Relationship and Separate D/s dynamic

Relationship and Separate D/s dynamic

primerose • May 14, 2023

How do people balance/navigate a relationship (dating, marriage) with a partner outside of the lifestyle and one with a separate Dom or sub?

I know that folks here do it without the consent of their vanilla partner, but I am curious about how others have made it work with consent of all parties ( in person or online).

violetta​(sub female) • May 16, 2023

I guess I do this like any other activity that doesn't involve my relationship. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you spend every second together. I like to be totally open about it and just ask my bf if he has something planed on that day or if it would be fine that I do something with my dom. I can't imagine how this works without open communication.

Miki • May 30, 2023

Then one is looking for an "open relationship". Those work, from time to time, but one ought not have too much invested in the relationship with the partner not into this shit (I avoid the oft-used phrase "in the lifestyle"-- Seems a closet thing to me-- Have to use the secret code word... I don't fly on that plane.. IMHO) There are any number of lifestyles out there. The "lifestyle" I've been into a few years now features abstinence, for my own reasons.

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--- But back on topic, sooner or later the non-twisted partner might want something more meaningful than an "open bedroom door"and move on. Likewise the kinked one will want a genuine D/s dynamic. For a sub, their dominant might blow the whistle on the "ordinary folks" side dish scene. For a dominant, well, a lot of them call the shots anyway and thereby enjoy swinging their schlong like a pendulum and go with where it points the most.

But regardless of what I think, these situations can work.

Have fun and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. No one size fits all.


Aside from all this, I see it time and again,--- people in here who start a relationship with someone not into this crap--- and either ask how they can change that person's mind (you can't) . They can fake it for a while but nothing ever really works if you gotta force it, or they are in line with the query at the top of this thread. It's all a crap shoot. Sometimes you win, other times you roll snake-eyes. But regardless of what one decides, it's important to make SURE to do all he or she can to avoid hurting anyone.

That kind of pain no one is into.

Little Vixie​(sub female){Mgh30} • May 30, 2023

So I was engaged and I had a dom. My partner and I were poly. My dom lives in Philly and I live 4 hours away. So I make time once a month to go out to him for the weekend and he makes time to come out to me.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • May 30, 2023

What people don't want to hear, and it is really essential, is to go talk to the non D/s dynamic parter. There are guidelines that have to be set up, rules that EVERYONE has to follow. Without this kind of communication, those kinds of relationships are doomed to failure.

Now there are sometimes the non D/s wants nothing to do with the D/s relationship at all. They don't even want to know that kind of stuff is happening but agree to it anyway. That never works out.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • May 31, 2023

I agree that ALL parties need to know and guidelines set , on all sides. I think if you are with someone (no matter the side of the slash ) that is in a relationship ( for lack of a better work vanilla). And it is a long distance one then ALL three parties should have a serious talk via phone or video chat ( even better in my opinion). Firstly this makes sure that all parties actually know about each of and are in agreement. * not just married dom/or sub, telling the sub/ Dom that they are married ( but it's loveless, and/ or their partner is ok with it.
Seen way to many of this type fail for multiple reasons.

Secondly if all parties are in agreement . I think within guidelines there should be / if possible set time set up for each partner ( so to say) and some type of open communication to say .

Just my thoughts

autisticbarbie • May 31, 2023

Miki told no lies. Agree 100%.

primerose • Jun 1, 2023

Aside from logistics, how did your partner handle it emotionally? Did it put a strain on your relationship at all?

primerose • Jun 1, 2023

And it doesn't cause any jealousy?

primerose • Jun 1, 2023

Well said. I suppose it is a crap shoot. You don't know until you do, I guess ha.