Leading by example

Leading by example

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 18, 2018

So yea, sometimes you just got to "Show them how to handle your leash" with someone that doesn't even have a clue. In my case this person didn't even have a clue about BDSM or D/s.

Step 1: Making it about them. Example: You can yank my leash at any time and I'll be able to focus my full attention on you and not even misbehave for a bit even if I'm a brat in general. This would of course come after "Being there for them in general".
Step 2: Making it about us. Example: Putting a gag in my mouth might shut me up, which is both something BDSM like and take some pressure off you. Thus leading to both getting what we want. In this case I do have a habit of "talking about concerns" a lot. Seriously, gag me. It's for my own good.
Step 3: Making it about you. Example: I've worked really hard to make you happy and would like to practice how to handle me. This can be a tricky one but it's best to start small and work from the ground up. Randomly handing them to leash and seeing what they even do with it/you can be a good start. If you "just leave it up to the dom alone" they're going to be worried about looking after you. SHOW them how to do that so they can be less concerned and you get looked after.

Cons: The sub has to lead at first.
Pros: The dom ends up leading the sub.

Every time there is a "new way to be handled" I find it's always best to practice it. At first it will happen by "leading yourself". Simply make it know you want the other to take the initiative later on. Sooner or later it becomes more "instinctive". A habit or an impulse. With every "new thing" try to practice together. Even if someone sucks at ideas the simple act of providing ideas can give another ideas of their own.

A more simple thing could be being ordered to bed every night, which somehow ended up happening in my case. Wasn't even planned. It might seem like a small thing but being consistent with that and someone going "Bed. Now." gets one into the habit of giving orders in general. Just, you know, try to have a decent bed time for that. Other things can be added in, like wherever you should sleep naked or not or if you can "relieve" yourself. Something like that can be "off putting" at first, but in the end it came down to a case of "Making each other happy". Thus, no longer off putting at all and other things worked on.

My owner didn't even want to control every aspect of my life at first. Now she's... controlling every aspect of my life. Without me even leading her. Ha!

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Mar 19, 2018

If its not into her blood, as some point she will be either fed up or even worse disgusted by it. Dont expect make your own creature without a bite one day.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 22, 2018

Blood has nothing to do with it. It has to do with making each other happy. Things have been skyrocketing recently. It's a simple case of looking after each other. I will admit that she did indeed have the "fed up" phase but this has to be taking into account along with "they feel bad for struggling". If I do something for her it's as much for me. If she does something for me it's as much for her. I try not to ask for much but there are times one has to go "This need of mine has been left on the backburner for a while now". While we're quite "open" with others it still doesn't change the fact that we can do things for each other still.

Now it's been a struggle, I'll give it that. But that only means there's lots of progress that's been made when getting through those struggles. I've had my fair share of "biting" but it's getting through those times that brings us closer. If you can't handle that then don't go near the wolves. I'm not "making" her, I'm having to "show" her. Show her how "I" can be handled combined with the ways she wants to handle me herself. She's not going to automatically know it. And if it was you, you'd have to show another too. Whoever you're with might already have a fair idea, but if it's someone you love and they love you then it's on you if you choose to do nothing and let them feel bad for not being able to look after you in the ways you can be handled.

It also has to do with making sure they never "have" to do anything. Wanted to try something last night. They weren't up for it at all at first. But later on they were more then eager to get into things despite previously having reservations. The only way to ever get better at something is to practice, starting with those small steps. Most importantly the first one. You don't have to go diving in right off the bat but if nothing is ever done then no one knows what they feel during a situation. Beforehand it's all just talk and speculation. It's in the moment with that certain company that counts. When in that moment my owner admitted that they both felt like continuing and yet also not at the same time. It's the "a part of them wants to continue" bit that I wanted to demonstrate to them (I pointed this out afterwards and not before of course). Since they seemed uncomfortable I brought a halt to things. It would be later on in the same night that things did continue without me even mentioning it again. Nope, not a peep from me, just turning me around and pressing me up against the wall while they have a smile on their face. People only do "different things" when they have a reason too. It's not "changing" it's "adapting". Often people "automatically adapt" and end up just doing what they feel like. Sometimes people get a "bad habit" like drinking and want to "break the habit". This most people know already. What many lose sight of is "Getting into a habit". First you have to want to do it, even if you don't feel like it. If it's "a job" there's not much payback other then money there. But when it's "Another persons happiness" that kind of thing tends to circle back. Making me happy is a good way to get me to worry less about myself and make you happy.

This kind of thing also applies with much much more then just BDSM. If you don't "feel" like doing something you have to "set the stage". Pros and cons need to be weighed out. It's easy to think of only the negatives of a situation, even I get like that at times. But there are ways to deal with that. 1: Accept the situation for what it is. It can be a sucky situation but accept it instead of worrying. 2: What are the pros and cons (it could be doing something compared to doing nothing or heading out to a club or staying at home). What are the risks and rewards? 3: Once step 2 is done it can be easy to start overthinking on the negatives again. This is the most common stopping point for many. That's the situation where you "just do it". Provided it's important enough. Otherwise it's either always going to be left "for another day". I think we're all guilty of that at one point or another.

Once the ball is rolling and there's no big distractions around things tend to fall into place, later if not sooner. In this case it was seeing to my needs. More then that it was to get the sex life going again. Which worked amazingly. That's also why I go out of may way to make sure my owner has "lazy days" or otherwise take a break from looking after me so I can look after her for a while. A dom simply does not "just look after the sub". The sub also has to look after the dom in return. Without command as much as with. At least at first. How else will trust and loyalty be gained otherwise?

The long and short of it is that you don't have to "feel" like doing something to "feel it when it's happening". Sometimes it takes a few practice runs before you "feel like it". Regardless of the topic in question. Other times, such as last night, it can happen right away. But things haven't always been that smooth. In the early days it took more then a few "false starts", which is no longer the case. Either way, practice makes perfect. Not practising to a class or "with people in general", but practising with someone that you look after to the best of your ability and vice versa. The reason my owner looks after me in all things is because I've been doing that with her since the start. The more you give the more you get.

It also helps that practising orders and commands and the like builds up her confidence when she previously doubted herself in general, me not withstanding. She used to feel bad about "doing nothing" and such. Knowing those "unlikely events" are done and enjoyed with me gets them to know that any situation can be turned around for the better.

Making the best of things despite things to work on and being in each others arms. That doesn't sound like "fed up" or disgusted to me. Anything but. Frankly I'm insulted about the accusations.