Is kink still important to female dominants?

Is kink still important to female dominants?

Steellover​(sub male) • Jul 5, 2023

I'm asking this question "For the good of the order" and hope this isn't taken as a "seeking play partner" post.

In these forums, and in a lot of other online sites, it seems like a lot of times, potential male subs and female dominants are seeking two different things when seeking a relationship.

A lot of male submissives tend to focus on kink and fetish oriented activities, while a lot- I'd say almost the majority- of female dominants are looking for more service-oriented submissives/slaves, and really tend to downplay the kink/fetish aspect.

I know from personal experience, that a lot of potential male subs come into this as newbies with overwhelmingly powerful sexual feelings and the urge to experience these things first hand. Whereas a lot of female dominants, especially the more seasoned ones, seem to be looking something totally different than a mere kinky play partner. That is, they really downplay the kink aspect and want a relationship that is more "Vanilla" sexually, but with very a strict, dominant, service-oriented approach to the relationship dynamic. The reality of what many female dommes are seeking seems to be quite different than the fantasy of what male subs are seeking.

So with that said, Are there female dominants who still genuinely enjoy the kink/fetish aspect of it? Keep in mind, I am not posting this with the motive of trying to find such a partner. Rather, it just seems like there is a lot of confusion and perhaps, misunderstanding in this scene as far as the expectations of male subs vs female dominants, as far as what both parties are seeking.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Jul 6, 2023

When I attend in-person events, I see a lot of dommes and women tops who enjoy kink play. Indeed, I even see kink play at service-oriented event, when it's allowed.

DeepEmbrace​(dom female) • Jul 6, 2023

To answer your question, yes! Dommes like kink, fetish, and sex, too.

Personally, as a Domme, I expect a D/s or M/s relationship to include vanilla interest compatibility and plenty of BDSM, kink, fetish, and sex, as well as service.

I think another issue is that too many male submissives too often approach Dominant women in ways that are utterly disrespectful, disgusting, self-centered, and show that they have no idea what the hell power exchange is... they just want to blow into the inbox or Bond messages demanding that a Domme do this and do that to them. Always a laundry list of you better do this to me right now. Like wtf. Get out of here with that "you're my kink dispenser" mentality. There are a LOT of male submissives who behave this way and it makes it very hard for the non-shitty male submissives who do not behave that way.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Jul 6, 2023

I'm actually quite the reverse, I do want to know the people I'm playing with as human beings, but that doesn't mean I want some kind of high-protocol scenario where kink is merely tolerated. I would never expect a kink partner or submissive (these two are not necessarily the same!) to just magically turn into my Prince/ss Charming and set their fun to the side for my benefit either.

Some of my most cherished relationships are/were highly kink oriented, but I remain a Domme and I want to dominate a submissive who serves me and makes me feel special. I also think many women and FemDoms are attracted to protocol, order and the theater of it all because it's fun and gives us power and control in a world where many of us lack that. Which is perfectly fine, but there's plenty of us that have special places in our hearts for all kinds of strange things.

Many of the male subs I run into approach me like I owe them something, expecting me to perform on demand with little effort on their end. They don't even say hi, some of them are downright fucking nasty (tbf, so am I.) I think a lot of this comes from the frustration at the inability to find a proper partner for these activities, media depictions of how interactions with Female Dominants should go, social conditioning and maybe, MAYBE the insanity we've all suffered through the last few years.

You also have to understand that a kinky play partner is VERY easy for a FemDom to get her hands on. They're literally everywhere. If I wanted to get up to some nonsense tonight I could (online or IRL), that's probably the case for most Dommes.

But kink isn't the only thing that can hold a relationship together! You need general compatibility, you need points of commonality. If you want more than a surface interaction outside of a room for an hour at a time, you're going to have to learn to cultivate that, and those filtration processes can be pretty harsh for our more seasoned sisters.

Miki • Jul 6, 2023

Not a D but an outside-the-realm observation. I have seen a number of sub and switch males, often new to BDSM come in looking for female dominants, kink, and all that--- without knowing how it works. Misgivings about kink, BDSM and D/s dynamics. Probably having seen on pornography or read in fucked up books that all they have to do is approach a domme and she would instantly produce a whip and bark out orders like "Kneel, Slave!"

Not in reality by any stretch (not counting pro-dommes who are scammers at best, freaks at worst)


So of course it is my guess that after a period of time and solid communication sure, there are plenty of female dominants into kink. It's simply not something that is gonna happen overnight.

Of course there are exceptions to every "rule"

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Shit... I used to have my role visible (Masochist Female) on my Profile and lo-and-behold here comes a sub male, who promptly Inboxes me me to ask if I could peg him with a long, bumpy strap-on.

