that, if this has happened twice already, I would start to question whether this dominant is right for you. If he didn't get the message the first time such that you had to use it a second time, then it's time to start asking if he's either ignoring your needs or doing it deliberately. Those are the questions I'd be asking myself if I was in your situation. I hope it works out for you.

Miki • Apr 11, 2023

Safe words are to be used when you are overwhelmed or feel unsafe. It shouldn't matter whether it is "in scene" or in other aspects of the dynamic. In order to be truly "safe words", they must be respected as non-negotiable.
If the dominant has to hear a safe word twice in a given situation then there's a conversation out-of-dynamic to be had.

It is not a "nuclear option" in my opinion anyway. A "nuclear option" is "I'm done with this, I'm overwhelmed and this relationship cannot work, therefore I'm outta here." with no opportunity to address what makes you uncomfortable or feeling unsafe. This dominant sounds like he's trying to make it difficult for you to call safe words. That is wrong-O.

I've never been in a dynamic. More of the hit-and-run, "Slam Bam" kind of thing, but even then, I never have had to use safe words, or in my case safe signals/gestures but I know how they work and they were established before any clothes came off. So, yes, what you wrote makes sense... and maybe the dominant in question should be the one looking up the purpose of safe words in BDSM-- just not anything from Cosmo.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Apr 11, 2023

Those above have covered the response well. An appropriate definition as utilized in BDSM: a safeword is a code word, series of code words or other signal used by a person to communicate their physical or emotional state, typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary.

Although most often associated with scenes, if your emotional state is in panic, calling your safeword should be acceptable during any situation. And I agree with Miki wholeheartedly: using a safe word is NOT a nuclear option. If anything, it shows you trust your partner enough to call stop and not worry about repercussions. If your partner believes you are "using a nuclear option" then perhaps they don't understand the safeword.

As an additional thought, you may want to consider developing your relationship further and deeper with someone before entering into the depth where your communications require safewords.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Apr 11, 2023

Wonderful comments already on this but I’ll add my thoughts as well. A submissive should not feel uncertainty or fear about using her safeword. If a Dom feels like it’s being used too often and/or for things that were already negotiated, then that’s a discussion to have later. Maybe the couple just isn’t compatible anymore or the dynamic needs to be renegotiated.

Calling your safe word because of your emotional state is completely valid as well. I believe submissives need to help look after our Doms’ property and that includes our mental wellbeing.
I do think that if it’s a conversation that triggered you saying your safe word that the conversation should stop in that moment. However, it should be talked about later after you’ve had time to settle your emotions.

One other thing I wanted to mention is that every dynamic is different. What works for one might not work for another. Find out how you want a dynamic to work and talk about it with potential Doms. Together you can make it what you both want it to be.

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Apr 12, 2023

My two cents on this....

A safe word is a SAFE WORD. PERIOD. It means STOP. Whether that's a conversation, scene, command, task etc. etc. The reason for a safe word is to keep you SAFE, hence the word!!!

If you DON'T feel SAFE in ANY capacity? Then YES, absolutely, unequivocally USE it.

Now, I do have further thoughts on this....

When in conversation, whether it's a command or task etc. (not sure if your dynamic is 24/7 or not), there could be another "word/phrase" that could be used to STOP the dynamic per se. Something like "porch time" . Meaning you want to "talk" as two (or more) people, not as TITLES! We are ALL human before our kinks (in most cases), and sometimes we just need to step outside O/our dynamics to have a person-to-person conversation, where the "dynamic/rules/tasks" etc. DON'T EXIST. And for me, this is VERY important to be discussed in the early "vetting" stages.

These are questions I often ask: How do you respond when your submissive calls a "time out"? What are the negotiations? Do you punish? Or do you respect? What are your needs/wants in that aspect?

As ButterfliesAndCuffs perfectly said....

"Find out how you want a dynamic to work and talk about it with potential Doms. Together you can make it what you both want it to be."

That right there is KEY

But, back to safe words... they're NOT "nuclear options" they're ABSOLUTE... NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS about them, THEY MUST ALWAYS BE RESPECTED - REGARDLESS WHEN, HOW OFTEN, OR WHAT SITUATION THEY'RE CALLED.... THEY NEED TO BE HONOURED!!!! PERIOD.

Hope that helped some!

Bunnie • Apr 12, 2023

We just talk. We’ve been talking about anything and everything the whole time we’ve been together. As things arise, we address them. Not in a smooth, cool way lol… we’re both humans learning how to love each other… nothing is easy about that imo. It’s been rocky. It’s been painful. We’ve both considered, and have, ended things a few times. And then we talk some more. My previous Master taught me that if we keep choosing each other, most anything can simply be a bump in the road as long as you’re willing to be open, honest and transparent about how things truly are. The hard part is determining if you still want to keep choosing each other. If you do, it means there’s still lots of work to be done on the bridge that brings you together. It’s ok to be completely different as long as you can learn to understand and respect that each of you is different and approaches things differently. If you feel unsafe, tell him. If he’s not hearing you, ask him why and how he can better understand. Try to step beyond yourself and hear him too. These relationships are damn hard work! And if you decide you don’t want to keep choosing him, opt out.

ursa​(sub female) • Apr 12, 2023

Thank you for that perspective, Bunnie. I think it's good to remember that, being humans, things aren't always smooth. Things can hurt while we learn.
And thank you to everyone who shared their two cents these last few days.