Vetting….

Vetting….

VernonKingsville • May 4, 2023

When I started my sexual adventure, vetting was very much like dating, an important step to entering a dynamic. This has become especially important I believe with the growth of the internet. The potential of thousands of possibilities, 99% being fake, you have to wade your way through the chaos and sort potentials into a few categories.

Cat 1) Did you not read my profile.

Cat 2) Your a fake, f*ck off.

Cat 3) Fake, but fun to see where you’re going.

Cat 4) Faker, but fun leading you on.

Cat 5) Not real, you know, I know you’re not real, but a one time chat and w*nk.

Cat 6) Hell No.

Cat 7) Not my Kink (this is basically my profile and your profile do not match).

Cat 8 Maybe (I need to investigate this further).

Cat 9) I would like to get to know you.

Prospective connections can and do move from one category to the next as vetting continues. But, obviously it is probably impossible to vet someone who is in my category nine if I‘m in their category six.

Some of this information has been researched from respected posters on this site and many others.

Pinkly​(sub female) • May 28, 2023

I’m a newbie and found that by vetting I have scared someone that I genuinely liked off. ‍♀️
His loss.
At first I was upset and felt like I had done something wrong, but was gently reminded that I have every right to do so.

VernonKingsville • May 28, 2023

In all walks of life, we Vet people and situations everyday. If we go into a room full of 100 strangers around 10% of them would instantly send out signs to our subconscious to avoid them. We perhaps couldn’t qualify why, eventually we may even discover we like them, but at first glance, we detect something awry with them. Something odd. At the other end of the metaphorical room are 10 people that we would jump straight into bed with. And there is the problem.

Vetting protects ourselves from ourselves. From rash decisions and judgments. Vetting isn’t necessarily about them, it’s about you.

Miki • May 29, 2023

NOTE: All references herein to "you" are rhetorical

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When it comes to "vetting" people you meet or who want to meet you, it's important to be relaxed and courteous about it... As in don't make it seem like a job interview. Just because someone wants to meet you doesn't mean they want to badly enough to jump through hoops or be a fucking dancing bear to suit your requirements.

Speaking for myself, dudes and doms are cheaper by the dozen---- and are often on sale for less.

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I am solidly Not Looking, but if I were and I were to meet someone who came equipped with a laundry list of asinine "observe the reaction" questions, I'd indicate "KMA"

---or if Joe Blow really frosts my ass with a lot of fool questions, I'd write down on the whiteboard "Eat Me" ----- get up, and leave.

But that's definitely the hard-shell "Not Looking" in me. Turtle Wax, Boss! Your results will vary.

Some of the best "vetting" is done by spending some quality time with the other, seeing their interests, having them see and experience yours-- over a period of TIME--- rather than jumping into bed with them or sometimes worse, "So, when you wanna move in?"

And of course, The Internet. Fake or not, I never plied those waters. Too many sharks. The one on the other end can check all the boxes, do all the visual chat shit, send documentation of identity even,--- yet they're putting their best foot forward, showing you their "good side" yet unbeknownst to you, downstairs in the basement is not a game room or man cave (a male example) but a dingy hell hole replete with 55 gallon drums of body parts to be dispensed with and a chain saw. Pass.

Of course the opportunity to meet a psycho online is below 1% -- but it only takes one to wreck your day.

But internet-initiated relationships can be and are workable. They simply call for even more caution than (for me anyway) the dude I meet at the store or whatever, because the latter is most likely a local yokel... Known about town whereas the internet creature from Ass Breath, Iowa.. blowing into town, (or imploring you to go to them to "meet") -- Anyway the potential internet creep abruptly coming to town... to "meet"-- Talk about cut and run. No thanx.

And for me, by way of disclaimer, another reason I am out of this social game is that, as some who have messaged with me before have been duly informed, I am exceedingly difficult to communicate with in person, thereby being a most laborious dinner companion.

VernonKingsville • May 29, 2023

Glass of wine?

Miki • May 29, 2023

... and then what?

Strictly for the sake of argument, just say I was "looking" and someone were to do some "vetting"--- formerly called "getting to know the other" or go back a century "courting". --- That would tend to involve conversation. I cannot talk. That would leave either signing, which I can't stand, (and few know how)-- or writing back and forth on a whiteboard (my preferred method, or a text exchange) As I said, an all-around pain in the guy's balls.

But I digressed. The original topic was "vetting". Once upon a time couples got to know one another over a period of time-- months, years even if they were particularly young.

