Clingy Subs

Clingy Subs

lambsone • Jun 7, 2024

Dominants, how do you handle clingy subs at any stage in your relationship?
Distance yourself?
Lecture?
Assign more tasks?
Punish?
Find out what the core problem is?
Do you have any advice for Dominants who find themselves in this position?

Sweet Escape​(sub female) • Jun 7, 2024

Why are you assuming "clinginess" is a negative thing? Many Doms like and enjoy their subs full attention.
If a Dom feels his sub is too "clingy" then perhaps they aren't a good match. Or maybe the sub needs to be reassured more. Or a million other things....but your mindset is really negative and it shouldn't be.

TwinkleEyes • Jun 7, 2024

I’m confused by this question. To me it feels assumptive and judgy.

The majority of s-types that I know get needier as they become more vulnerable. I’ve even seen this from D-types. Many of them are extremely clingy and needy. And when the right dynamic is found the neediness goes two ways and it’s like a synergistic obsession. Personally, I feel that being vulnerable is being needy. This isn’t a trait specific to submissive. More like normal human behavior.

One of the D-types I recently spoke with wanted to be on the phone for 3-5 hours a day plus texting. It was a need I couldn’t fill.

I’m answering the question because I’m a kinkster. Mostly a submissive. Though on occasion I have had submissive myself.

Solace​(dom male) • Jun 7, 2024

I don't see anything wrong with the question. Its a thing. While it can be welcome, I often hear it in a negative light both here and in what we call the vanilla world.

Regretfully I don't have good answers for you. I've had clingy and needy ladies before, and it's very challenging to get more space if its wanted. As far as bandaids go I've found that tasks where the girl feels as though she's doing it especially for me has been effective. It keeps her preoccupied and focused on something which in turn doesn't require my consistent attention. They seem content. Until the tasks end. Bandaid.

A more effective cure is to figure out why the lass is clingy. If she's self conscious, insecure, or doesn't like to be alone with her thoughts...these things have a chance of being worked through. If she's just naturally clingy because that's how she socializes...tough. You've got to have a chat about personality types and needing your own space. Probably get her a puppy or arrange for friend groups to fill the socialization gap you can't fill for her.

Defender​(dom male) • Jun 7, 2024

Generally, I like clinginess.

But from recent experience I realise that "clingy" covers a whole range of behaviour - and can end up as obsessive behaviour, beyond rationality.

At a certain level, it can also mean that the clingy person has no conception that that the Dom has a life too!
He will sometimes need to to do other things, or have a moment or two to himself.
If this happens, some clingers will get angry and say the Dom is horrible and "neglecting" her - even if the Dom's reply, or return phonecall, is only a few hours "late".

So, like many things, clingy is not a scientific definition that can be neatly tied down - and since advice that works for one individual may not work for another - those in the relationship will simply have to work it out for themselves.


(For me though, I prefer clingy to cool and distant!)

D.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){Owned} • Jun 7, 2024

Daddy wants me to be clingy. He says “Isn’t you being obsessed with me kind of the point?”

In my experience, the ones who say they don’t want you to be clingy are simply incapable of maintaining their personal boundaries. If my Daddy wants space, he takes space. If he doesn’t feel like texting all day, he tells me so.

I don’t view a D who says “I want you to need and depend on me” but forgets to add “only when it’s convenient” in a positive light.

The mindset that this question brings to my mind is that D/s is all one sided when it comes to sacrifice and responsibility. It’s not only the submissive who makes sacrifices, the D does too. It’s not only the D who takes on responsibility, the submissive does too. The real question is “How do we fit together?”

I advise that you spend your time and effort on finding someone who matches you on a core level. If you’re naturally needy, find a D who enjoys that part of you. Stop trying to fit yourself into jeans that are two sizes too small and find your perfect fit.

lambsone • Jun 7, 2024

Sweet Escape and Twinkle Eyes, do you realize that you also have made some assumptions about my being judgy and negative with this question? You haven't asked ME what my thoughts were and the reason I posted it, you just decided that you could read my mind.

Here's the real reason I posted it: I am deathly afraid of a Dom coming to think that I am clingy and wanting to take up more of his time than he's capable of giving. Perhaps even kicking me to the curb.

Where's the balance? And yes a submissive must think of where the balance is, they can't simply dump everything on the Dominants shoulders and then sit back and relax from the stress of decision making for the rest of their lives. That would be irresponsible as a partner.

Some amount of dependency is expected of both roles, but when it goes beyond what either person is capable of handling, what can be done to correct it and get the relationship back on a healthy track?

Let's be honest, can we really ask another human being to be our ALL even if they want to? Our Dominants need time to themselves to think, decide what they want out of the relationship, evaluate life, plan ahead, work to keep food on the table/clothes on their backs/a roof over their heads. And a lot more. They even need time to chill and just focus on themselves for a bit. If a sub is so clingy that they cannot allow them the space they need to keep their perspective, what can the Dominant do to help them stay in balance and thus keep the relationship in balance?

I'm not casting blame in any person's direction, it was a simple question, and I'm looking for practical answers. I tried to keep it simple so as not to twist a Dominants mind into knots trying to answer it. And I wanted to give them the freedom to think of whatever scenario fit them. I figured there would be a broader range of answers that way.

We all neglect to ask for clarification before deciding that a person is positive or negative about a subject. This is where things start going awry around here. It might be nice if we found out first if what we're thinking about another is what that person is intending. There's no one here that's that perfect that we don't need to ask for clarification.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){Owned} • Jun 7, 2024

I often say that the questions a person asks reveals more than any answer you will ever receive.

“Distance yourself?
Lecture?
Assign more tasks?
Punish?“

These are all abusive responses to a problem that shouldn’t have become a problem in the first place.

So, Lambsone your questions in themselves are suggestions to respond with abuse.

Problems arise and the only viable solution to problems between healthy adults is healthy communication.

lambsone • Jun 7, 2024

You forgot "Find out what the core problem is" Sweetlydepraved. Smiles at you.

To the general community: I find it interesting that the Dominants who have answered the question have been uninsulted by it and more positive in their answers, than the subs who seem to be insulted by the question and believe me to be negative, judgemental, suggesting abusive answers (which were just suggestions of how I've heard Dominants handle situations), etc. Has anyone else noticed that or am I daft?

I don't mind if submissives answer the question, even if I directed it to the Dominants, but rather than reading all kinds of sh** into it and being amateur psychologists, it would be nice if you simply gave answers that would provide solutions to handling clingyness. How can a Dominant keep the relationship on track when this starts to affect the relationship in a bad way? We want healthy relationships and this is one of the things that can derail it. So what can be done?

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){Owned} • Jun 7, 2024

So you made 1 decent suggestion mixed in with 4 or 5 other awful ones and you’re claiming that makes everything you said previously valid. Interesting.

I don’t have a problem with you as a person but I do have a problem with the way you frame your argument.

If one truly valued the perspective of the submissive then one would engage with empathy, respect, and compassion. A big part of maturity is learning to accept critical feedback, and take from it the intrinsic value. You are habitually mean and dismissive of submissive feedback.