Looking for advice

Looking for advice

ThirtyFourPointFive • Jan 19, 2024

I made a decision to move 400 miles back to my family whom I've been separated from for 17 years.
I have been in a relationship with a submissive for a year and a half and we've gotton along very well.
I miss being with her and she feels the same.
When we sit down to talk though, the conversations seems very forced, and quickly degrades a complere standstill. We both notice this happening. Besides the D/s part of our life together, we just have little in common
Is this relationship savable, Or will I wake up 10 years later regretting that I stayed?
Opinions appreciated!
Gary

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Jan 19, 2024

The issue at heart is what do you have in common. If as you say you have very little in common, it will be hard work to say the least.

What do you mean by the D/s part of your life? D/s provides structure in the relationship across all things. Or do you mean (as apparently a good number seem to) that you have kinky sex? If when you say "the D/s part of our life together" you are only referring to the fun and sex and such, then you are missing most of what the D/s is. If you are referring to the structure and establishment of the dynamic and power exchange, then that's a start.

So maybe sit down and have the hard conversation. Figure out what you might have in common besides the D/s. And figure out what you don't have in common. As in any relationship, you don't have to always enjoy everything together, but you have to have enough in common that you fit comfortably. Otherwise you're just two people having kinky sex and sooner or later you will not be satisfied with the overall relationship.

Maybe you can find some things to do in common. Best of luck.

ThirtyFourPointFive • Jan 19, 2024

I only mean that our sexual relationship is great. We both are happy with that part of our time together.
Get us in a quiet room, or sitting over dinner and the conversation dwindles and becomes somewhat awkward.
I find that back and forth to be very important and a big part of maintaining a relationship.
Thank you for writing.. Gary

Varangian​(dom male) • Jan 19, 2024

If it was my family I would move 400 miles further away.

How can you predict what’s going to happen 10 years down the road, you can’t, the world may come to an end Sunday we don’t know. That’s like asking 10 years from now if you regret walking away.

As far as your relationship only the two of you can answer if it’s worth saving. Relationships are not easy, if they were everybody would be in one.

I know I’m being so helpful, my crystal ball is in the shop this week.

Best of luck

ThirtyFourPointFive • Jan 19, 2024

When you get that crystal ball up and running again, let me know. I have a few questions.

Varangian​(dom male) • Jan 19, 2024

Will do, I think in this economy they are using cheap Romanian surplus Magic 8 Ball parts to repair it, so any answer might be sketchy.

Re: Looking for advice

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jan 19, 2024

As i see it, You do have a "relationship" that works, You just do not have a traditional relationship.

i think we are all conditioned to some degree by the cultures we grow up in and live in. Our conditioning often leaves us with expectations that are both conscious and unconsious. In this case, notions and expectations on what constitutes a "relationship." To me, part of living and growing involves learning who and how we are as individuals, and in the process of living we end up discovering that (our) reality dose not always match the ideas and expectations we have been conditioned with.

i think a lot of problems arise when we try to force something to be what it isn't based on unrealistic cultural notions of what 'should be' when what is doesn't meet those expectations. Instead of trying to force the relationship into parameters of what "what should be," let it be what it is, no more, no less.

i don't think any one person can meet all of our needs/desires. E.g., You just moved 400 miles to be near Your family. Or, more specifically, You moved so You can have Your family in Your life: "relationship." We have all sorts of relationships in our lives, and when we look at it, i think we choose the relationships we do to meet needs and desires. Traditional ideas often have us thinking and feeling that some of those needs/desires should only be met by one person, but how often does that aline with reality?
It seems more natural to learn to meet our needs/desires in relationships, vs a relationship, with compatible people where we have matching needs and desires.

ThirtyFourPointFive • Jan 19, 2024

Great words. Thank you.

LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} • Jan 19, 2024

In my opinion, sex will only take you so far. Because let's be real, we are humans and life is going to happen. If we are building the foundation of a relationship on something such a sex and yet our heart needs or desires more emotional connection. The foundation of that relationship will eventually come crumbling down. Because the foundation is not strong or stable enough to withstand life and the humanity aspects that come along with it.

I hear you expressing that you need and deeply value a connection where you are able to have conversations of depth. I hear you expressing that is a way that you emotionally connect with another. I hear you saying this is important to you.

What I have not heard you express is that you've been transparent, open and honest with your partner, informing her of this need of yours. Without this information she is not being given an opportunity to meet you where and how you need to be met.

Are you willing to lean into the discomfort of having the hard conversation with her? Which in my opinion will show her that you are not afraid to face discomfort and stand for what it is that you need?

And if she is not capable, or willing to meet this deeply valued need of yours, only you can make the choice on whether or not what you have now relationship wise will work for you. Nobody else can make that choice for you.

I would invite you to consider, how all of the answers lie within. The fact that you are questioning if this is going to work is your heart and soul giving you the answer, can you hear it?

Best of wishes to you!

Miki • Jan 19, 2024

Whether sex is the be-all and end-all of a relationship is beside the point.

You are moving 400 miles away, dude.

Teleromance or telekink or whatever you want to call it--- LDR works for only so long. Both of you will, sooner or later, want someone physically with you, whether or not sex is involved--- and both of you will want to move on.

Also, these days, in here and in other places, sex, closeness, togetherness-- but especially the importance of sex is being under-rated. Looks virtuous on paper but unless you're a a eunoch-- don't fool yourself. Your hand might be your best friend for a bit but it is no substitute for companionship, in all senses of the word.

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A clean break is better than dragging out the inevitable. It would be somewhat analogous to a 2000-strong bucket brigade throwing water off the side of the Titanic. Theoretically you might make the ship stay above water a little while longer but the damned boat is still bottom-bound and it's better to throw the bucket overboard and get on the fucking lifeboats while they still have them.---- Or if you prefer, it's akin to a surgeon operating on you with a butter knife instead of a scalpel. Messy shit.

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Cynical?? Sure; are there examples of couples making a successful go at an LDR are certainly out there, and yes your odds at joining that select group are better than your shot at the powerball, but....

Just my thoughts

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NOTE: You wrote that you have little in common. 10 years from now will not matter one fart in a hurricane---- Clean break, Gary.