Now, as with so many other things, it's "Just Add Boiling Water.. Prepares in 15 seconds" like my breakfast Cream of Wheat during the colder months. --- One might just as well wear a tee shirt that says "Feel Free to Fuck Me In the Ass" on the back.

Perhaps people ought to go retro on relationships, dynamics, or various other adventures of a committed nature.

Much lower chance of getting stuck with someone who is the person they say they are, except they are also what they don't volunteer. That once the pleasantries are done they show their true colors, ---a gold-digger (or at least a sand-bagger) , a cheater, or merely someone who gets bored fast and hops into the next available bed. etc. All these are revealed whether they want to or not with the passage of time and a whole lot of communication.

VernonKingsville • May 30, 2023

I think you would make a wonderful dinner guest Miki.

Miki • May 30, 2023

Maybe for about 20 minutes. Trust me, communicating with me gets old, fast. But thankfully I'm reclusive. (not a recluse, I go out and about as needed. There is a difference) Anyway I enjoy not bothering anyone. And vice versa of course

dollMaker​(dom male) • May 31, 2023

BDSM is a dangerous activity, much of it can cause injury, some activity if got wrong life changing injury, and some of it death. The activity that can't cause physical injury can cause emotional damage, some programmed behavioural issues that can impact future dynamics, vanilla life, never mind out and out abuse, and sexual assault.

With all of that in mind, putting yourself into another persons hands surely requires finding out if the person you are going to trust with your multi level wellbeing is up to that, has the claimed skill, experience is an important thing to do.

The risks re physical injury are more likely in in-person settings, but even online its possible that someone asks you to do something that through their ignorance of what is and isn't safe, how to do it safely, can cause injury, even life changing injury. So please don't dismiss the need to vet, even if you are never going to meet the person.

Vetting online people is harder than in person, say someone you meet at a munch/event, but depending on what has been said by the person to be vetted it may be possible to ask around, both on here, if its a cage person, and in their locality - same goes for in person people. Claims of attending dungeons, workshops, being a member of an in person community, attending munches, presenting all can be checked up on. If they have been in dynamics ask to speak to their exs, expect to find positives and negatives re their views. If they are all bad, well that's a red flag, best not ignored. Its also an idea to check the sexual offenders register, if you have access to one in your location.

Dominants should check out subs as well, while the risks are more gender split with males being more problematic than others, issues can exist among other genders, and its not just dominants are a source of problems, while talked about less than issues among tops, submissives can be abusive, manipulative and scammers, though its a more common risk to be scammed by dommes.

I myself was scammed on here, and milked out of about 300 dollars. Someone I got friendly with, no dynamic context, after awhile started having issues, needing money for meds etc I couldn't see them go without. Their sudden needs/bad luck I later found out were lies, confirmed by someone else, also a victim. A previous bad experience had me slow to trust people, and even with my caution I was hoodwinked.

I know a lot of peoples reaction will be to think, that's too much, a bit over the top, to vet people to this degree, sadly I don't think it is. I think vetting is important and should be undertaken, one should also be upfront about vetting.

Anyone with nothing to hide, should be happy to provide references, info that can be checked up on, reluctance or evasiveness are potential red flags. No one is 100% perfect, so being realistic is needed, but what is vital is 100% honesty, and open, frank conversation in order to figure out peoples suitability. I know if someone is brand new, then its harder, but approach things as you would a vanilla thing, leave the kink out until later on is what I would advise, particularly if both people are new.

I am regularly surprised, often shocked at the number of people I encounter who just throw sense to the wind and trust someone they don't know with their physicality, emotional self - please don't.

VernonKingsville • May 31, 2023

@dollMaker. The off-line world and cyberspace is full over quicksand ready for the unworldly to get sucked into. My background is the design of supermarket concepts and the manipulation of my clients customers into releasing more of their money into the till. The commercial world, political environment and society as a whole is not as it portrays itself. We should vet everything, much is not as it seems. The Cage though is about as good as on-line BDSM gets.

I’m sorry you were scammed, but never provide funds for anyone you have never met, in person. This goes for companies although today many are only online so one has to endeavour to collect as many personal recommendations and past customers reviews (always start with the bad ones). Then aim to pay using a third party, PayPal is my choice, as I’ve always had great refund experiences with them.

As a gentleman in person I will always buy a girl a drink without an expectation of any return, but a smile would be nice. A message sent can be just an appreciation, as was the drink at the bar, of how lovely you appear. This is a lonely world. Give three chances, after that they are not going to change.

Be seeing you!