Ask a Domme anything (respectfully)

Ask a Domme anything (respectfully)

event horizon{NotLooking} • Dec 22, 2023

Originally I posted this idea as a blog, but I think the forum may be a better place for it.

I've seen and heard a lot of misinformation going around, and seen many people struggling to find reliable sources for kink education. Many folks can seem like they know what they're talking about, but they don't always, and it can be difficult to tell who is legit. I've been in the BDSM world for 10 years (almost 11), and I've learned a lot of things from a lot of good sources. I've learned from some femdom groups online and in person (and hosted events myself in both), from friends who are pro Dominants and SWs, from rl munches and play parties, as well as from my own experiences scening with people. There's lots of folks who know more than I do, but I've got enough knowledge that I can pass some on to those who are interested.

The kink topic I've learned the most about is humiliation, but I know some things about a lot of other topics as well. And even if I can't answer with specifics on a topic, I may be able to answer from a general BDSM framework perspective. So if you're new and have questions, or if you're just trying to expand your knowledge from where you're at now, and you think my experience seems reasonable -- ask away! I'm sure other knowledgeable folks will contribute too.

Be respectful though, of course. This is not for the purposes of exciting anyone. Just for learning.

What would you like to know?

event horizon{NotLooking} • Dec 22, 2023

...It changed the emoji in the title to a question mark and won't let me fix it, lol. So weird.

House Talion​(dom male) • Dec 22, 2023

Why is it that most Dommes seen posting on sites require tributes for basic communication and come off as extremely harsh?

event horizon{NotLooking} • Dec 22, 2023

So I can't speak for all of the people who do it, but I can tell you some of the things I've learned about that.

The first thing is, some Dommes do findom (financial domination) stuff. It is not welcome in most online communities because of the potential for abuse, but there *are* ethical ways to conduct findom in general. It should ideally be done away from spaces where it is not allowed, and with the enthusiastic consent of the sub/slave/pay pig/sugar daddy/etc involved. Some people really do enjoy it, but it absolutely must be done with fully informed consent. If it's a Domme with an s type, you set a budget of how much and how frequent, what kind of things the money can be spent on, etc. Where it goes wrong is when the Dommes doing it are pushing it on the s types right away, and without informed consent. Like in intro messages/first replies, without preface.

However, even doing it as an introduction *can* be okay if it's more of a SW thing, depending on how one might feel about that. Findom and/or tributes in general are commonly used by people in SW. But again, this requires informed consent of the person paying money/buying stuff. It's scammy af to do it without making sure the person paying/buying stuff is well aware of what they're engaging in.

I know a lot of s types experience the scammier side of this from Dommes in online kink communities though, and it makes me sad, 'cause I feel it detracts from the more legitimate side of things. The lesson here for the s types though is to be aware of the red flags. If the Domme is pushing it right away and without informed consent, that's not the ethical kind.

SoundsGreat​(other male) • Dec 25, 2023

Just to be blunt. I am looking for someone with the expertise of a Dominatrix to help me with sounding. When i say help me I made a decision I want to sound, stretch and dilate to at least big enough to get a pinky finger in. I know this would take a multiple sessions but wanted to make sure this was still in the realm of a dominatrix. Sorry if it's a stupid question there is a lot more to this I just kept it short and sweet.

event horizon{NotLooking} • Dec 25, 2023

No worries, it's not a stupid question.

The first thing I'll say is that the word Dominatrix refers to pro Dommes, folks who do it as a paid service. Without pay involved, you would just call her a Domme or Dominant.

Unfortunately I myself don't know much about sounding. I know a little about the idea of dilation in general though, and I know you're supposed to start small and work your way up to things with a larger diameter. It may be somewhat of a (very, very careful lol) trial and error thing to see what would work best, but there are actual sounding rods you can get. In googling them just now though, one of the first things that comes up is a risk of infection and/or sexual function issues. So, definitely something to do very very carefully and slowly. That's about all I could tell you about it though. Someone else around here might know more.

SoundsGreat​(other male) • Dec 25, 2023

Thank you for your kind response. Me and one of my ex girlfriends used to do it quite a bit to each other quite often but it snaps back lol. I appreciate your time. Just wanting to make sure I wasn't crossing a line or going to upset someone by asking them to do it. If anyone comes to mind I'm from central KY. Thanks again.

Inkling • Dec 25, 2023

What is the domme community like?

SoundsGreat​(other male) • Dec 25, 2023

pretty much non existent

event horizon{NotLooking} • Dec 25, 2023

Hmm well.. Scattered, I guess? There aren't that many of us. I haven't been a part of an actual femdom-specific group in a while. Hard to find in general, especially irl, and online communities can be a bit dicey. Sometimes you get lucky and you can have a good group of people for a while, but sometimes things shift. It has been my experience that a looooot of online kink communities are full of online-only folks who are just wingin it, vs adhering to the actual rules of BDSM.

So.. There are femdom communities on the interwebs, but I don't presently know of any that I want to be in. If someone else knows of some good ones though, let me know lol.