Relationship advice needed

Relationship advice needed

Littleblonde9 • Feb 21, 2018

Hi,

I am really confused about my current 'relationship' and would appreciate your advice.



I have met my dom several months ago and we got along pretty well. I am new to the bdsm world and he made me feel really comfortable etc. As things progressed he made it clear he really likes me in a vanilla way as well and mentioned something about me being his first official sub and wanting to have me around in the long run.



After 2 months I had to leave the country and we agreed to try and maintain our relation until I came back, which is a month from now.

(Side note: he has a very unregular job and is extremely busy. However he cleared a week in his schedule for me to visit him after my departure)



After the visit however our contact decreased. The phone calls we agreed on never happened unless I complained. The texting slowly became off. Every time it's the same excuse about being extremely busy.

Last time I complained he made a few hours time to talk to me and explain his busy schedule but also suggested quitting now before we end up fighting because he didn't want us to lose contact for good because of a fight.

Eventually we agreed to wait until I am back. However he's afraid I would expect too much of whatever we are having and we would fight about it. Now it's been a week since I heard from him. I'm not texting myself anymore because mostly I do that and the conversations are always short and meaningless.

I know it sounds stupid. In a normal relationship I would have ended it. This confuses me however, is he playing mind games or is he trying to let me go slowly? He had 3 months to break up while I was away. Or does he just want to keep me around for his convenience?

Any opinions?

MstrSol​(dom male) • Feb 21, 2018

D/s relationships actually require more communication than vanilla ones. Long distance relationships also have their own difficulties. If you are back in country in a month, wait till then and get clarity with him in person. If on the other hand you are fairly sure it is over, just ask him the exact same question you asked here. Remember communication is key.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Feb 21, 2018

I am sorry that you are in that situation.
I think you have respond to yourself, and your guts or instinct suggest it, he just want to keep you for his convenience. he might have some job, money issues for the moment.
Its very important that before starting a real relationship, everything must be clear, put on the table what you want and need.
You mention a visit? what happen in that time, without being too specific? did you really click and did he show any good connections?
PM if its too personnal.
regards

Reserved​(other male) • Feb 21, 2018

Agree with the other two gentlemen. Communication is the only way to nurture the relationships one contrives online and in the lifestyle (goes without saying vanilla is too) so I think you can do either the wait and confront the issue upon your return, or send a text explaining you understand his schedule but here is how you feel and you want to make sure what the status of the relationship is.

Best of luck.

RD

Littleblonde9 • Feb 21, 2018

Thank you for your replies!

Yes, I know that communication is key and I try to do so but he doesn't make it easy. All texting is very short due to his so called busy schedule.
In my opinion though, if he has time to put likes on FB posts etc, he should have time to text.
When I called him out on it a few times however, he did make time to talk over the phone and then all feels good. But I always have to ask.
It was never like this until I left. Everything was very spontaneous and we had a good connection.
I blame it on the distance and the fact that he's not an emotional person in general but I feel like I'm making excuses for him.
Also I never asked about the relationship status specifically because I didn't want to pressure him. But once I'm back I definitely will!!

Rob A​(dom male) • Feb 21, 2018

I guess most has been said already above and I'd agree with that.

Being someone that recognizes his circumstances, I'm afraid that if the communication dropped it is that the strong feeling you may have is not entirely similar or felt in the same way on the other side. If he has been clear about what you could or should expect from him since the last time you saw each other, that should be the point to measure against. If the last time didn't even trigger that or kept it unclear, I'm afraid the level of engagement and commitment is simply not the same.

That said: Best advice is to talk about it and get it clear. I don't think it's a 'playing mind games' issue.

You and him both deserve to be clear towards each other otherwise any close or remote relationship will not work.

Hope you get your answers, one way or the other.

Rob

LordofPain56 • Feb 22, 2018

I don't understand why everyone nowadays feels they need to "sugar-coat" or "beat-around-the-bush" especially when talking about important issues. I suggest, at the next available opportunity, come right out and ask him point blank....Are you interested in a COMMITTED long-term relationship with me, Yes or No, please.
Also bear in mind, if your work is expected to take you to distant places from him in the future, do you feel you will be able to trust he will keep his word then???

Lazuli • Feb 23, 2018

My two cents worth...Do NOT wait to speak about it in person. Talking in person and only then is like waiting till your punch drunk to have a sober conversation.
Your investing time and energy and that should flow both ways. Being a sub does not mean being a doormat. It sounds like you have some of your own insights and no one can know better than you.
Trust your instincts and love yourself.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 23, 2018

irregular job and is extremely busy...No time for kink but time for FB! ..No time to slip more than a fast few words in a text..had to make time for long chat


...are you sure he isn't married?

Re: Relationship advice needed

Bianca15​(switch female) • Feb 23, 2018

If I were a betting man (although I will admit that there are at least a couple of problems with that), that is what I would guess. Frankly, if it were me, I'd just ask him now. But I'm blunt, and I don't like playing games.