I even got treated to an ass pic.. Fortunately nothing gross, just his "winning smile".

Puhleease.

I waited a bit and composed a polite explanation that he will get nowhere here or anywhere with a fucked-up approach like that.

I did not make fun of him, call him a "cheeky bastard" or anything like that-- not that I didn't think about it.

I empathized and definitely didn't want to hurt his feelings or destroy his self esteem (or assteam for that matter)

Little Vixie​(sub female){Mgh30} • Jul 6, 2023

Interesting. When I normally browse the personal section on here, I tend to see alot of male subs that essentially want to throw themselves at a domme or dom. The "im new to this, but I want to be owned and dominated. No hard limits, use me as your fuck toy". To me that doesn't give "kink vibes". It gives "I think of 50 shades of grey as true kink". I could be wrong, but that's what I have noticed

Steellover​(sub male) • Jul 7, 2023

That all makes sense.
Again, it goes back, I think, to a lot of newbs being so overwhelmed by powerful newly-discovered feelings and wanting to experience them, but without having: a) the patience to learn and cultivate a real, two way RELATIONSHIP with a REAL PERSON, and not some fantasy automaton with a whip/strapon/etc. or b) the knowledge and experience of what such a relationship entails, or their own limits (both hard and soft) or really anything about what a D/s relationship is.

As for me, I can certainly understand that many female dommes are overwhelmed by messages from clueless newbs. This has been talked about before.

But I've also seen, and encountered, female dommes who really are seeking nothing more than live-in servants, with no kink or fetish aspect offered at all. For example, "Be my live in slave, you will take care of all household chores for me and my husband, etc." Or, it's all rules and protocol, but nothing beyond that; so it's more like a domanEERING partner in a vanilla relationship versus a dominATING partner in a BDSM one. Or, in some cases, it's "Buy me things all the time, spend all your money on me" (Which is a whole different situation in and of itself.) If that is what they are after, then I can appreciate their honesty, but obviously our relationship goals are not compatible in those cases.

As for myself, I am mainly looking for a mutual romantic relationship at this point. The submission, kink, and fetish aspect would be a nice bonus, but it is only secondary to my main relationship goal, which, to be honest has evolved over time, as the number of mutually compatible dominant types in my area is not very large.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Jul 7, 2023

I am regularly contacted by people seeking this exact arrangement, where they want to be a sexless live-in slave. It confounds me. I'm not sure how old you are OP, but I do know that the older you get the more "that" kind of situation is what's on offer. I do believe that if you want an FLR that's more egalitarian outside the bedroom, monogamous and fulfilling that's something to aim for.

I sometimes really wish there was a serious marriage-minded personals website for kinksters and BDSM folk! I would heavily recommend attending Kinkfest in Portland next year (I see you're in the PNW), just to start networking with similar-minded folks IRL.

Steellover​(sub male) • Jul 7, 2023

I wish there as such a site, too. It's been mentioned before, but most BDSM dating sites are heavily skewed towards "men seeking women" and most of the men are as described above; inexperienced kinksters without any real idea what they are looking for or even how to approach a woman.

I am in Boise, Idaho but might be interested in at least networking with folks in Portland. I contacted a pro domme based in Portland once, but the distance was too great for any play time, and of course I'm looking for something more substantial than just pay-to-play at this point. When is the next kink fest? There isn't really any BDSM scene here to speak of; before 2020 happened there used to be a small local group that was mostly geared towards female subs and male doms but I don't think even this group is active anymore.

Miki • Jul 7, 2023

@steelover..

Not that "kinkster" is necessarily negative. "Inexperienced" perhaps not negative so much as not going to have much luck with the deeper BDSM roles they think they want.

I am experienced, over 20 years, and know what I want, or wanted since I have pulled back and gone abstinent since pre-pandemic, but going by what I want and do not want I would be classified as a "kinkster"-- With masochism and (controlled) exhibitionism thrown in, as defined in one online dictionary, --one into kinky erotic activities. I'm in this mostly to get off. Once I am "done" I go to my regular life, that of a strongly independant loner who actually enjoys her career/work.

I make no apologies or excuses. I know there are those in some circles in here, on other sites or IRL who look down on those who just want the sex. Mostly its men, and I say "Why should they have all the fun?"

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As for sites being "skewed" towards Men Seeking Women-- that's because that's the way it is online, offline and everywhere in between. The ratio of Men Seeking to Women Seeking-- is exceedingly lopsided.

Got to a bar or club. Men to women 10:1 or not far from it. And at closing time, the women who are still there, well, by then guys have had enough to drink to waltz out the door holding something on their arm they wouldn't want to scrape off their shoe the next morning.