Lots of questions not sure where to begin.

Lots of questions not sure where to begin.

LittleLele​(sub female) • Feb 15, 2018

I am very new to this lifestyle, and so far I have enjoyed it very much.
That being said how to new sub's learn more about BDSM. (Other than from their Dom) I know there are many different types of play in this lifestyle, and I don't know where to start with trying to find which ones I enjoy and do not enjoy. I have read some articles online that have been a little in lighting but I wish to learn more.
I'm not sure if reading is a big aspect of all this or if it is just try and find out what you like.
If anyone has any advice of any kind, please send it my way if you're able to.

Rose K​(sub female){Owned} • Feb 15, 2018

Oh, reading is DEFINITELY a big aspect, and while it can be especially important in the beginning, no matter how experienced you are there's always more to learn. If you're looking for some books I found SM 101 by Jay Wiseman very helpful, and How to be a Happy & Healthy Submissive, by Kate Kinsey. I also recommend finding out if you have a local kink community. Munches are a great place to learn new things, ask questions, or just make friends that share your interests. This site is also a good resource, I can't speak for everyone, but I know myself and many others here are always willing to answer questions. I hope this was a little bit helpful, feel free to ask me anything else.

Dumbledore​(dom male) • Feb 16, 2018

I think there are no magical tricks - just as the rest of life - so there is no single version of the truth anywhere. But you already identified two very nice sources of information yourself, and Rose K did as well.

I'd like to add one piece of information that may be considered strange coming from a Dom, but well. Don't just talk to Dominants, whether it's your own or others; talk to submissives too. I've talked to a lot of submissives who had only had information from their Dominant(s) and who were unaware of a lot of important things because it either never came up or they didn't have a very good Dominant.

Just as you shouldn't use Google and think the first link you click on will teach you everything you need to know and will be 100% correct, you should try to get your information from multiple sources and use your own brain to determine what makes sense and what doesn't.

Asteria​(neither female) • Feb 16, 2018

First of all, BDSM is not only about (sexual) play - at least not for everyone. There is power exchange, the whole dynamics between two (or sometimes more) people and much more - everything depends on particular relationship and people involved. Once you'll get into that dynamics you'll start discovering your likes and dislikes,as well as your limits. There's no rush; experiment, but try to do that at your own pace. You are going to discover your limits, but then probably going to be surprised, that some of them can change while your relationship grows. I can see the way my own have changed in a nice spreadsheet I have received from my Dominant and at some point it was quite shocking for me how many things have changed, but it actually happened quite naturally.
Remember that you have right to have doubts, to ask multiple questions - and what is the most important - you have the right to say no, when you feel that something is really not OK, not healthy. It is OK to make mistakes and to ask for help or support.

Jaz13​(sub male) • Feb 19, 2018

read everything you can, while keeping an open mind...submissive guide is a good source. Don't be afraid to ask people in the scene, and experiment.

MsNevermore​(other female) • Apr 25, 2018

Pay everyone has covered reading so now what to do or understand all the different things you've read and how they apply to you, right?

I would suggest finding a good negotiations list. (Later on it will be a tool for use when talking to potential play partners) Go thru it only thinking about YOU and where you are right NOW.
What areas do you see that you Know you have an interest in, absolutely don't, or have no clue?
Do they interest you in the giving or receiving of, what would be your limits and are they absolute or flexible? Does something peak your interest enough more to then search out that topic?

There is a book by Lee Harrington "Playing well with others" that has a great one to start with along with great information on well...learning to Play well with others.

NiccyKitten​(sub female){Owned} • Apr 25, 2018

I agree that reading is a great resource for finding new ideas and information. My Domme and I usually talk about new things before we try them, but last week my Domme started training me and while I never really gave the subject much thought before that, it's been exhilarating so far. I am lucky to have a wonderful loving Domme, and if she sensed I didn't like what she was doing she would not have continued. We did talk about the training after the first time she tried it though, and I told her how excited I was to continue. Communication is always key, so make sure you and your Dominant maintain a regular dialogue about what is working and what is not.

Another factor that I believe is important is pacing. Make sure not to rush into things too fast, it'll take time to get to know yourself, your submission, and what works for you individually as well as both of you as a couple. You will more than likely find that your tastes change over time. You might find that you don't have any interest in one particular practice now or in the near future, but you might further down the road.

Nirvanescu offered some simply excellent advice: talk to other subs. On this site, I've been able to connect with other subs who understand what it is to be a sub, and what we need. Although I have been a submissive since as long as I can remember, there are times I have questions and I'm thankful to be able to talk to other subs to get their advice and input. It helps to share stories and experiences we can relate to. It's a good feeling knowing there are others out there like you going through similar journeys also. You're never alone.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness in your journey!

DrWakko • Apr 25, 2018

I suggest going to a munch in your area (google munch + city you live in). From there the munch will be a gateway to play parties and classes. Go to as many classes as you can and learn what you can. Also go to play parties and just watch. There is nothing wrong with watching (at most events). If you see something you like and are interested in, talk to the people performing the act (once they are done). Most Tops will be happy to talk to about what they do and just as excited to show you. There is nothing wrong with asking for a demo. You don't have to do a full scene.

I know its scary to venture into this alone (if you are alone). Remember this, every person you meet was in your shoes at one point in time or another.

DW