Concern

So, I was speaking with an individual out of state and things were going well, then out of the blue he tells me that he is not feeling the spark/vibe. This is fine. The issue is that he cut off all ties. He has a 24/7 dynamic with his nesting partner in a V with her husband. I told him that I was concerned that that nesting partner was all consuming and bringing in another relationship might be hard. He assured me that he could handle it and then turned right around and cut me out after a flimsy excuse. I do not agree in cutting ties with someone who is a positive influence and who could be a friend. I find it pretty cowardly that he didn't have the balls to at least be my friend/acquaintance after the connection on a romantic level was very short lived. Am I wrong and in saying that he handled it horribly and it made me feel very de-valued and used?

I had a dom that was dating two other girls. He said he'd love to have a sub that he could do the more sadistic things with, but when we would play he would want to not speak for a couple of days. Said that it would kill the feelings he had if we had a 24/7 conversation. I was fine with not talking 24/7, but when doing cnc I was not okay with being rough fucked hard then ignored. He knew that.
He did it three seperate times before he told me that he wasn't looking for more. I ended up telling him that he couldn't handle 3 partners and should stop trying if that was the case.

You are valid in how you feel

Thank you, I appreciate it. Vocalizing it and getting feedback definitely helps.  

Maybe yes maybe no. The guy said you don't float his boat, so you don't float his boat. His other relationships are their business.

However instead of doing the Casper thing he should have, at least addressed whether or not you could continue as a friend. If yes (which obviously wasn't going to be the case) this thread wouldn't be here, but if "no"-- that should be that. Game Over; no further contact would be made or should be expected.

This happens to people a lot --- Tab A not fitting into Slot B--- and what is lacking is the willingness.. the nerve... to tell a person, "No, I don't dig you and I really don't want to be friends."

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While I will write back and forth to anyone here, I am straightforward in stating:

"No, I am not looking, I will not send pics or ever meet you in person."

If they want to continue to be friends, well, that's jim-dandy. If not, "Best of luck, happy to have met you even if only briefly."

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In my experience, the guys who eventually add 2 and 2 and realize I'm not going to budge will write back and forth for a bit then wander away, which is totally fine by me. No harm, no foul, and no skin off my ass.


Indeed, the worst thing one can do when ghosted, however cowardly, is dwell on it. Sally Forth! Next number please."

Additionally, , "out of state" depending on how far apart said states are--- unless one is willing to relocate--- in the long run won't last as anything more than as "pen pals".

I’m always torn with this one. A big part of me wants to stay friends with those I’ve cared for deeply at some point, however, another part wants to close doors and not carry along a string of “could-have-beens.” In all honesty I find it difficult to maintain contact with my current circle of friends as it is, let alone when I try to add more to the mix. I’m just not a social butterfly who has the capacity to maintain a lot of connections.
Perhaps he’s the same? Of course, I can’t speak for him, or his intentions, so I don’t know. Just wanted to share a perspective that helps to show sometimes it’s not about value or worth… sometimes it’s about the capacity we’re capable of at any given time.

As for how he handled it? I am yet to know how to create seamless endings… from my own experiences, I’ve not found a way to “reject” someone or experience being “rejected” without there being hurt feelings involved. We can really only make our choices on how to respond to given situations, from the knowledge we have. Can there ever be a “right” way? I don’t know.

What that usually means is the wife found out what was going on and he ran

I appreciate your feedback. Yeah. I just don't like the idea that he had to block me over nothing. You'd think in poly things would be more fluid and the pivot to friendship would be easy-fine.  

quote="Bunnie"]I’m always torn with this one. A big part of me wants to stay friends with those I’ve cared for deeply at some point, however, another part wants to close doors and not carry along a string of “could-have-beens.” In all honesty I find it difficult to maintain contact with my current circle of friends as it is, let alone when I try to add more to the mix. I’m just not a social butterfly who has the capacity to maintain a lot of connections.
Perhaps he’s the same? Of course, I can’t speak for him, or his intentions, so I don’t know. Just wanted to share a perspective that helps to show sometimes it’s not about value or worth… sometimes it’s about the capacity we’re capable of at any given time.

As for how he handled it? I am yet to know how to create seamless endings… from my own experiences, I’ve not found a way to “reject” someone or experience being “rejected” without there being hurt feelings involved. We can really only make our choices on how to respond to given situations, from the knowledge we have. Can there ever be a “right” way? I don’t know.[/quote]

I met him in a poly group. He is a secondary in a V situation and lives with his 24/7 and her husband. I don't see why cutting me out all the way and not being friends has to be. That's so dramatic.

But its ultimately his choice to.do that. Maybe he found it to difficult to stay friends? He must have his reasons and you may never know them.

First of all, I do sympathize with you. Getting rejected really sucks. It's virtually impossible not to feel slighted somehow. It is not my intent to further hurt your feelings, but based on what you wrote, I would say that you are the one handling the situation poorly. And that says a lot, because when hearing one side of a story where someone is complaining, it is usually much easier to side with the person that is telling you their side of the story. Here are some important things to consider, not necessarily in order of importance, but hopefully will be helpful to you when you're ready to hear them.

1. As adults, we are not entitled to others' feelings and time. No one should force you to be their friend or lover and you shouldn't try to force that on anyone either. Your time and attention in a relationship needs to be freely given. In my opinion, a relationship is not worth it if someone wants to leave it and the other person is continuously compelling them to stay.

2. I think I saw the term ghosted somewhere and that he blocked you for "nothing", I think neither of these are the case. Ghosting means to disappear without an explanation. And a reason was given that is not "nothing". People get blocked on here for nothing all the time, and I've even spoken out against that in some cases. That is not what happened here though.

3. Not feeling a spark/vibe IS a good reason not to pursue a romantic relationship or friendship. Also, given your position, there is virtually no excuse he could have given that would be "valid" to you.

4. As @SnowMinx said, it was his choice to make and there is really no point in speculating what the real reason(s) were. You're only doing a disservice to yourself here.

5. You spoke about feeling undervalued, and I get it...but consider that by clinging to these thoughts you're having is under-valuing yourself. When something is valuable, and someone refuses it, the attitude tends to be "ok, buddy, your loss! Someone else will come along and maybe even pay more for this than you were considering in the first place!" Being hung up on their refusal communicates the opposite of value. Now, I do believe you have value, but you're not acting consistent with that is the point.

6. Time is one of the most precious things that we have. And everyone has finite time and resources. One cannot expect someone to just collect relationships non-stop. Having a friendship could mean not having time for another kind of friendship or romantic connection that is actually desired. There is nothing wrong with a person's decision to not want a certain kind of relationship in their life.

7. It should also be said, that the nature of your connection did not obligate him in any way to stick around. If you had kids together or something like that, and he bailed, that's a whole other discussion.

8. I understand that you do not agree with cutting ties with someone who is a positive influence to you, and I would agree! I wouldn't want to do that either! BUT...a relationship is not JUST about you...one side of a relationship feeling they have enough positive benefit to make the relationship worth keeping is not enough. This needs to happen on all sides.