Sub looking for advice

Sub looking for advice

SweetStarling • Jan 22, 2024

I am a female sub mainly, I am very new and have only ever had 1 dom/ partner for the past 6 years that I have experimented with. He has had a lot of bdsm experience. Our relationship was not always kink, and we have been very unhappy. We decided to go back into the lifestyle stuff again a few months ago but I've been making a lot of mistakes and he broke up with me. Our lives are very inner twined we live together and I'm finding it very hard to function without him.
He just wants space, which is very hard we see each other daily. I find it hard to function without him. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. If there is any advice on how to set it aside or turn it off, so I can focus on work or other aspects of life.

Rivermxl • Jan 22, 2024

Hello, I'll say one thing up front: This scenario is tricky.

Any monogamous romantic relationship needs two parts to function, specially so when we're talking about BDSM dynamics, or a mix of both. From what you're saying, there's no mention of any room for opportunity within your partner's side of things and this could be dangerous for your mental health, idealizing someone, I mean. This is just for you to keep in mind, I don't mean to criticize. There's always a chance that he's actually a great great guy.

Even if you're a new submissive, I trust you have been a human being a lot longer, and humans, just like submissives (who of course also fall in the category of human), have needs. We do our best to find partners who can satisfy those needs and hope we can help satisfy theirs back. Compatibility is key, and if you're a high maintenance submissive/person, your Dom should be accordingly prepared for that, given that he consented to having you as his partner/sub.

After two paragraphs of advice you didn't ask for (which I hope you don't mind), I would like to now answer what seems to be your main inquiry. We can't possibly just push our nature aside if that's who we are. D and s types come in all shapes, sizes and preferences, some are bedroom only folks and some are 24/7 practitioners and both are perfectly comfortable with that. You should identify if you actually are able to just push it off and shove it aside, or not. If it turns out you can't, you need to express yourself, ideally to your dominant, but really to anybody you can trust with it and see what can be worked out and what can not.

A lot more information is needed to give what could be considered as sound advice but I tried to remain open to the possibilities. The best recommendation I can make is you find someone you can safely talk to about it all. We all deserve to have our needs met, not forcibly suppressed.

Best of luck,

- River

flitter'fly​(sub female) • Jan 23, 2024

Okay, so from what I gather, if I read this right, you have been in a very long-term relationship that has been experiencing problems for a long while now.

Your partner suggested that you two try joining in this lifestyle.
He being familiar in the lifestyle.
And you yourself, are new to the lifestyle.

Yet things are not working out.
He's already exhausted himself with trying to make things work.

So then the two of you, break up.
Both still in the home, he needs space and you are still very much attached.

Now with that being said.
Your question.
How to set this aside, or turn your feelings off?

With that being said.
Is harder when still living together.
I suggest you find yourself things that make you happy.
Music, walking, going out, exercise, meditation Etc.
Anything that makes you find yourself again, instead of living the day to day for him.
Live each day for you, learn how to love you again.

Also if you are interested in the lifestyle
Read, read everything.
Ask questions, learn, grow.
Go on fet, look for local munches in your area.
Meet individuals who are like minded and in real life.
Again, ask questions, learn, and grow.
There are those who will give sound advice, help teach and help you find your way.

Support from others helps.
I myself, found the support I needed to leave a very unhealthy relationship.
I also found my own journey in this lifestyle.
I am always learning, growing.
And I do that daily.

Just make certain that you watch for red flags.
Vett people, take time to get to know people.
Read blogs, read profiles, be transparent about who you are, and what you hope to find or achieve.

Chat with others, talk to your fellow sister subs, and talk with Doms that are forthcoming and transparent.

Be smart and use good judgment.
We want you to thrive here and in your everyday life.
But we need you safe to do that.

Work on finding that peace of you that shines.
Welcome to the cage.
Hugs FlitterFly...

P.S.
Be fothcoming and open in your profile.
This help others to see who you are, if there may be a match, or common interest.
Have fun, a d be safe.

CageOwner​(dom male) • Jan 23, 2024

My advice: Talk to each other. I mean really really really talk.

Drinfear​(dom male){Owns PFP} • Jan 23, 2024

Good evening, little bit.. Everyone in My life calls Me Dom, even My siblings.. (*SIGH* YES, really) I have been practicing the lifestyle since Jan 24th, 1994.. Your situation IS unique, I've never had a girl that stayed in My House after asking for/getting released, but it CAN still be worked through.. FIRST, the relationship ended for a reason.. Don't go backwards.. All that usually attracts is more of the same issues that ended it to begin with. YES, it is hard, especially considering the fact that you see him daily.. But it IS for the best.. I still maintain contact with MANY of the girls that have shared My life in the past, but we're only friends (even though ONE, angel IS being watched out for by Me even 17 years after asking to be released.. )
I will be glad to offer more advice, as My pic shows, I DO have a little that I have been happily married to for the past 6 years.. (Natalie is My WORLD..) But she trusts Me and I won't do anything to jeopardize her Trust, Respect or time proven loyalty..

Drinfear​(dom male){Owns PFP} • Jan 23, 2024

APPARENTLY, I've been told, that although I sounded intelligent, I failed to answer the original question directly, so failed epically.. (damn it, flitter *LAUGH*)
As far as 'turning it off' goes.. Even *I* have no tried and true go to in order to get past a heart ache/break.. You're hurting, this much is obvious even to others.. The only tried and true remedy I know of is time, mourning and moving past trying to recover what was.. Focus on YOU.. Look deep into your heart at all that transpired and learn the lessons from it that Life is trying to teach you from the experience, little bit.. Until you DO learn that/those lesson(s), MY Personal experience has taught Me, that Life will slap you in the face with it over and over until you DO learn it..
All I can offer is My Personal perspective, and I WAS there many years ago.. But just because *I* felt a specific way doesn't mean that's how HE sees the situation..

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 25, 2024

You need someone else to focus on that's not your Dom till you're able to get over your roommate

GingerSpiced​(sub female){MJimT} • Jan 25, 2024

I would agree. Communication is needed. It's a very large part of any relationship/dynamic.
I'm so sorry for your hurt I've felt that before. It's hard when you are attached by the heart as well
I suggest a long heart to heart with yourself and a trusted friend. Gather your thoughts before hand. If you both decide to try and work on it again go slow from both aspects not just the dynamic.
If you can't work it out work on finding a way to move . Breaking a connection is hard when you are together day to day in the same living space.
If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here and don't mind listening.

SweetStarling • Jan 25, 2024

Thank you everyone for the response. I greatly appreciate it.

AlphaByDesign​(dom male) • Jan 25, 2024

You might want to get some clear and defined understanding of where this is going or not going. And then begin the process of transitioning your circumstances so you’re not with him if it’s clear there isn’t a future with him. This will be difficult as long as you’re living together.
Making some separation will help you reorient yourself in a new direction. I hope this helps.